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Leaving a Church - 11/12/2007 2:52:36 PM
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NanaSharon
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Joined: 11/12/2007
From: Heart of Dixie
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I'm a person who has worked in many companies, large and small. I've also worshiped and served in many churches, large and small.
In the large companies, one of the things that happens when you leave is something called "an exit interview." In this interview you are asked many questions about the company, both good and bad, i.e., how you were treated, how other employees treated you, etc. Then, you are asked, "Why are you leaving." Awesome if you ask me.
Yet, in our churches when we leave we are ignored, even preached about as though we are evil for leaving. Why can't we receive an "Exit Interview"? 
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/12/2007 3:23:13 PM
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yustme
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Because most Preachers don't want the truth.I'm a Preachers kid.In years gone by,Preachers used to either call someone who left,or go see them to find out if something was wrong.I know because my dad did.Today,no one seems to care.When they see someone has left,the comment is "that's too bad".So many Christians and Preachers seem to have an I don't care additude.God help us.Very few Christians today are Christ like.
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/12/2007 3:40:45 PM
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earthless
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Do know that not all churches are like that.
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/13/2007 9:28:27 AM
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Hobbs
Posts: 40
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quote:
ORIGINAL: yustme
Because most Preachers don't want the truth.I'm a Preachers kid.In years gone by,Preachers used to either call someone who left,or go see them to find out if something was wrong.I know because my dad did.Today,no one seems to care.When they see someone has left,the comment is "that's too bad".So many Christians and Preachers seem to have an I don't care additude.God help us.Very few Christians today are Christ like.
NanaSharon,
First I wanted to say that I like your name. My 2 year old calls my mom Nana all the time.
I am a pastor and have been for a while. The reply that yustme gave has a lot of truth to it and that breaks my heart. In the past decade the Church has radically changed. Our Church is about 200 so sometimes new people come and go before we get a chance to know them. While I am not perfect I always try to find out a reason why a regular attender has left. I want to know because as the Pastor it is my duty to look out for the entire Church. If someone has been mean to them then I must confront the issue which is always messy.
The truth of the matter is that from a Pastor's perspective I see a consumer mentality with people attending Church these days. I see people wanting exactly what they want and if this Church does not fulfill their needs they will find one that does. We have a few couples in our Church who were looking for our style of worship. One thing that every Church in America needs to come to grips with is that we are a collective BODY bound together by the blood of Christ. We are to be a TEAM!!! Every Church needs many people contacting those who decide to quit any body for whatever reason. Every body in our Church is important to me, but I know that not everyone feels that way. My last ministry which almost devastated me and my wife had everyone who wanted to be ministered too, but no one wanted to reach out to each other.
There are some of us Pastor's who love all of you very much and it breaks our hearts when you leave the Church and have been there a while. One thing that will help every Church is to have a group of dedicated, loving, and motivated people who seek out those who fall away from any body and who want to partner with their Pastor to seek out those who have left. Thanks for your heart and love for the Church. You are appreciated!!!
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/13/2007 11:34:56 AM
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rcjames
Posts: 5771
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From: Oklahoma
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quote:
ORIGINAL: NanaSharon
I'm a person who has worked in many companies, large and small. I've also worshiped and served in many churches, large and small.
In the large companies, one of the things that happens when you leave is something called "an exit interview." In this interview you are asked many questions about the company, both good and bad, i.e., how you were treated, how other employees treated you, etc. Then, you are asked, "Why are you leaving." Awesome if you ask me.
Yet, in our churches when we leave we are ignored, even preached about as though we are evil for leaving. Why can't we receive an "Exit Interview"?
Me thinks you paint with too wide a brush, mabe you mean some Churches instead of all Churches.
When someone leaves our congregation (and does not move from the area) I want and ask for a meeting. We discuss the reason for their leaving and what kind of Chruch they are looking for. I will reccomend Churches that meet their criteria and offer to go with them to meet the leadership of those Churches. I do not use the 'Sitdown" to make excuses or to try to talk them out of their desired goal of changing Church homes.
Though I have been blessed to have scant few that have considered changing; nost of them don't after the meeting.
When a Christian changes Churches they do not loose their Christianity and should be treated as a Brother/Sister in Christ.
Now some Pastors/Elders do not do this out of fear of being railed at by the departing folks; that has never happened to me, so I feel the fear is not justified.
Thanks
RC
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Read the first chapter of my latest book here;
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/13/2007 11:58:47 AM
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Covaan_Meshuga
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I was simply told I was not a part of the church anymore -- end of conversation.
