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Is this God's will or am I just an idiot? - 9/13/2008 4:50:43 PM
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rachsquelch
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Ok I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, I love him to bits, we are going to get married, etc, etc.
In the past he has done his share of things to hurt me but as hard as it was, I forgave him because I told myself he was not a Christian, had a less than ideal family life to say the least, etc. (He is a Christian now) But there is one thing he did a few months ago that I cannot seem to get over. It's a long story but in a nutshell he told me on the phone out of the blue that he didn't love me anymore (and some other cruel things that broke my heart). The next day, he apoligised and said he didn't know why he said all those things or what go into him and told me he has always loved me. I forgave him again and we're still together and lately our relationship has be strengthening.
Now here's the other side. About 2 years ago while I was feeling particularly down about some hurt he had caused me, I believe God spoke to me and said something along the lines of "keep your faith in him, I have chosen him for you". I wasn't praying aloud about it or anything so only God could have known what I was thinking. Now, that night we talked on the phone he didn't seem or even sound himself, it was like he had no emotions and he even told me afterwards that all he wanted to do was hurt me. So my question is, do you think that if God does want us to be together, that the phone call I described up there could have been just an attack from the enemy?
It's a looooong long post for just one question, sorry! But I wanted to give the whole story so the you'd be able to make an "informed decision" about the question. :)
God bless. :)
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RE: Is this God's will or am I just an idiot? - 9/13/2008 6:00:31 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1899
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rachsquelch
Ok I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, I love him to bits, we are going to get married, etc, etc.
Does this mean you guys are living together? If you are you won't be able to tell what God's will is because you're in sin. You'll need to get that straightened out first, then you'll be able to deal with the next issue.
If you guys are chaste, then yay! for you, you're not hurting yourselves or your relationship this way!
quote:
In the past he has done his share of things to hurt me but as hard as it was, I forgave him because I told myself he was not a Christian, had a less than ideal family life to say the least, etc. (He is a Christian now) But there is one thing he did a few months ago that I cannot seem to get over. It's a long story but in a nutshell he told me on the phone out of the blue that he didn't love me anymore (and some other cruel things that broke my heart). The next day, he apoligised and said he didn't know why he said all those things or what go into him and told me he has always loved me. I forgave him again and we're still together and lately our relationship has be strengthening.
Is he sliding in to a "wife abuser" role? They deliberately hurt their wives, then say they're sorry, then repeat. Hurt, apologize, hurt, apologize. The best way to stop this kind of person is to never let them get away with it, as they are testing you to see if you'll stay with them inspite of it. I can't tell from your post about your relationship, so you'll have to think about it. If you see this repeat itself, really, I'd go ahead and break my heart and leave him - it's a dealbreaker (you don't want a husband who does this regularly while you're tied down with little kids watching this).
quote:
Now here's the other side. About 2 years ago while I was feeling particularly down about some hurt he had caused me, I believe God spoke to me and said something along the lines of "keep your faith in him, I have chosen him for you".
The Holy Spirit only talks to us about Jesus, so it wasn't Him. Generally, when God talks to us it's to rebuke us (I have a story what God said to me - scared me to death!) or keep us in line/give us wisdom during trouble with what He has taught us from His Word. "Keep your faith in some person" looks very suspect to me from being from a non-God source - either yourself or the devil.
quote:
I wasn't praying aloud about it or anything so only God could have known what I was thinking.
It could have been from you. Our minds are incredibly complex and no one fully understands them.
quote:
Now, that night we talked on the phone he didn't seem or even sound himself, it was like he had no emotions and he even told me afterwards that all he wanted to do was hurt me.
Look back at what you've written - this is the third time you've mentioned he hurt you and maybe deliberately. Now people do hurt each other accidently given enough time, but this may be a pattern with him to do it on purpose. It's a huge red flag. A person who deliberately hurts another has serious moral problems, and is probably going to get worse.
quote:
So my question is, do you think that if God does want us to be together, that the phone call I described up there could have been just an attack from the enemy?
