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Jealous of my own daughter - 12/4/2008 1:42:29 AM
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Mammoo
Posts: 20
Joined: 8/5/2005
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I can hardly bring myself to say this ... I "gave" my daughter the childhood ... the life ... I didn't get. Now she's doing great in college and I have come to the sickening realization that I'm jealous. Making a long life short, I was incredibly abused growing up: tied up, half-starved, ridiculed, verbally abused, sexually assaulted (then blamed for it), neglected, etc. Although I won contest after contest for writing in high school, I was told that there was no reason for me to go to college. My brothers got to go because they were engineers, not dreamy writers.
Well, my husband was also an abused kid. I realize that by the world's standards it should have taken us a thousand years of counseling to overcome all that, but by the Grace of God we both agreed to raise our children in a home without anger and rage and instability - a home filled with peace. And, by the Grace of God, we have mostly done that. The worst you can say of us is that we have been terribly over-indulgent, and that our two kids are spoiled. We hardly ever spanked them, grounded them, or anything else. I can honestly say we might actually "yell" at them maybe twice a year. We gave them baseball and softball, dance and gymnastics, martial arts, even entered our daughter into pageants. Everything our own parents never gave us. We homeschooled them, at great personal sacrifice - for my husband, financially (because I didn't go back to work) and, for me, personally (because I never did get to pursue my dreams).
Now my daughter is in her first year of college, pursuing exactly what she wants to do: Political Science. She's doing so well that the head of the department picked her out to advise her personally. She was elected Vice President of the Republican collegiate organization even though she is only a freshman. The top dog of the Democratic party picked her out personally and challenged her to a public debate, because debate is what she does best, and called her the next Sarah Palin. She's doing GREAT. And, with a sickening thud, I realize I'm suddenly jealous of her happy life - the life I worked so hard to give her.
Wasn't her success - no, her happiness - the goal of the last nineteen years of my own life?
I ask myself: For what reason did I homeschool her, for what reason did I give up my life, than for this blessing of a daughter to do well - to get the chances we did not?
What kind of horrible person would be jealous of her own child?
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RE: Jealous of my own daughter - 12/4/2008 1:59:32 AM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2940
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
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((((((((((((((((Mamoo))))))))))))))))
First of all, I am terribly sorry for the abuse you suffered as a child.  My childhood had it's problems, and I was maybe overly strictly dealt with, but nothing, nothing, nothing like what you went through..I was certainly was not abused in that sense. Reading what you went through made me cry.
Secondly, praise God for the way you and your husband did things differently and raised your children right! You have my utmost respect!!!
Thirdly, no one has a perfect attitude towards their own child ALL the time, and I have many a time struggled with the sin of envy. Granted, it wasn't toward my own child..kind of impossible to be envious of your own child when you don't have one  , but that doesn't make my sin of envy any worse than yours, it's just something to repent of and move on...we all have times when we see others having what we wish we could have..you just happened to have that "other person" be your daughter..and that doesn't make you worse than anyone else.
Now that your kids ARE grown, could you pursue some of your own interests? Take some night classes? Develop some hobbies? Do a job part time? Do some freelance writing? It seems like this might be a good season for pursuing some of your own interests, and pursuing some long lost dreams. It's never too late to start something you love...Grandma Moses didn't paint until she was 90 years old!  , and she did some nice paintings, too, IMO. I think you have earned some time for yourself!
And, you are NOT a horrible person, you're just a fallible human being, like all of us.
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RE: Jealous of my own daughter - 12/4/2008 7:52:43 AM
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Sideways
Posts: 3934
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I agree, your feelings are not evil. They are human, but not entirely off base. You are to be praised for working so hard on behalf of your children and sacrificing so much for them. That speaks more about you then you may realize.
It may be that even after all this time there is a lot of pain still in your heart from all the years of abuse and neglect, and if you pray and feel led by God, you may still benefit from a Christian counselor.
I also agree that now is the time to focus on yourself a little. Go back to college, even an inexpensive one. Pursue your dreams. My own grandmother did not get her nursing license until she was 54. She was forced to drop out of high school, and only took the GED once her 5 kids were in high school and she was helping them with their homework! It can be done!