My son and daughter-in-law, who left the same day, had no exit interview, but the word did get back to us that certain ones discussed that they were glad that they didn't have to listen to him sing anymore.
When my husband left, no exit interview, but they did try to get him to come back. He won't. They blame me for his leaving, even though I begged him, from the time they kicked me out, not to retaliate, not to ever leave for me, and told him that if he wanted to stay I would never stand in his way in any way -- and I never did stand in his way, ever.
My daughter and son-in-law, however, had their exit interview in the same church, different pastor. That pastor screamed in rage at them in a long diatribe I am sure others in the church heard, because the walls of his office weren't very thick. I always wondered if he thought that would make them want to stay.
< Message edited by Covaan_Meshuga -- 11/13/2007 12:06:24 PM >
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Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/13/2007 2:38:14 PM
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lw9
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quote:
Covaan_Meshuga: My daughter and son-in-law, however, had their exit interview in the same church, different pastor. That pastor screamed in rage at them in a long diatribe I am sure others in the church heard, because the walls of his office weren't very thick. I always wondered if he thought that would make them want to stay.
And I hope the screaming reinforced to your daughter and son-in-law just how correct their decision to leave was!! I'm just always shocked when I hear stuff like this, but I guess I shouldn't be.
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/14/2007 1:35:32 PM
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notmycity
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2 Peter 2:3 says, “through covetousness shall they with feigned words make merchandise of you”.
It has been our observation that most so-called churches have fallen into this in the past several decades or so.
When folks leave, the money goes with them.
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"I am a companion of all them that fear thee, and of them that keep thy precepts." Psalm 119:63
and..
"For here have we no continuing city, but we seek one to come." Heb 13:14 = "notmycity"
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/17/2007 9:49:45 AM
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redeemedsaint
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Why do you need an exit interview if you're leaving a church? The church is not a business and should not be treated as such. You the individual are the church. If you leave a church because you disagree with doctrine etc, then you should leave quietly and I believe that having an exit interview causes more problems than it should and can lead to gossip.
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Get off the track cause the freight train is coming - Coach Bobby Lee Duke from Facing the Giants
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/18/2007 11:58:37 AM
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Covaan_Meshuga
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Redeemed, all of our thoughts on this subject are completely dependent upon our experiences. The churches would benefit greatly by "exit interviews," if they could hear them without prejudice -- something I sincerely doubt would happen in most.
Suppose you decided to leave the company of your brothers and sisters, breaking off all ties: no more coming to dinner, no phone calls, no letters -- nothing. How cruel it would be to do it without telling them, without giving them a chance to respond. People do sometimes leave without explanation, but it is usually because of severe mental illness, addictions, or the need to escape a sick family.
Churches, some more than others, try to tell people that they are brothers and sisters in the L-rd. They are taught a kind of familial doctrine which carries with it the ideals of family. Some even call one another "sister" and "brother." Some, as one I used to attend, even go so far as to tell the congregants that the church is their only "real" family and that their ties to the church should be stronger than the ties to family. But the "proof of the pudding" is when people leave. Rather than concerned "family" wondering where they are, if they are all right, etc., these "family members" can leave and their absence is hardly be noticed or can even be welcomed.
Churches can be cruel. Cruel beyond measure. Cruel, uncaring, and unthinking. An exit interview, as suggested by the OP, can give both the ones leaving and the church an opportunity to communicate, to talk things through, to learn, and to leave on a better note than otherwise.
To just dismiss "family" without a word does not work well. Adding to this, when my family left, 6 of us (my husband and I and my son and his family, including little children) went without the "exit interview." The gossip flowed. We heard some of it, and my children (bless them!) didn't tell me a lot of what was said. And truth was a major factor! For example, some of what was said, after the pastor told me I was no longer a member of HIS church, was that he did not kick me out.
I am all for the idea of the exit interview, but if the leaving was because of some grievance, I would not do it one-on-one with the pastor. I would take along a witness or two who were unrelated and not close friends of any party in the interview room.
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Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/17/2008 6:08:20 PM
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IMA_CHRISTIAN
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quote:
ORIGINAL: notmycity
2 Peter 2:3 says, “through covetousness shall they with feigned words make merchandise of you”.
It has been our observation that most so-called churches have fallen into this in the past several decades or so.
When folks leave, the money goes with them.
wow.. are you saying what I think you are saying? that kinda scares me. how prevalent is that.. that you are worth just your tithe or offering money. how would you know if that was the reason you were needed?
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/17/2008 6:33:24 PM
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earthless
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quote:
ORIGINAL: IMA_CHRISTIAN
quote:
ORIGINAL: notmycity
2 Peter 2:3 says, “through covetousness shall they with feigned words make merchandise of you”.
It has been our observation that most so-called churches have fallen into this in the past several decades or so.
