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Kids Faking Illness - 9/23/2008 9:45:06 AM
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monicaleap
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Joined: 6/27/2008
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I have a 16 year old, an 11 year old and a 10 year old. Every so often my oldest and youngest (both girls) will exaggerate an illness or how bad they feel (I think for the extra attention or to be able to stay home from
school). I know most kids do this and I know it's not really that big of a deal. But for some reason, this
really makes me angry and I end up snapping at them ('you're not really sick! would you stop that fake
coughing!) and I sound awful! I've tried ignoring my impulses and being comforting without giving in and
letting them stay home but that doesn't seem to stop it. They do get plenty of attention from me and their dad - I think they just want more (or as I said just a day off). I know this isn't a real serious issue but I wanted some input as to how others handle this and what really works to end this once and for all. [image][/image]
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/23/2008 10:40:18 AM
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Tinkerbell_
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Sounds like something is going on and nothing short of talking to them will help you figure it out.
You did mention it was your daughter's though; could it have something to do with their monthly's? Are they completely prepared to deal with it at school? Do they have strong cramps and it just makes it unbearable to deal with school?
THe only suggestion I have is when they AREN'T complaining about not feeling well ask them about school, their friends, what's going in their lives, and see if you can't pinpoint exactly why they don't want to go.
It could be as simple as a biweekly test, or something as complicated as friendship woes.
Good luck! *huggles*
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/23/2008 11:17:28 AM
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Mrs.X
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
THe only suggestion I have is when they AREN'T complaining about not feeling well ask them about school, their friends, what's going in their lives, and see if you can't pinpoint exactly why they don't want to go.
It could be as simple as a biweekly test, or something as complicated as friendship woes.
Totally agree. When I'd pull that, it was mostly because I hated my math class and math teacher. And, I'd suddenly feel "a little better" at 9am when that class was over, and I'd head to school.
_____________________________
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From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. -Proverbs 15:1
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/23/2008 12:13:32 PM
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manda59
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Have you ever let them stay home from school when they've been like this? When was the last time?
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/23/2008 7:30:48 PM
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deedeeowens
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My kids are older now, but I used check to see if they had a fever. My kids always had so much other stuff going on that all I had to say was, "Oh, I'm sorry you're sick. Of course if you miss school, you won't be able to go to karate class either." OR "I hope you feel better. You'll need to stay home this weekend and make up your work." Suddenly they're not so sick, and I didn't have to accuse them of faking it.
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/23/2008 7:52:58 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1029
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I'd suggest a measurable standard (something that you can see and evaluate without them needing to tell you things) of when they stay home.
Things like: fever, vomiting, diarrhea more frequent than every 3 hours, uncontrollable coughing or coughing that hurts, a headache that causes a natural 'flinch' at light or sound, or dizziness, monthly cramps that cause loss of appetite, paleness, tummy cuddling or a noticeable tendency to sit down and be still more than they normally would. (Not that these are the only criteria, just that there should be criteria.)
Each time, keep a business like attitude "Don't ask me if you can stay home. I'll decide and let you know. Please tell me exactly what you are feeling." (Listen carefully and with real sympathy... if that's all they want, then you've met it and they can get on with their education. Give them any appropriate medication at this point, so that you can see if it 'kicks in' in time to go.)
Then you say, "OK, go ahead and get ready, and I'll let you know what I decide about school." And observe them as they go about their morning.
If they meet your criteria, they stay home, and you can surely control your anger about a perceived attempt to manipulate you.
If you get the impression that you think you were wrong to let them stay, do nothing different that day -- even if their need isn't really sickness, they have a need, and staying home with you is meeting it. Later that week, you might bring it up in a 'you can confide in me' kind of conversation, that they're not in trouble, but you are pretty sure they were not as sick as they said they were, and would they maybe like to tell you some of the reasons that kids her age exaggerate or fake sicknesses? Ask her what she really needs and why she thinks she has to deceive you to get it, and if she can think of another way that you could help (that doesn't involve skipping school).
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/23/2008 8:23:39 PM
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iluvatar
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My parents never bought it if I just woke up sick that morning, but then I did get sent to school plenty of times when I really shouldn't have. I learned that I had to be sick the night before; going to bed early was worth missing school the next day.
-Dan.
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Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/23/2008 8:37:11 PM
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Jenny-Fair
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I had a friend whose mom allowed each child two 'mental health days' off of school per semester. I think it's a good policy. Sometimes I think grownups underestimate the stress that kids are under.