There is another lady here who home schooled her two girls through high school, then started college when her youngest was nearing the end. I'm sure she'll be happy to share her journey with you, too.
_____________________________
This warranty does not include shark bites, bear attacks and children under five.
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RE: Jealous of my own daughter - 12/4/2008 8:21:51 AM
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Ellie-Mae
Posts: 3612
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From: The EMPIRE state!
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{{{Mammoo}}}} It is very common for people who have been abused to be revisited by the pain of their past when they hit certain mile stones. You have hit one of those mile stones. I could be wrong, of course, but maybe you aren't really jealous. Perhaps you are in mourning. Maybe you you are grieving for the childhood and opportunities that should have been yours if someone had believed and invested in you the way that you and your husband believed and invested in your kids. Try that on for a bit, and see if that fits you. If it does, allow yourself time to grieve without guilt.
Also, you haven't given away your life and opportunities for your children, just a portion of it. Actually, I tend to think of it as trading it for something that was more important to you, and it sounded like it has paid of in spades. What are you going to do with the next 40+ years that you have left? That is a long time! Pursue your dreams now. It is time for you and your hubby to invest more in each other. Spoil each other! You deserve it. 
_____________________________
Please do not PM me about this message, discuss it at the water cooler, or include it in your church bulletins. If you have questions, please keep them to yourself. ~Kerrlaw
W2D1
292 more miles t
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RE: Jealous of my own daughter - 12/4/2008 9:02:46 AM
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Consecrated2God
Posts: 5140
Joined: 4/4/2005
From: Formerly Jesus Land
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I agree with the others--you have done a wonderful thing for your daughter. I like what Ellie-Mae said about mourning your own childhood. Yes, you wish you could have had what your child has, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Times of transition are always difficult. When you work hard for something and then reach your goal, sometimes you wonder, "Now what?" Maybe now is the time for you to go to college, too.
Remember that you've been building up treasure in heaven for your sacrifices. God's got a special mansion just for you. :) God bless you.
_____________________________
Bonky
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RE: Jealous of my own daughter - 12/4/2008 9:24:54 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1863
Joined: 5/23/2006
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There comes a time when you have to take care of you. It sounds like maybe this is the time for you to do that. Have you ever heard of post traumatic stress disorder?(PTSD)
It is not uncommon for victim's of abuse to exp. PTSD years after enduring abuse. Maybe that is what you are experiencing and it has nothing to do with your daughter? Maybe your daughter's leaving for college could have triggered it?
I don't know, but I think it would be of great benefit to you to seek medical advice and as someone else said seek counseling, even if it has been years since your abuse.
Is it possible you used the years taking care of your daughter's needs to mask your own pain? If you have never had any prof. counseling to deal with your hurts I would strongly recommend it now.
It also sounds like having someone to discuss your feelings about your daughter could be beneficial for you as well. How is your husband coping with all this? Have the two of you talked about this as well?
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RE: Jealous of my own daughter - 12/4/2008 9:30:50 AM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 725
Joined: 12/30/2007
From: Inside my head
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Ellie-Mae
{{{Mammoo}}}} It is very common for people who have been abused to be revisited by the pain of their past when they hit certain mile stones. You have hit one of those mile stones. I could be wrong, of course, but maybe you aren't really jealous. Perhaps you are in mourning. Maybe you you are grieving for the childhood and opportunities that should have been yours if someone had believed and invested in you the way that you and your husband believed and invested in your kids. Try that on for a bit, and see if that fits you. If it does, allow yourself time to grieve without guilt.
I so completely agree with this.
Mammoo, you aren't horrible. Not in any way. You have shown incredible character, integrity, selflessness and love for a long time. God bless you abundantly for giving so much and for raising your children the way you have in spite of how you were raised. That takes a very strong and very loving person.
_____________________________
And if that wasn't funny, there were lots of things that weren't even funnier.
Heller ~ Catch-22
Perspective
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RE: Jealous of my own daughter - 12/4/2008 9:41:24 AM
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manda59
Posts: 6162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mammoo
Now she's doing great in college and I have come to the sickening realization that I'm jealous.
