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Kids that Hit - 10/1/2008 11:44:52 AM
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stellaluna
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Regarding tiny terrors...
One day I was staying with a friend's little boy and I told him he couldn't do something, don't remember what. Next thing I know he is coming up behind me with a hockey stick ready to hit me. He was about five maybe at the time? I reacted more than responded. I grabbed the stick and his arm, and basically pinned him to the floor and immobilized him. (This is what comes of being the only girl with a bunch of brothers and studying karate for four years.) I wasn't angry or anything, I just told him "I'm bigger than you, I'm stronger than you and you WILL NOT hit me or this is what happens. Got it?" He nodded and I let him up and we had a fine time the rest of the evening.
I told his parents about the incident, only to discover that this kid was terrorizing them and basically going after them with hockey sticks, baseball bats, etc. anytime he didn't get his way. And instead of stopping the behavior, they were letting him back them into corners and they were ending up injured! It had never occurred to them to demonstrate to him that they were physically stronger and not afraid of him. But they both tried my impromptu method after this conversation and he got the picture real quick that he didn't have the upper hand physically.
Now, I know my mother's philosophy on raising boys is "Never let them win." This is based on the fact that most boys will outgrow their mothers and sometimes their fathers while still living at home. (My brothers certainly did.) She believes that you have to use the strength you have while they're still young and small to reinforce the idea that mom cannot be overpowered. She also firmly believes that moms should never wrestle with their sons or engage in "feats of strength" with them because it doesn't take very many years before boys are, in fact, stronger than their mothers.
Hitting and reacting was mentioned in another thread and I didn't want to hijack it.
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RE: Kids that Hit - 10/1/2008 11:54:11 AM
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Sideways
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I think we need to separate playful wrestling with obvious bad behavior. Even if you "never let them win" as a small child, they can still figure out as a teen that they are stronger then you. Overpowering physical strength really isn't the point in a long term parenting relationship.
In the situation you described I would probably do what you did, but in a parenting relationship, there's more to training a child then just brute strength. Don't misunderstand, I use my strength against my son all the time; he's 18 months old and sometimes just needs to be picked up and carried. Or he gets a swat for something really bad (we're not really a hard-core spanking family).
But him hitting me? Well, twice in the last two days, he's been playing with a stick outside and just digging in the dirt and messing around. At one point both days he moved to hit me, almost playfully, but I immediately said "NO HITTING MOMMY!" very loud and very stern. He immediately backed off. Had he continued I would've taken the stick away and escalated the discipline.
It's all part of training him to understand that hitting a person is not acceptable. We're working on shoving too, but that seems to be a different animal.
I'm not sure I see where playful wrestling is bad, however.
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RE: Kids that Hit - 10/1/2008 12:17:50 PM
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Mrs.X
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stellaluna
I suspect if you stop a child from hitting you when they're 18 months old, you likely won't have to worry about a five-year-old coming after you.
I totally agree with you.
If I were you in that same situation, I probably would have done the same thing, or ran from him while looking at the parents with the look of "Why aren't you doing anything?" If they contunued to not do anything, I woulda grabbed the stick from him and told him it wasn't nice. What you did, or what I woulda done is pretty much all you can do not being the parent of the child.
I can't even imagine what I would have done as a parent. I don't have a 5 year old yet, so it's hard for me to say. I don't think my kid will do that at 5 since we already went through the hitting thing when he was 15 months old. My youngest hasn't started yet, but I already know what to do.
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RE: Kids that Hit - 10/1/2008 1:51:28 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
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quote:
I suspect if you stop a child from hitting you when they're 18 months old, you likely won't have to worry about a five-year-old coming after you.
I agree.
I know lots of people say it's counterintuitive, but we spank for hitting, and it works. Hitting is violent lashing out with the intent to hurt. Spanking is an expected, considered, consistent, and uncomfortable consequence for hurting someone else. It works in this house.  If my 5 yo came at me with a hocky stick, or actually hit me, he wouldn't be able to sit down for a week after dh got to him.  Just this week our toddler was playing rough and grabbed me on the face resulting in a bad scratch. While it was not malicious and he didn't recieve any punishment, dh was seriously disturbed and we were reminded that we need to be careful about training our little ones to play without hurting others.