When folks leave, the money goes with them.
wow.. are you saying what I think you are saying? that kinda scares me. how prevalent is that.. that you are worth just your tithe or offering money. how would you know if that was the reason you were needed?
I have been to Word of Faith churches where they post an Excel spreadsheet at the front entrance of the sanctuary.. where listed alphabetically is every member's name and what they gave financially the week/month before.
Same churches where during the offering/collection times they announce from the pulpit for all of the church to take out their offerings and wave it in the air.. all the while "speaking prosperity into their lives...." and "rebuking the demon of poverty."
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Probing Today's Religious Movements | Promoting Doctrinal Discernment & Critical Thinking | Providing Reasons for Christian Faith & Ethics
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/17/2008 6:41:51 PM
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MrFribbles
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Wow... Reading this thread made me appreciate what a blessing it has been to not be involved in these sorts of churches. It's great if a pastor calls up and asks about why they're leaving, but the anger and alienation I'm reading about here really scares me. Where do these leaders learn how to lead?
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You're a door without a key,
A field without a fence.
You've made a holy fool of me,
And I've thanked you ever since.
- Aaron Weiss
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/17/2008 6:45:34 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
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Mr. Fribbles, that is exactly the point: some of them have never learned. Some churches lift up, exalt, and adore not being educated. Mine did.
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Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/17/2008 7:01:01 PM
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earthless
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This just in... my wife's old Word of Faith church now has their "Apostle" calling himself a "Super Apostle".
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/17/2008 7:13:41 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
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Oh, vomit. Glad that's her "old" church.
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Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/17/2008 10:51:51 PM
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Liveloved
Posts: 2072
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quote:
ORIGINAL: NanaSharon
I'm a person who has worked in many companies, large and small. I've also worshiped and served in many churches, large and small.
In the large companies, one of the things that happens when you leave is something called "an exit interview." In this interview you are asked many questions about the company, both good and bad, i.e., how you were treated, how other employees treated you, etc. Then, you are asked, "Why are you leaving." Awesome if you ask me.
Yet, in our churches when we leave we are ignored, even preached about as though we are evil for leaving. Why can't we receive an "Exit Interview"?
Do you want one word?
The answer is PRIDE.
It takes humility to speak truth and hear truth. Few do.
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/18/2008 4:46:14 AM
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Bluethread
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Covaan_Meshuga
Suppose you decided to leave the company of your brothers and sisters, breaking off all ties: no more coming to dinner, no phone calls, no letters -- nothing. How cruel it would be to do it without telling them, without giving them a chance to respond. People do sometimes leave without explanation, but it is usually because of severe mental illness, addictions, or the need to escape a sick family.
This is an interesting concept. I'm surprised it hasn't been picked up before now. Does one have an "exit interview" when they seperate from their family. Usually not. Because, they do not see themselves as leaving the family. There usually is "the talk", when a child reaches the age where a parent believes they can understand mutual respect and "adult" decisions are in the near future. However, I think the healthiest families might not even have "the talk", but begin a conversation with their children in the nursery or before and continue the conversation "'til death do us part".
It might be more healthy if we looked at the family of Adonai the same way. We may come and go, and we might even argue and fight. However, we continue the conversation. It is too bad that some people believe communicating with others is "sheep stealing". After all who's sheep are we? To turn a phrase, "You have not lost a member, you have broadened your community."
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/18/2008 1:35:07 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Bluethread
. . . "sheep stealing." After all who's sheep are we? To turn a phrase, "You have not lost a member, you have broadened your community."
Wow. That's something to think about.
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Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/18/2008 2:47:54 PM
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LBolt
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quote:
Me thinks you paint with too wide a brush, mabe you mean some Churches instead of all Churches.
When someone leaves our congregation (and does not move from the area) I want and ask for a meeting. We discuss the reason for their leaving and what kind of Chruch they are looking for. I will reccomend Churches that meet their criteria and offer to go with them to meet the leadership of those Churches. I do not use the 'Sitdown" to make excuses or to try to talk them out of their desired goal of changing Church homes. We were told that leaving the church was like getting a divorce. There was proper protocol...I have yet to find a verse in the scripture telling someone that you have to give a 2 week notice. I know Paul experience something similar when he choose to go to Jerusalem at against the admonishment of others.
I think Hobbs expressed from the heart the hurt that leaders experience. I only wish that I could write something to help soothe any pain you may have suffered.
When a Christian changes Churches they do not loose their Christianity and should be treated as a Brother/Sister in Christ.