Could I ask at what point you realised this, ie what it was that made this penny drop? Was it something that happened, something someone said, or something else? Is everything ok between you and your daughter?
_____________________________
"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
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RE: Jealous of my own daughter - 12/4/2008 10:20:24 AM
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Row1
Posts: 249
Joined: 12/2/2005
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Hi, Mammoo-
Congrats! This is awesome!
There are not many people who so clearly achieve what most of us parents say we intend to do: do better for our children than our parents did for us.
Your daughter is bringing you a lot of honor. Smile and enjoy it.
Your main question is: is something wrong with you?
I am sorry to say, but the answer is: Yes.
Yes. Like me, and every other human, you are tragically flawed. This jealousy is simply a reminder of that.
Someone else gets recognized at work, and I am a tiny bit jealous. I just acknowledge it as a reminder that I am a flawed person, and I need to keep reading the Bible and stickign with sunday School to keep my mind, and behaviors on the right track.
That's all.
Don't worry about it.
It is good that you recognize that the problem is with you, not with your daughter. Otherwise, you might be compelled to cut her down, like people did to you when you showed great promise.
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RE: Jealous of my own daughter - 12/5/2008 1:17:08 AM
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Mammoo
Posts: 20
Joined: 8/5/2005
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Please accept my thanks, to everyone who posted. I tried everything I could think of to delete that post after I made it last night. I thought, "OH, NO - how could I have said all that in public!" I am praying that God remembers each one of you for your kindness in eternity - and I'm not just saying that.
Every single one of you who replied hit a nerve in some way or another. Yes, I do need to go back to writing. ... Yes, I have hit a milestone that is making me face some things I wish I didn't have to. ... Yes, I understand post traumatic stress disorder, and recognize that I have it (but, whoo, is that one long story). Finally, yes, I am having some problems with my daughter ... she's moving on and away from me. A good thing, except it's time to begin to let her go, and I don't really want to.
I have actually been counseling with my wonderful LOVING pastor about "my past" (I really dislike the term, but there's no other that's suitable). Please know that. I don't know why I just blurted all that out last night, and still wish I had not. I SO pray God blesses you for your kindness. One of the main things my pastor has done for me is give me permission to be human, and I thank you all most of all for bolstering that.
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RE: Jealous of my own daughter - 12/5/2008 9:01:46 AM
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iluvatar
Posts: 2031
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mammoo
Please accept my thanks, to everyone who posted. I tried everything I could think of to delete that post after I made it last night.
I'm glad you didn't. Your story, while heartbreaking, is very encouraging. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that at least for your family, you've stopped the cycle of abuse; I hope that she excels and appreciates what she's been given; and I hope that you can find your own peace and happiness.
-Dan.
_____________________________
Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.
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RE: Jealous of my own daughter - 12/5/2008 5:01:34 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2921
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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Mammoo,
Congratulations on a job well done. You are a successful parent. You and your husband were successful in the face of terrible odds.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Jealous of my own daughter - 12/5/2008 8:09:38 PM
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sen10tious
Posts: 363
Joined: 4/11/2005
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quote:
not dreamy writers. …
I never did get to pursue my dreams
…pursuing exactly what she wants to do
I agree with Ellie; you aren't really jealous. You have just spent 19 years proving that if your parents had been as supportive as you have been as a mom, you would have some trophies to show for it. Now your daughter is winning the recognition for your investment.
Return to your dream. I think that you will be pleasantly surprised to find that two decades of homeschooling is some of the BEST prep work that you can have for launching a dream later in life. You are not going to be rusty in your skills—you have just completed a high school refresher! You are probably more current on technology and trends than many women your age. You have had vicarious history, science, grammar and math reviews from checking and editing your daughter's homework and writing -- so you are in a far better position to hit the ground running than most folks with a mid-life crisis.
Have you ever heard of Storycircle.org? It is not explicitly Christian, but they recognize that faith is important to wholeness. The open on their website begins, "Storytelling is healing. As we reveal ourselves in story, we become aware of the continuing core of our lives under the fragmented surface of our experience." It is a cyber support group that encourages writing as therapy, and then can help with publishing what you have to say, if you want.