None of us on this forum could say. But I'd look carefully; it looks suspiciously like an angry guy with weak morals. If a guy treats a woman badly when she is able to walk out on him, he'll probably treat her worse when she is married and can't walk out on him.
You guys have been together a long time, and I'm guessing you've given your heart away. That bonds you together, and could keep you from seeing a fault that ordinarily would make you think, "Ha! I'm not falling for a guy who does that!" Please try to step back and look for patterns of behavior. Confess any known sin, pray for wisdom, and expect God to help you.
I'm praying for you today, too. God bless you!
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Is this God's will or am I just an idiot? - 9/13/2008 8:05:14 PM
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MC4JC
Posts: 201
Joined: 7/6/2008
From: Minnesota
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If he's hurting you now and saying "he's sorry" and then doing it again and again, I would NOT plan on marrying him. I suspect he may become a verbal/emotional abuser to you if you get married.
You cannot "fix" a person. If you cannot accept his actions, then don't think you can change him. (I was in an abusive marriage - it doesn't get better).
I know you've spent 3 yrs with him. But I would seriously put the brakes on this relationship and tell him that you think you need some time alone and that you do not want to continue the relationship. You'll find out if he's good or bad from the reaction. I'm willing to bet he will do a lot of pleading at first, then get angry and maybe a little violent - but you will find out the truth of his actions.
Abusers have to control and many will do what it takes to keep you; but they won't change their spots. They do an excellent job of manipulation and mind control.
When you really love a person, you don't continue to hurt them and then say "I'm sorry" - true repentance is not doing it anymore.
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RE: Is this God's will or am I just an idiot? - 9/13/2008 9:17:38 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6025
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Rach
I read your other thread http://forums.ibelieve.com/m_3779919/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#3779919
It doesn't sound to me like being with him is doing a whole lot for your relationship with God.
You say he is a Christian now - would you say that you are "equally yoked"? Equally committed to God, equally on fire for Him, equally determined to do His Will and live a holy life by the power of His Spirit?
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Is this God's will or am I just an idiot? - 9/14/2008 2:30:56 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3142
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From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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quote:
Is this God's will or am I just an idiot?
I don't want to be rude, but you asked... and after all you have said about this guy, I have to go with #2.
Regarding your statement that God told you to have faith in your boyfriend...I don't believe God would ever tell you to have faith in anyone but HIM.
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Is this God's will or am I just an idiot? - 9/14/2008 5:32:22 PM
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rachsquelch
Posts: 35
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Thanks for your replies everyone I truly have taken them all to heart. :) I worry now that I've made my bf look like an evil thug or something reading back on what I wrote. I focused more on the bad points and only had about 2 lines of good, which is nothing like reality. If it was I honestly wouldn't be with him. He is an amazing person who supports, protects, loves me and completes me and I'm so blessed to have found him. :)
I got so emotional yesterday basically asking if you think the bad points are worth breaking up over or just a test to overcome, but now I feel so silly! He has done some bad things but so have I. What I'm gonna do is first and foremost wipe this certain sin out of my life and his life. Then I'm gonna ask God what His will is for us. My bf is away at the moment and gets back at the weekend so I have some time to pray for help to keep this sin out of my mind AND out of his mind (please will you guys pray for this too?). Yuck I'm so ashamed. But I won't have to be anymore because I will not let this one sin destroy God's plan for my/our life.
Sorry I do ramble on a bit don't I. :)
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RE: Is this God's will or am I just an idiot? - 9/14/2008 5:36:34 PM
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rachsquelch
Posts: 35
Joined: 8/9/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
You say he is a Christian now - would you say that you are "equally yoked"? Equally committed to God, equally on fire for Him, equally determined to do His Will and live a holy life by the power of His Spirit?
I thought that equally yoked meant just a Christian+another Christian.:( I guess we're not in that sense, but he has a lot of stuff in his family line that could easily be holding him back. I won't go into details but I think he needs a lot of prayer, because I can tell straight off the enemy is hindering him in so many ways.
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RE: Is this God's will or am I just an idiot? - 9/14/2008 6:41:24 PM
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Sadey
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I don't think you are at the place to listen to anyone telling you what you don't want to hear. Such as holding your boyfriend responsible for his words and actions and not making excuses for him.
