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I feel like I have an ulcer over this marriage... - 8/31/2008 2:54:27 AM
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Godsgirrl
Posts: 43
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Hi, I've posted here in the past. I've been through a lot. I married a non believer and then he became a believer. I married him with what I'd call "blinders" on. He's a good man, but he's always been a drinker and smoker which I really can't stand. We've been married for 10 years and I feel like his moods are dependant on alcohol and smoking. He is so up and down at times I think that he could be bi-polar, but he won't ever get help.
I had an affair six months ago and I couldn't figure out why I would fall so easily for someone who persued me. I guess that its obvious. A man near my business started to pay attention to me and come see me nearly every day. I asked my husband to go to counseling and he said "no." I stayed away from the guy for a couple of months and then I gave in very easily. When I finally broke it off with him, I realized how manipulative it was. He turned out to be a sex addict and I swear that he chose me out of the room and "groomed" me for months. I had to contact his church (he was LDS) and he was kicked out for what we did. I was distraught and thought my husband was leaving, that he would now really go over the deep end with ignoring me and partying, but we stayed together and things have seemed to gotten way better.
We saw a Christian psychologist twice, and then I started going alone. I needed someone to talk to like I had 31 years of frustration pent up. My son was having problems and he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (high functioning autism), and a couple of months later I was diagnosed with the same. I have since learned that women with AS are very succeptable to "predators", manipulators, abusers. Many women have been date raped (I was once in this "affair"), attacked, mentally abused. The man that stalked me and kept after me for four months admitted to being a sex addict and having the same problems at his old job. I brought the entire story to my commercial landlords at the resort that I lease space, and where he is the hotel director, and even though everything happened on company time and in company rooms, they ignored it. Because of this, I am selling my business so that I don't do business with such a company that will ignore the illicit details that I emailed them.
I'm starting to really understand why I am so exhausted and only feel like a friend or "mother" to my husband. He was drinking all day at the fall fest celebration (in between us working) and as usual he dropped me off and then went back to the pub and came home at 10PM drunk. I feel like when I try to talk to him about something important he cuts me off. We also think that my 6 year old daughter has asperger's yet he tells me not to "label" her, but he doesn't understand how difficult my life has been, and the bad mistakes that I have made. I try everyday to reassure him that I never meant to hurt him, but he hardly ever talks to me. I need to make all of the big decisions, which means me starting a business and working long hours, along with him, because I know that it will keep him happy. I want a business too, but all of the work, constantly helping customers (which is hard with AS...very draining), book-keeping, stress of finances and carying the load on my shoulders is proving too much for me. At times I feel like I need to break down. We go to church every sunday since I got baptised (first time as an adult) and I feel God active in my life, and the holy spirit. He believes it and talks about it alot, but he won't give up to God. He won't get baptized when the chance comes up because its "not necessary". He doesn't want to be told what to do. He knows that the taste and smell of smoke is too much for me to handle (I am highly sensitive due to my autism), but he won't try to quit because he hasn't "decided to try and probably never will". I don't even nag him. Instead, he just won't kiss me ever, because then he knows I will nag about the taste or smell.
I have made all of the decisions, handled all of the finances, kept everything going because if he is in a job that he doesn't like (mainly working for anyone else), all that he will do is complain. I can't put up with his whining. He had the perfect ski resort management job, and he gave it up because of the stress. All he did was "party" with his old buddies. My psychologist calls him a perpetual adolescent. I have enough to deal with regarding my and my childrens AS, that I feel like I have an ulcer and am going to have another break down. To make matters worse, I am still in the same vicinity as the man that I had the "affair" with. I hope someone can offer me some good insight. I have never been alone. I suffer from great anxiety and many issues from my AS.
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RE: I feel like I have an ulcer over this marriage... - 8/31/2008 3:20:49 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1622
Joined: 5/27/2006
Status: offline
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((((((skigirl))))))
I know that the Lord loves you and everything about you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. God delights over you with joy. He gave everything to win your heart. Rest in His love, beloved sister.
I am so sad to hear that the man you love will not grow up. That sounds so painful. I don't have any advice for how to deal with that, other than cast your cares upon the Lord for He really does care for you!
All women, Aspie or not, want to be loved and cherished. Single women who think that if they could only be married, all would be well, have not considered the pain of living with a man who does not continue to love and cherish you after the vows are spoken. 
I have good friends who share your predicament. They are sometimes sad and down, but often full of joy and peace. It is because they focus on the Lord, and on the great love He has for them.
For them the words of the song hold true:
Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace
Even though you are Aspie, you are precious. Take care of yourself, dear. Spend alone time with God every day. I pray He will send you help with your business, and I will pray for your marriage.
You may feel alone in your situation, but you are not alone. The Lord is a very present help in time of trouble. And you have many sisters who can empathize and support you. I will also pray that you find some IRL to laugh with and encourage you on life's journey.
Blessings to you, SS
PS Have you read the book Pretending to be Normal ? It is the autobiography of a woman who also had a child with Aspberger's,and in the process of understanding her child's needs, she comes to a better understanding of herself and what works for her. Turns out she was also Aspie.  Your story sounds similar, so you might find it helpful.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: I feel like I have an ulcer over this marriage... - 9/7/2008 1:32:57 PM
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Godsgirrl
Posts: 43
Status: offline
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Thanks Shadow,
As we work through things we see more and more that the biggest problem is that we haven't removed ourselves out of the place that such bad things happened. We are on vacation now and getting along great. I see that my husband is feeling horrible where we are and I am only filled with anxiety and stress. As we remove ourselves from there and closer to God's will, we start to see things as they should be. Now we hope that we can move on without financial ruin...by selling our business.
Thanks again
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RE: I feel like I have an ulcer over this marriage... - 9/8/2008 7:28:40 PM
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lastblast
Posts: 1603
Joined: 9/20/2005
Status: offline
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Skigirl,
I'm praying for you and your family. I pray the Lord would give you great wisdom concerning your business. I think moving away and getting a clean start may be just what you need. Sometimes when we have fallen...........or are tempted to, it is best to remove or distance yourself from the person who is the focus of the temptation.
I also have a high functioning autistic daughter and as you said, I know how vulnerable you are (being taken advantage of and such). I am fearful of that in regards to my daughter, so I am very much thankful to you for reinforcing my feelings of the need to protect her as long as I can.......... Blessings to you and your family.
Cindy
_____________________________
Blessings as you seek Him, Cindy
What does the bible say on Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage?
www.marriagedivorce.com
www.cadz.net/faq.html
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