I cannot fathom parents, particularly fathers, allowing their children to violently attack others, particularly their own moms!
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RE: Kids that Hit - 10/1/2008 2:08:29 PM
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stellaluna
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
quote:
I told his parents about the incident, only to discover that this kid was terrorizing them and basically going after them with hockey sticks, baseball bats, etc. anytime he didn't get his way. And instead of stopping the behavior, they were letting him back them into corners and they were ending up injured! It had never occurred to them to demonstrate to him that they were physically stronger and not afraid of him. But they both tried my impromptu method after this conversation and he got the picture real quick that he didn't have the upper hand physically.
That's just nuts. As a parent I can't imagine allowing my children to behave this way.
I can honestly say I thought they were joking at first. A kid coming at a babysitter with a hockey stick is one thing--I would even give him the benefit of the doubt enough to assume he was testing boundaries with me. But a kid repeatedly terrorizing his parents (one of whom is 6'3" and about 250 lbs) was, at the time, the silliest thing I had ever heard.
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RE: Kids that Hit - 10/1/2008 2:26:50 PM
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Jenny-Fair
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From: WA
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quote:
I told his parents about the incident, only to discover that this kid was terrorizing them and basically going after them with hockey sticks, baseball bats, etc. anytime he didn't get his way
I would say either the parents are weenies or the kid needs professional help.
I'm a single mom, but my boys know that if they ever behaved that way, I would have my dad or one of their Senseis here in a heartbeat to take care of them.
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RE: Kids that Hit - 10/1/2008 3:41:29 PM
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Auben
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Yes, early is better. Growing up I knew lots of families where it was okay for the kids to just whack each other. I don't know what my mother did but none of us is psychologically able to lift a hand against another person. (Shove a little...wrestle..yes, but not hit.)
Every child in this family knows from a young age that hitting means you can't be trusted with others, and there are just too many fun things to do to limit yourself by hitting.
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RE: Kids that Hit - 10/2/2008 7:34:06 AM
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HenriettasCat
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I am not a spanking parent but I would probably have done exactly like you Stella. I certainly have taken my 5 year old firmly by both wrists in a similar situation, got eyeball to eyeball and told him in no uncertain terms that he better stop or else there would be BIG trouble (in his case it is usually writing lines in a time out).
Now my youngest son - Godlove'im - he is a different kettle of fish. A very strong willed child who time outs did little for. About 6 months ago if he was having an attitude he would reach down and pull on the gear stick in the car (he sat next to me because he had undone his seatbelt before because he decided he needed a cuddle on the motorway!!!). In this instant (though I still do not see myself as a spanker) I did use physical pain in the form on a sharp swat on the arm (there was not much else I could do). I also found that after this he understood what 'big trouble' for him means. Time outs suddenly work for this kid "if I see your bottom off that step there will be pain" - only ever had to do it once, at least he has a good memory 
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RE: Kids that Hit - 10/2/2008 3:40:31 PM
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1love1God1way
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My dad would've taken the stick right back at me had I ever swung at him.
. . . and I never would have dreamed about hitting him again.
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RE: Kids that Hit - 10/2/2008 6:44:10 PM
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flyboy2610
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When my son was about 5, he took a swing at my wife, and I saw him do it. I grabbed him by both of his upper arms, lifted him off the ground, and held him with his back to the wall, eye to eye with me. I proceeded to tell him in NO uncertain terms that such behavior was totally unacceptable in our home, and he had better not ever do it again! He had that "Uh, oh! I'm dead!" look in his eyes the whole time. When I was done, I set him down on the floor, and made him go to his room for an hour.
He NEVER tried that stunt again.
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(And they certainly seemed to work in our family.) 