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Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/24/2008 11:56:57 AM
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GregandJenny
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From: Near Seattle Washington
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quote:
My parents never bought it if I just woke up sick that morning, but then I did get sent to school plenty of times when I really shouldn't have. I learned that I had to be sick the night before; going to bed early was worth missing school the next day.
i wish my parents were like that. If we were sick then we were not allowed to watch TV or go outside. There was no telephone and no leaving the bedroom exept for food and bathroom. We needed our complete rest is what my mom said. The only time I missed school was for the chicken pox and something else I can't remember.
G
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/24/2008 4:14:09 PM
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reach
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That is my thought. I am giving my kids 1-2 day to just stay home. Just like me, somedays we just don't want to work.
Plus I will get to stay home! LOL!
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/24/2008 9:39:36 PM
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iluvatar
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quote:
ORIGINAL: GregandJenny
quote:
My parents never bought it if I just woke up sick that morning, but then I did get sent to school plenty of times when I really shouldn't have. I learned that I had to be sick the night before; going to bed early was worth missing school the next day.
i wish my parents were like that. If we were sick then we were not allowed to watch TV or go outside. There was no telephone and no leaving the bedroom exept for food and bathroom. We needed our complete rest is what my mom said. The only time I missed school was for the chicken pox and something else I can't remember.
G
My parents both worked during the day. I'm sure the game would have been played a bit differently if that weren't the case.
quote:
ORIGINAL: reach
That is my thought. I am giving my kids 1-2 day to just stay home. Just like me, somedays we just don't want to work.
Plus I will get to stay home! LOL!
I suppose this could work with some kids who legitimately try and do get stressed and tired. My school was such a joke that this concept was completely foreign to me until I was in my 20's.
-Dan.
_____________________________
Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/25/2008 2:04:23 AM
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Row1
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this can be a serious problem. it can be "school refusal." like other anxiety-type problems, like fear of speaking in public, some problem at school makes a kid have an upset stomach or headache or something else like this as part of what we know is "nerves."
the problem is when the "reward" happens - avoiding the problem in school. then, it starts to happen more and more.
as a parent, you get stuck in it: first, you stick to your same standards, instead of letting them adjust when it seems to be getting unusually more frequent. second, you tend to let the child stay home because you do not want to be "mean."
we went through this with my stepdaughter, who had a difficult time transitioning into middle school. she complained of stomach ache, and was starting to get a few sick days. i got concerned because at a certain point, the law comes after the parents, and the child can fail a grade - we were actually on-track for that, with no true medical problem other than stomach symptoms - which were probably actually happening.
her mom is a softy, as many moms are (almost always a good thing). however, i have a sixth sense for things like this. this was one of my first major parenting pushes as stepfather - go to school unless i see blood or vomit, and still then i am pretty likely to say go to school - to a kid who seems prone to this. if you are sick, 1. go to school, 2. go to nurse 3. maybe get sent home.
my stepdaughter stayed home one day soon after my wife and i got married. my wife and i had both left for work before stepdaughter was to leave for school. so, mom gets a call at work: 'mom i'm sick.' well, when i found out, i called the school nurse, and the grade-level principal, and grade level counselor - i told them to expect her, and what is the process for her to get checked in late? i called a couple neighbors trying to find someone to give her a ride to school. my wife figured out i was not playing around, and my wife got free from work and got her daughter to school. after that, the complaints declined.
my wife and i nipped this in the bud, plus eventually discovered social problems (i have learned a lot abt middle-school life for girls) and test anxiety. we dealt with those as best as we could. fortunately, i am starting to forget all of this now.
the problem is that a child can truly be honest about feeling sick, and people can truly be unaware as they become avoidant or dependent on some remedy.
i have known cases where this gets really bad - a child can end up truly determined to avoid school, like a person with a fear of heights will avoid some high palce - irrationally fighting to avoid.
one big problem in this is when the parents are not on the same page - one wants to be nice and sympathetic and the other wants to enforce attendance.
i hope your problems are not this big. but i wanted to mention that this can potentially get to be a big problem.
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/25/2008 12:03:49 PM
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Jenny-Fair
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I really find this thread fascinating. My mom recently gave me her file of things that got sent home from school. There were letters in there that I never saw, and one of them was a warning that I had missed too many days. I think that was 7th grade.
I can remember exaggerating symptoms, but as I remember it, I wished very hard that I would have a tummy ache because actually having it was better than having to go to school. It wasn't tests or anything, I think it was more the daily grind and social aspects. So I kind of sympathize with these kids!