He is abusive and dear, abusers are among the most charming human being in the universe. Its part of the abuse and keeps you off kilter and doubting yourself and your perceptions. Please Please take an honest look at him and if you have a sister would you want her boyfriend to treat her this way? Or if your dad treated your mom this way would it be okay?
If the answer is no, then its not alright for you to be treated this way.
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RE: Is this God's will or am I just an idiot? - 9/14/2008 7:37:04 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6025
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rachsquelch
quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
You say he is a Christian now - would you say that you are "equally yoked"? Equally committed to God, equally on fire for Him, equally determined to do His Will and live a holy life by the power of His Spirit?
I thought that equally yoked meant just a Christian+another Christian.:( I guess we're not in that sense, but he has a lot of stuff in his family line that could easily be holding him back. I won't go into details but I think he needs a lot of prayer, because I can tell straight off the enemy is hindering him in so many ways.
No, IMO it doesn't just mean Christian+Christian. It means so united in commitment, love for God, and purpose, that you would be always pulling in the same direction, putting Christ first in everything.
He is an adult and responsible for himself. Family stuff is just an excuse - which I fear you are making for him. If he has issues, then he should be in counselling, getting over those issues, not dragging you down (which it sounds like he could be).
Does he take the spiritual lead in your relationship? Is he what you'd call a man of God?
Please be very careful. Don't settle for anything else other than God's best for you.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Is this God's will or am I just an idiot? - 9/15/2008 2:35:35 PM
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rachsquelch
Posts: 35
Joined: 8/9/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sadey
I don't think you are at the place to listen to anyone telling you what you don't want to hear. Such as holding your boyfriend responsible for his words and actions and not making excuses for him.
He is abusive and dear, abusers are among the most charming human being in the universe. Its part of the abuse and keeps you off kilter and doubting yourself and your perceptions. Please Please take an honest look at him and if you have a sister would you want her boyfriend to treat her this way? Or if your dad treated your mom this way would it be okay?
If the answer is no, then its not alright for you to be treated this way.
Yeh maybe I do make too many excuses for him. But I still regret making him sound like an abusive evil guy. Reading about the bad parts, and when you don't see him every day in real life, makes him look awful, but he's really really not. I couldn't ask for a better partner. :) I've decided that instead of overanalysing his past mistakes, I'll forgive him once and for all like they never even happened. I'm only gonna do this though because the last 2ish years they have been very few and far between.
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RE: Is this God's will or am I just an idiot? - 9/15/2008 2:40:21 PM
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rachsquelch
Posts: 35
Joined: 8/9/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
No, IMO it doesn't just mean Christian+Christian. It means so united in commitment, love for God, and purpose, that you would be always pulling in the same direction, putting Christ first in everything.
He is an adult and responsible for himself. Family stuff is just an excuse - which I fear you are making for him. If he has issues, then he should be in counselling, getting over those issues, not dragging you down (which it sounds like he could be).
Does he take the spiritual lead in your relationship? Is he what you'd call a man of God?
Please be very careful. Don't settle for anything else other than God's best for you.
He doesn't take spiritul leadership, he's very naive when it comes to spiritual things because he has only been saved about a year. I know though that he does believe, he just needs time to grow and mature and learn stuff. I'm sure in a few years time he will have done just that and then he can take spiritual leadership and we will be equally yoked. :)
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RE: Is this God's will or am I just an idiot? - 9/15/2008 4:41:08 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2846
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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Rach,
I believe that you started this thread because Red Flags are flying in front of your face. You opened your eyes long enough to see them and write your post. Now, you've managed to close your eyes again or convince yourself that what you saw really weren't Red Flags.
quote:
Now here's the other side. About 2 years ago while I was feeling particularly down about some hurt he had caused me, I believe God spoke to me and said something along the lines of "keep your faith in him, I have chosen him for you". I wasn't praying aloud about it or anything so only God could have known what I was thinking. Now, that night we talked on the phone he didn't seem or even sound himself, it was like he had no emotions and he even told me afterwards that all he wanted to do was hurt me. So my question is, do you think that if God does want us to be together, that the phone call I described up there could have been just an attack from the enemy?
