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I need some good advice. - 8/7/2008 11:26:31 PM
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helper916
Posts: 9
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Hi, latley I have been struggling on forgiveness with my father. I come from an abusive backgorund. I have forgiven my mother even though she has told me that she wants nothing to do with me or my daughter. I still forgive her though it may hurt, Iam not bitter towards her. My dad on the other hand, Iam having some issues. Well when we were growing up he would always attempt to make sure we were fed and occasionally makes sure we had clothes to wear. My father is a wonderful provider but a horrible father because I feel like I have no emotional ites to him whatsoever. My dad always wanted a boy. So they kept on tring until they had one. They had my brother but they got a divorce right before my other brother was born.THe older brother has been favored no matter what he has done. I have been the kid that has always tried to do the right thing and stay out of trouble. I would consider my self pretty successfull. I have been married for 5 years and have a year and a half year old and a very nice twonhome. I know these are just materials but I have tried my hardest at the same time to stay connected in the church becasue I feel like its the right thing to do. My dad is a very wealthy man, he owns many apartments. During this whole time, I have never asked him for a dime for help. I feel he worked hard for his money he should keep it; yet he made the down payment on of my sister's house, paid for anothers wedding( when he didn't want to pay for mine so we went to the justice of the peace),almost sure he paid for one of my other's too. Its like me making all the right choices in life doesn't matter. because my brother is living in one of his aprtments and only getting charged $400 for a 3 bedroom aprtment. I mean seriously, it is not fair, that kid is going out barhopping every other weeked wasting his money and yet my dad decides to be totally oblivious to the whole concept. Its not fair. I feel like sometimes why did god put me in this family to not be wanted by any of them. I just feel alone. I try to call and send emails to my sisters to give them updates on my daughter but to no avail. I really need some good advice because I seriously don't know why God put me in this family.
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RE: I need some good advice. - 8/7/2008 11:39:16 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: online
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Families fail.
Fathers sin.
What is happening is not fair.
It is wrong to treat children this way.
But God didn't do it.
The people you mentioned all chose for themselves to be the way they are. The God of the universe doesn't just jump into people's heads and make them stop being cruel. That's not His way and it's not His job.
All the people in your family could have come to know the love of God, and everything would have turned out differently. Really, that might still happen.
God put you in your family because he created you to be unique, to grow to love Him, to show his love to the world... perhaps even to them. He put you in that family because some families go badly and some people have to suffer through it, and if it's got to be somebody, he knew you well enough to know you could take it.
Persecution is nothing new.
You are not a slave, a refugee or an abortion victim.
You are not a prisoner of war, a gladiator or a homeless person choosing between starvation and prostitution.
You are a grown and secure woman.
Some people you happen to be related to are not very nice to you.
Your God loves you.
You will be OK.
True forgiveness is the best possible way to say, "They are wrong, but I am not, and I am not going to be held in chains by their sins against me."
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RE: I need some good advice. - 8/8/2008 12:00:19 AM
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helper916
Posts: 9
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Its hard because I just feel so lost at times.
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RE: I need some good advice. - 8/8/2008 12:10:04 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1899
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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Pbaribeault is right on.
My family is almost identical to yours: Dad was abusive and hated all of us, mom never "noticed," brother got Dad's ire and all mom's attention and lots of gifts (I finally figured it out she was trying to buy his love. Didn't work, and it ruined him), and I was the kicked "good girl" waiting in vain for someone to notice.
I have the first good marriage in generations, am the first professional in generations, have the only kid who wasn't abused but was loved and nurtured. But in my family's eyes, I am the family failure. Go figure. Sin blinds people. They were never going to say, "You've done well." I doubt yours will, either.
I finally had to realize, I was the only white sheep in a family of black sheep. You probably are, too. Deaf, blind people bumping into walls and never seeing you for the quality person you are. Pray for them, but it will take a miracle from God to change them, and sometimes He says no. We'll find out some day why (and clap our hands in joy and shout, "God, that was genius! Thank You!"). But He might say yes.
Being the "good girl" protected me and kept me from doing stupid, harmful things before I knew the Lord as an adult. Dad died in his sin, Mom died in hers, brother is a violent sociopath, but I have a good life. So do you. Rejoice that God saved you from sin and from being like the rest of your family. Your kids will know love and nurture, and all (except your family probably) will rejoice and praise God for it. That's a pretty big deal!
(My mother could never bring herself to say I was a good mom. It would have meant she was wrong about who I was, and she couldn't face that. So sad. But it was her choice. At least my kid doesn't have to face that. Thanks be to God for His love and grace!).
The "why" of your being in this particular family doesn't have a direct answer. You'll find out later, or more likely, in heaven. But look at the man born blind: he didn't sin or his parents sin to cause this to happen. Jesus said it was so the glory of God might be manifested (shown to the world). Somehow the faith you have and the grace you give others in the face of the persecution you get from your family will glorify God. Rest in that until God gives you a more detailed answer, and rejoice. He loves you, has saved you, and will make your family background turn in to something wonderful for you. Because He is making you like Jesus!
You feel lost because spiritually in this house, you don't fit in. Romans 1 talks about how wicked people encourage each other... and you're not wicked. You are lost to them, but they are lost to God. You aren't. You will find family in the fellowship of believers, and in the home you and your husband have made.
< Message edited by deermousie -- 8/8/2008 12:19:28 AM >
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RE: I need some good advice. - 8/9/2008 2:00:23 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 779
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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Some Christians find themselves in families that
aren't loving toward them --- we are to be a Light in the Darkness.
Persecution, unfair treatment and estranged from family... we may know them all...
we should feel worthy to suffer like Christ suffered for the unlovely.
You are not alone - Christ is with you and many brothers and sisters
are praying for those who are persecuted.
*We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. {2 Corinthians 4:8-10}
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RE: I need some good advice. - 8/9/2008 8:22:08 AM
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agapetos
Posts: 5393
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: This side of the lil duck pond!
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My mother always wanted to have sons. She got a couple of daughters.
My parents are divorced too. My mother plays my sister and I off against each other (or tries, I tend to ignore it now) and I'll never be successful enough for my mother now because I don't have children. My father gives far more to my sister than to me.
It took a long time (and some therapy) for me to get to a point where I didn't care what they did any more. Yes, sometimes it still hurts, but I'm happy with my life and my friends and it is them I consider family.
_____________________________
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
My blog
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RE: I need some good advice. - 8/10/2008 9:48:27 PM
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helper916
Posts: 9
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When I read your reply, I was so touched. It trul hit home. I felt as though GOd was holding me as I was reading it, because I just sobbing. It just really hit home. It has been a combination of things that has been helping throug this process. Its hard to love someone that has wronged you and you want justice to be done so badly to have them see it and for yourself to say to them" see what you did how dare you" but I need to work on the battle is not mine but the Lord's I can't change them. I beginning torealize that. Only God can change them and if does or not I need to be at peace with that. Like I said this is not easy. But each day brings a little bit more hope.Again I want to say thank you.
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