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Introducing a gentleman to another friend.... - 8/19/2008 2:38:41 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5124
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
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I have a question for the gentleman.
I admit there are times men really stump me. This is one situation.
A few weeks ago, while I was doing my devotionals on the outdoor patio of a cafe, a gentleman sat down at a nearby table.
He was reading the paper I think......hmmmmmmm I can't remember but I don't think it matters.
It started to sprinkle, and since my table was under an umbrella he asked if he could join me.
He seemed unsure if he would be bothering me or not, mentioning he had noticed me at the cafe a few other times but I always seem so intent on my reading and writing, he wasn't sure I wanted company.
I smiled and assured him it was fine if he sat down.
I put down what I was doing and we talked until the storm blew which was about the same time the cafe closed so we said goodbye.
Before he left he asked for my email address.
I gave it to him.
He emailed me. At first I was not sure who the email was from since I had forgotten about meeting and then in the busyness of life I didn't respond right away.....( but that didn't mean I was not interested just that I was busy)
I wrote back......things seemed to be going well.
This past week I spent quite a bit of time with my girlfriend who is going through a really hard time. Her mother, who was her best friend and bird watching partner passed away. Since bird watching is a huge passion for this gentleman, and not so much for me, I thought partnering them up for bird watching was a perfect solution (that way I don't get dragged to all these bird watching events by both of them)
I really thought it would be wonderful if they hit it off and could bird together... I wrote him all about my friend , sharing how much they have in common and suggested we all three do something together so they could meet.
He has not responded back.
I am wondering if maybe suggesting the three of us get together might have been a mistake.
What would you guys think if a woman suggested you meet her friend because of similar passions?
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
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RE: Introducing a gentleman to another friend.... - 8/19/2008 2:45:09 PM
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APZR
Posts: 907
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: GA
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I probably wouldn't respond either. He saw you, and was interested in YOU. Saying to a guy... Hey, my friend is a bird watcher and I'd love to set up a blind tri-date... means you are not interested in him and it's time to move on.
_____________________________
Ya can't keep trouble from visitin, but you don't have to offer it a chair.
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RE: Introducing a gentleman to another friend.... - 8/19/2008 2:55:23 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4192
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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no telling with email ... maybe he's away on vacation or business ... i have thought for a few weeks now that he might like YOU!
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RE: Introducing a gentleman to another friend.... - 8/19/2008 3:09:49 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5124
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From: Indiana
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But I never said I was not interested in him..........I don't know him well enough to know if I am interested in him or not..........
Should I email him and ask if he thought I was implying I was not interested in him and if so let him know that was not the case.
I really don't get why wanting him to meet my friend would say to him I am not interested in him.
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: Introducing a gentleman to another friend.... - 8/19/2008 3:12:00 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5124
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
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quote:
i have thought for a few weeks now that he might like YOU! well why didn't you tell me LOL........actually I think he might like me as well that is what is making his response so confusing.
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: Introducing a gentleman to another friend.... - 8/19/2008 3:41:39 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4192
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
well why didn't you tell me LOL........actually I think he might like me as well that is what is making his response so confusing.
i think i did but i thought you said you really weren't into him. if i liked a girl and she said, would you like to meet my friend _________ i'd think it was a set up. depends on wording. if it was like i'm going birdwatching with my friend would you want to come too, it might not seem like a setup. if you want to explore relationship with him, and why not, there is still way you to redirect your query. do you want to explore a relationship with him for yourself or your friend?
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Photoblogging My Life
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RE: Introducing a gentleman to another friend.... - 8/19/2008 4:37:02 PM
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1mlasp
Posts: 210
Joined: 12/9/2005
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If I were him and got such a response, this is what I would be hearing:
"You are a great guy, but I am not really into you. Let me introduce you to my friend who I think you have more in common with..."
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RE: Introducing a gentleman to another friend.... - 8/19/2008 6:10:17 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8009
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
I really thought it would be wonderful if they hit it off and could bird together... I wrote him all about my friend , sharing how much they have in common and suggested we all three do something together so they could meet.
He has not responded back.
I am wondering if maybe suggesting the three of us get together might have been a mistake.