Another thing you can do to treat yourself is to look for a weekend writing workshop in a genre you would enjoy. You could use it as a mix of a mini-vacation reward for having successfully launched your daughter into adulthood and also to sort of stick your toe in the water to see if you would want to take more writing classes.
_____________________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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RE: Jealous of my own daughter - 12/5/2008 8:32:43 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mammoo
Finally, yes, I am having some problems with my daughter ... she's moving on and away from me. A good thing, except it's time to begin to let her go, and I don't really want to.
Are you saying that now she wants to do something different from what you'd imagined, that you're feeling upset and even a little angry?
If so, has it remained inside you or have you found yourself saying things to your daughter (that you might now regret)?
(btw, just to let you know, my mother admitted to me when I was about 19/20 that she was jealous of me. She came from a background of extreme abuse and neglect.)
_____________________________
"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
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RE: Jealous of my own daughter - 12/5/2008 11:07:11 PM
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Dancre
Posts: 1307
Joined: 4/12/2005
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It's ok, Mammo. believe it or not, you're not the first one to be jealous of kids. My mom was and is jealous of me sometimes. But . . . .
Instead of being jealous, use this time to pursue what you want to do. And I'm a 'dreamy writer' also and I LOVE IT!!!!!! I know you've got the writing itch, so scratch it. Write, write, write. You know you won't be happy until you do. and who knows, maybe you'll write that Great American novel one day and have it turned into a movie? But mammoo, writers can get, well, wierd sometimes. it's just who we are. Trust me, my parents worry about my imagination and friends' eyes often glaze over when I share my writing stuff with them. Sigh . . . But explore your life, fellow writer, explore and have fun. And trust me, writing is a lot more fun than boring old political science. Borrrinnggg!!! 
quote:
ORIGINAL: Mammoo
I can hardly bring myself to say this ... I "gave" my daughter the childhood ... the life ... I didn't get. Now she's doing great in college and I have come to the sickening realization that I'm jealous. Making a long life short, I was incredibly abused growing up: tied up, half-starved, ridiculed, verbally abused, sexually assaulted (then blamed for it), neglected, etc. Although I won contest after contest for writing in high school, I was told that there was no reason for me to go to college. My brothers got to go because they were engineers, not dreamy writers.
Well, my husband was also an abused kid. I realize that by the world's standards it should have taken us a thousand years of counseling to overcome all that, but by the Grace of God we both agreed to raise our children in a home without anger and rage and instability - a home filled with peace. And, by the Grace of God, we have mostly done that. The worst you can say of us is that we have been terribly over-indulgent, and that our two kids are spoiled. We hardly ever spanked them, grounded them, or anything else. I can honestly say we might actually "yell" at them maybe twice a year. We gave them baseball and softball, dance and gymnastics, martial arts, even entered our daughter into pageants. Everything our own parents never gave us. We homeschooled them, at great personal sacrifice - for my husband, financially (because I didn't go back to work) and, for me, personally (because I never did get to pursue my dreams).
Now my daughter is in her first year of college, pursuing exactly what she wants to do: Political Science. She's doing so well that the head of the department picked her out to advise her personally. She was elected Vice President of the Republican collegiate organization even though she is only a freshman. The top dog of the Democratic party picked her out personally and challenged her to a public debate, because debate is what she does best, and called her the next Sarah Palin. She's doing GREAT. And, with a sickening thud, I realize I'm suddenly jealous of her happy life - the life I worked so hard to give her.
Wasn't her success - no, her happiness - the goal of the last nineteen years of my own life?
I ask myself: For what reason did I homeschool her, for what reason did I give up my life, than for this blessing of a daughter to do well - to get the chances we did not?
What kind of horrible person would be jealous of her own child?
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RE: Jealous of my own daughter - 12/5/2008 11:12:14 PM
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Dancre
Posts: 1307
Joined: 4/12/2005
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And Mammoo, may I also add, there's an interesting story in that post of yours. I think you maybe onto something. I suggest you write down allll these feelings, then put them into say a story? Never know.
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