My kids don't go to school (my eldest does now, but he is living with his dad this year so it's not my problem) so this is not something I have ever experienced from the parents' point of view! If one of them doesn't want to participate in an activity, he generally just tells me, lol.
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Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/25/2008 12:09:32 PM
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HisLamb26
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Hey monica,
Growing up, one of my friends mother had a "rule" about being home sick, which nipped most of the fake days off in the bud:
"If you are too sick to go to school, then you are too sick to be up and about, watching TV. You have to stay in bed for the day."
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Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. ~Pat Robertson
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/25/2008 1:12:52 PM
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Jenny-Fair
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I don't think I would want the kids to go to school if they WERE sick just to avoid punishment of some sort, though. I have found they really don't learn well when they aren't feeling well, and exposing everyone else to germs is rude.
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Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/25/2008 1:25:48 PM
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SurpassingPeace
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I think I would try to get to the underlying problem of why they don't want to go to school. If they are getting enough attention from you, then I wouldn't think they would seek the negative attention that arises from faking illness. I have said in another thread that you could not pay me enough to relive my preteen and teen years. It is just a hard time in a child's life. It can be stressful and school can be an emotional jungle. I am not sure if adults always realize this. There may be stressers they are trying to avoid that you do not realize are affecting them. I would make it a top priority to find out what they are and deal with the underlying problem.
Karen
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/25/2008 8:52:17 PM
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Karaboo2
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Around here, it was the same deal ... too sick to go to school, too sick to leave your room. And if you ended up during the day being well enough to leave your room, you were also well enough to vacuum, clean out cupboards, etc. -- and you kept doing all the housework until you fell into bed really late from total exhaustion!!
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/26/2008 6:38:42 AM
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zoebob
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I think there's a huge difference between too sick to go to school and concentrate on school work and not infect other people and being able to move to the couch and watch TV. It's not like that takes very much effort. Besides, sometimes having to get up and go do something like going to school can wear you down so you don't have the energy to fight what may be coming on and you end up feeling sick longer.
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/28/2008 2:03:21 AM
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locomom
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I don't think it's realistic to require a measurable standard. There are too many ways of not feeling well that aren't visible and that your child isn't that good at explaining. For us it was headaches, double vision, acute sinusitis, ear infections, stomach ache, allergies, and breathing problems (only 1 time for that). Given that I have all of these except double vision I am very knowledgeable about most of these. Yet when my dd was young it was a real puzzle to tell what was going on.
So at some point it is your best instinct, and accepting that you will make mistakes.
Since my daughter had a lot of headaches, sinusitis, ear infections from early on, she did not know what it was like to live without the discomforts these things bring. I learned to trust that nagging feeling that something's wrong. I was pretty accurate.
It took until she was 16 yo to fully understand and get her diagnosed. She has allergies, sinusitis, sensitive skin, migraines, acquired esotropia, loose joints that caused her to sprain her ankles easily, PMS, and painful ovulation. Fortunately most of this is under control.
P.S. I once heard a pediatrician on a radio program say that a child will run a fever with an ear infection. My daughter had an intermittent temperature of 103 only once when she was 3 yo. I also do not run a fever when I get infections. The last time I did was when I was 23 yo and had bronchitis with a secondary infection. I am 49 yo now and have not had a fever above 99 since then in spite of multiple sinus infections and some secondary lung infections from viruses. We are weird medically.
< Message edited by locomom -- 9/28/2008 2:15:48 AM >
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/28/2008 2:17:15 AM
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Roberta_
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One time my mom thought I was faking illness. She sent me to school only to have to pick me up an hour later because I had 103 degree temp and the full-blown flu. I was more than happy to go to bed for a week.
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 9/30/2008 3:53:15 PM
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MC4JC
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Not sure if it would work on teens, but my mom would give us a choice in staying home if we were sick (in grade school). The catch was......
"If you are sick enough to stay home from school then you must be sick enough to take a dose of Milk of Magnesia."
You'd be surprised at how fast we would either stay home or go to school. the MoM was awful! :)
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RE: Kids Faking Illness - 10/28/2008 4:51:47 PM
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MacysMommy
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My little girl is only 9 months old, but since she was about 5 months old she's had a fake cough that she will do when she isn't getting her way or is upset. Lately, with her becoming more and more mobile, when we tell her "no-no" she will use her fake cough! What a silly kid!
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