If you are interested in him it was a big mistake (speaking for myself here). It means "I'm not interested but I have a friend who may be"
quote:
What would you guys think if a woman suggested you meet her friend because of similar passions?
If I'm interested in the woman it's her rejecting me.
If I'm not interested then it depends what her friend looks like and is like (does she meet my list?)
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Introducing a gentleman to another friend.... - 8/19/2008 6:13:27 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8009
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
But I never said I was not interested in him..........
Sure you did. When you offered to fix him up with your friend. If he was interested in you it always comes across as "I don't want you but she might" (why else would a woman who was interested in a guy fix him up with someone else?)
quote:
Should I email him and ask if he thought I was implying I was not interested in him and if so let him know that was not the case.
I don't know. It may be a good thing, or it may be not. depends on the guy.
quote:
I really don't get why wanting him to meet my friend would say to him I am not interested in him.
Because it says you don't want him.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Introducing a gentleman to another friend.... - 8/20/2008 5:40:22 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5124
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
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quote:
"You are a great guy, but I am not really into you. Let me introduce you to my friend who I think you have more in common with..." I just don't understand this line of thinking...........
quote:
It means "I'm not interested but I have a friend who may be" No it means I listened to your interest, have a friend who has the same interest and I think it would be great if you two met............It shows that I was interested enough to listen to what interest him even though it is not an interest of mine and that I am interested enough to want to connect him with others with like interest...........it seems to me by introducing him to another birder I am showing that I am interested a little.
quote:
why else would a woman who was interested in a guy fix him up with someone else?)
Because not every relationship revolves around finding a mate..........I was not fixing them up I was connecting two people with like interest together.........
quote:
Because it says you don't want him. How?
If I did not find him interesting I surely would not pass him on to my poor girlfriend for her to deal with............
Is that what guys do? Do you pass on women, who you do not see as good enough for you, to your friends?
I would never do that........and it is hard to believe most men would...........and if they would not then why would they then think a woman would?
It just makes no sense to me........
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: Introducing a gentleman to another friend.... - 8/20/2008 7:39:43 PM
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MWD
Posts: 163
Joined: 8/23/2006
From: New Hampshire
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I go with John on this one. I'll call the guy you met "Alan" and I'll call you "Joy" and I'll call your friend "Elaine." What Alan thought was, "Joy's fixing me up with someone named Elaine who likes bird watching. In doing so, what she's really doing is telling me Elaine has more in common with me than she herself does, and therefore that there's really no future with her (Joy) beyond a casual friendship, and since at the present time I'm really interested in finding a girlfriend, I'll take the hint and see what's up with this woman Elaine."
Alan's communications with you are seen through a "dating filter." By default, anything you do or say will be processed by the dating filter. By default, nothing you say or do will do an end-run around the dating filter. You introduce another woman to him, and he will see that through the dating filter. On your side of the filter, bringing Elaine to him says, "Hey -- you guys would have fun watching birds." It is what you are trying to communcate. On his side of the filter, he hears, "I know you are looking for a girlfriend and you wouldn't mind if it were me. But here is one that'll fit you better than I could." It is not what you have tried to communicate, but it is what he has heard because of the dating filter that separates you.
What was needed at the time were some very strong and unmistakable hints that you were still highly interested in him, and that Elaine was not being supplied as a replacement for you.
There is another dynamic to this. You describe him as a gentlemen. Well, gentlemen try not to be boorish, and they make every effort to discern the true meanings of the hints women give them. Some men have their "hint receivers" tuned to maximum sensitivity. You can't sue us, 'cause all we're trying to do is be polite and not cause you any discomfort.
A third dynamic: the method you used to get two people to bird-watch together and have fun is precisely the method frequently used when one person isn't interested in going any further with another person of the opposite sex but knows someone who might be. That's just reality.
_____________________________
"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist."
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RE: Introducing a gentleman to another friend.... - 8/21/2008 11:26:12 AM
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APZR
Posts: 907
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: GA
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I agree with John O and MWD... that's the guys point of view and what your actions mean/say to us. MWD explained it very well, good job there!
_____________________________
Ya can't keep trouble from visitin, but you don't have to offer it a chair.
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