Now some Pastors/Elders do not do this out of fear of being railed at by the departing folks; that has never happened to me, so I feel the fear is not justified.
Thanks
RC
You are a wonderful person, RC. This is a very touching post. To my knowledge this is the first time I've heard of a Pastor willing to do what you do. Praise Yah for you, Brother!
I attended a rather large church, 13 years old at the time, I was there 12 of those 13 years. For me it was combination of things but mainly a change in theology. I requested a meeting with the Pastor only to be cancelled on 2-3 times. My wife and I knew from seeing previous members leave it could be a rather confrontational experience. We gave a prior heads up before the meeting. We sat down with the department heads and told them our intentions and sent a letter stating the why's...that we loved them.
I think what hurt the most was that they called a leadership meeting the following Tuesday to discuss the letter I wrote and how I was "off" on the points I brought up. I never received a phone call inviting me to the meeting or a brief sit down even though we've requested this 2-3 months earlier. I found out through a good frriend of mind. I was then rebuked by him for "error" and was told later that I was leaving my covering, that I was steering my family down the wrong path... This was my best frfiend outside of my wife, mind you.
However, was not all bad. Many still embrace us with love. On of the ministers told me that what I was receiving the body of Messiah and specifically that particular fellowship was in need of and that God indeed did shift my to learn what I am learning. This was great encouragement to me. Not that I needed the affirmation because my mind was already set and I know what I know. But this was very encouraging to me. I miss them very much. I returned only one Sunday after the Holy Ghost prompted me and ended shaking hands with the pastor and briefly talking. I also ran into an individual who had attended the church but moved out of state. He had been praying that he'd see me. YAH is awesome like that. I talk to another individual and was told how much my family and I were missed. There is a void felt when people leave. It hurts when you've invest alot of time and passion into something only to There is a void when there isn't proper closure. I know that I'll be visiting in the future for an assignment.
I can only imagine the hurt feelings felt on their end. You know, I have yet to receive a phone call and my number hasn't changed. My actions were that of self preservation and protection of the truth I have. Looking back, it was better for me not to have met face to face because the word could have been choked out of me .
We have to realize that we must love YAH more than earthly relationships. What I think what Messiah was speaking of in Luke when He said "you must love me and hate you family" is that in comparison it must be like hate. For example, I have a piece of candy that is sweet and I eat something else that is far sweeter than the previous candy, the first piece is like bland in comparison. Yes I like the first the but the second candy far exceeds the first piece. That's how I love for God should be compared to earthly relationships, like family and friends. It cost to walk and obey YAH but the rewards are worth it. No we are to completely abandon our family's but YAH must be first.
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Wisdom is the principle thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding...she shall give to thine head an ornament of grace..---Proverbs 4:7
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/18/2008 3:28:01 PM
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Liveloved
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A community, a family. . . yes, and when one leaves there should be phantom pain. . . a part of the body is now missing and that departure should be felt.
I grieve for those who have allowed body parts to fall off or whither away without the restorative work that RC speaks of. Do we fail to remember we will be held to account?
Pride has a huge cost. It's ultimate cost is that of the very soul.
Thanks for sharing your stories. And I hope that those who have left a church are continuing to pray for the leadership of that church. I am.
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/18/2008 4:00:10 PM
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jbow
Posts: 629
Joined: 2/16/2007
From: Dixie
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quote:
I have been to Word of Faith churches where they post an Excel spreadsheet at the front entrance of the sanctuary.. where listed alphabetically is every member's name and what they gave financially the week/month before.
If I saw that in a Church I would leave right away, I wouldn't need to stay for anything else. We are 'inbetween' right now but our last Church had a box at the back of the sanctuary and I know that the pastor made it a point to be kept in the dark about what people were giving.
Also, this church made a decision to not have a membership role... if it weren't so far away i'd still be there...
It seems I am always amazed by something...
J
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"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."
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RE: Leaving a Church - 11/18/2008 4:02:42 PM
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earthless
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jbow
quote:
I have been to Word of Faith churches where they post an Excel spreadsheet at the front entrance of the sanctuary.. where listed alphabetically is every member's name and what they gave financially the week/month before.
If I saw that in a Church I would leave right away, I wouldn't need to stay for anything else. We are 'inbetween' right now but our last Church had a box at the back of the sanctuary and I know that the pastor made it a point to be kept in the dark about what people were giving.
I am always amazed by something...
J
Due to a multitude of different reasons (not sure if you read part of my testimony in the Benny Hinn thread) I have stayed and have been in several churches/services where that and a lot more horrific things were done in the name of the Lord.
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i realise now that 