The phone call could have been an attack of the enemy. The "voice" speaking to you to keep faith in your boyfriend could also be an attack of the enemy to keep you in an unhealthy relationship.
The bible has very clear guidelines for choosing a spouse. First, they must be a believer in Jesus Christ. Second, read through Proverbs, if he meets any of the qualifications of a fool, drunkard or violent person then he doesn't meet the guidelines. Read any scriptures that include words equivalent to "have nothing to do with them". Read the guidelines regarding the qualifications for church leaders--those are very helpful for choosing a lifelong spiritual leader for your home and marriage. None of the biblical guidelines include believing that God spoke to you especially when such "speaking" is contrary to the guidelines the bible does give.
quote:
Yeh maybe I do make too many excuses for him. But I still regret making him sound like an abusive evil guy. Reading about the bad parts, and when you don't see him every day in real life, makes him look awful, but he's really really not. I couldn't ask for a better partner. :) I've decided that instead of overanalysing his past mistakes, I'll forgive him once and for all like they never even happened. I'm only gonna do this though because the last 2ish years they have been very few and far between.
If a man beats his wife bloody one day a year but is "an amazing person who supports, protects, loves" the other 364 days of the year does that mean he's not abusive?
< Message edited by laura... -- 9/15/2008 4:51:10 PM >
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Is this God's will or am I just an idiot? - 9/15/2008 4:48:03 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1788
Joined: 5/23/2006
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quote:
Yeh maybe I do make too many excuses for him. But I still regret making him sound like an abusive evil guy. Reading about the bad parts, and when you don't see him every day in real life, makes him look awful, but he's really really not. I couldn't ask for a better partner. :) I've decided that instead of overanalysing his past mistakes, I'll forgive him once and for all like they never even happened. I'm only gonna do this though because the last 2ish years they have been very few and far between.
that is a classic example of typical victim response. Making excuses for the abuser, explaining away the abuse....I'd suggest you RUN as far and as fast as you can from this guy while you still can...lots of people choose not to run and end up carried away in a body bag making excuses all the way up to their final moments.
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RE: Is this God's will or am I just an idiot? - 9/15/2008 6:24:09 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6025
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rachsquelch
he's very naive when it comes to spiritual things because he has only been saved about a year. I know though that he does believe, he just needs time to grow and mature and learn stuff.
I am not sure why you necessarily see that as an excuse/reason. Often, when people become Christians the quickest period of growth is in the first few months, when they're overwhelmed with Christ's goodness and get wowed by it all. That's how it was with me and virtually all the young people at the church where I got saved (80% of us came from non-Christian homes too)
quote:
I'm sure in a few years time he will have done just that and then he can take spiritual leadership and we will be equally yoked. :)
So how about taking a break from each other, and seeing what happens? If his commitment to Christ is real, it will stand firm, and not be dependent on him being with you.
rach, this from one of your other posts throws up the biggest red flag ever, if indeed you are talking about your fiance here (apologies if I am mistaken):
quote:
When a certain person is around, I put him before God, and that's why it's so easy for me to do this sin all the time. But when I'm by myself like I am right now, I feel worthless, dirty and like I don't even deserve to pray to or even think about God. I want to repent and turn from my sin completely, but it's almost impossible for me to turn from this certain sin because of the complicated circumstances.
If this is your fiance you are talking about, then he is clearly not good for you, for your walk with God.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Is this God's will or am I just an idiot? - 9/17/2008 1:47:42 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 779
Joined: 11/28/2005
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Since you're posting it means something about him
is troubling you.
Don't make any commitments with a man that says
he just wants to hurt you and then he changes his tune and the he flip-flops.
The Bible says an unstable man is unstable in all his ways.
Encourage him to get into counseling and work out his
own issues.
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RE: Is this God's will or am I just an idiot? - 9/17/2008 3:40:01 PM
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raivyne
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Listen to Laura and deermousie! praying for you :)
_____________________________
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Good – God = 0
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