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Husband anger issues - 8/20/2008 6:44:31 AM
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coconut_princess
Posts: 82
Joined: 12/31/2006
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My husband has only been a Christian for about 2 years. He is extremely angry with my exhusband and he resents him and hates him. My exhusband is not a Christian and because we have children together, we often have to talk to each other to discuss issues regarding our kids. Just talking to my ex on the phone angers my husband, even if it's for a justifiable reason. I use to also hold much resentment to my ex, but I have since found it much easier to "love my enemy" and since I changed my attitude and the way I speak to him, my ex has also changed his way of speaking to me. Now that we are on good terms and can speak nicely to each other, my husband seems even more angry.
He loses control. He thinks up all kinds of ways that he could harm my ex and then tells me about it. He swears at me and turns very cold towards me. His anger towards my ex is taken out on me constantly. If I just answer the phone and it's my ex, my husband starts to get angry. He tells me to not accept phone calls from my ex when he is there or to talk in a different room, so when I go to another room, he follows me. Not only that, he is yelling things at my ex while I'm on the phone and my ex hears this which just stirs up the arguing when all I want is a peaceful parenting relationship with my ex.
My husband is very jealous and is very upset that another man has been with me. It disgusts him that another man has touched me. I try to understand his feelings, but I just don't understand.
I try to tell him that we are suppose to love others and be kind as Jesus would be, but he just keeps saying he is not Jesus and he would rather kill himself than be kind to my ex. He calls him every curse word imaginable.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want him to understand that my ex is going to be in my life for many years because of our kids. I want him to understand that my ex isn't a Christian and he is not going to act like he should because he isn't a Christian. I want him to understand that my ex has to call me sometimes about our children, even if he thinks it's a stupid reason.
I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. I am terrified when the phone rings because it might be my ex.
My husband's anger is ruining my feelings towards him. It makes me so sad and depressed. He doesn't even care about how his actions make me feel. He doesn't care that he is cursing in front of me and flaring up around me to the point of wanting to harm my ex. He thinks I take my ex's side. If my ex called for a good reason and I say that to my husband, he says I'm defending him, but I'm not, he really did call for a good reason, but to my ex, he should have no reason to call, but that is impossible when we have kids together.
My husband wants to have a child with me, but now I'm not so sure. I can't feel like this and be stressed the way I am and be pregnant or have an infant at the same time. I would probably lose the baby due to all the stress my husband puts on me.
Are there any wives out there dealing with anything like this? And can you give me an godly advice on what I should do?
_____________________________
 1 John 2:4
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RE: Husband anger issues - 8/20/2008 7:24:38 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 2521
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
My husband is very jealous and is very upset that another man has been with me. It disgusts him that another man has touched me.
Ummm...he shouldn't have married a previously married woman then, should he? What silliness. 
I think your husband needs some help--professional counseling. Is he like this about other things? Or does he just make your ex a 24/7 excuse for turmoil?
I also think you might call your local police station and ask their advice about someone who is making verbal threats of physical harm to a third party. It might help your husband come back down to earth to cool his heels down at the station and have a little chat with the nice police officer.  However, that will only work if he's an otherwise reasonable man who's just gone off the road in this one area.
Whatever the case, now is the time to be strong. IME with several people with similar behavior, "walking on eggshells" feeds the nastiness in some weird way. "Strong" doesn't mean returning his ugliness in kind, or fighing with him, or becoming a pinch-faced always-right bitter angry woman, either. Strong means speaking the truth in love and taking action when it needs to be taken. In this case it means you need to take this problem outside your marriage to someone who can either get through to your husband and help him or tell you that he's not safe to live with. Strong also means that if he so much as lays a finger on any of you (or even busts a door in or punches a hole in the wall), the next person you talk to is a 911 operator, and you press charges against him.
Either he has a screw loose and needs psychiatric help or he's consciously gearing up for something very, very unpleasant.
_____________________________
 Moo
Shameless Self Promotion~Christmas giveaway this week!
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RE: Husband anger issues - 8/20/2008 8:01:12 AM
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car2ner
Posts: 2936
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: just north of Florida
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I agree with 3capp... another authoritative male needs to talk to your husband. I also wonder if he only gets this angry in this one area. Is he over reacting to protecting his wife? I find that a quick temper doesn't fix itself over time.
bottom line, this will take outside help.
_____________________________
http://www.car2ner.2ya.com
"May your days be long and your hardships few".
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RE: Husband anger issues - 8/20/2008 11:09:08 AM
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flowerz
Posts: 347
Joined: 1/6/2006
From: Canada
Status: offline
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I agree with what the others have said, but in the mean time, would it be possible for your ex to only call when your husband is not home? He obviously knows how your husband feels about him from what he has overheard, so maybe he would be willing to help you out in this way.
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RE: Husband anger issues - 8/20/2008 1:39:56 PM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10977
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
Status: offline
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I'd say it's a matter of trust. Bottom line is he doesn't trust you.
You say quote:
I want him to understand that my ex isn't a Christian and he is not going to act like he should because he isn't a Christian. He needs to understand himself what it is to act like a Christian. After two years being saved, he should have some idea.
I agree, he needs some counsel from a Christian man, and I'd suggest the two of you also get into couples counseling together.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Husband anger issues - 8/20/2008 7:26:09 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 531
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline
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Your ex won't be in your life for years due to your children, he will be in your life till you or he dies.
I do think you are so wise not to have a child with this man but not for the reasons you listed. Your husband is not fit to be a father or a stepfather. What in the world is this doing to your children. They hear all this and how must they feel?
Your ex knows it irritates hubby so of course he calls while hes home.
Unless there is a drastic change I don't think your marriage will last because he sounds like he is headed to violence and my guess is that it will be directed at you because it will be easier to hurt you or your kids than him.
Also there is the danger of your ex getting custody of your kids because of your husband's behavior.
I hope you will find someone to talk to and to help you through this. I do agree that if he continues to threaten your ex you contact the police.
I know that people think it can never happen to them or their family but it does happen.
I'm so sorry for you auguish and pain and hope things get better for you.
I
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RE: Husband anger issues - 8/20/2008 11:26:39 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 620
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
quote:
My husband is very jealous and is very upset that another man has been with me. It disgusts him that another man has touched me.
Ummm...he shouldn't have married a previously married woman then, should he? What silliness.
I think your husband needs some help--professional counseling. Is he like this about other things? Or does he just make your ex a 24/7 excuse for turmoil?
I also think you might call your local police station and ask their advice about someone who is making verbal threats of physical harm to a third party. It might help your husband come back down to earth to cool his heels down at the station and have a little chat with the nice police officer. However, that will only work if he's an otherwise reasonable man who's just gone off the road in this one area.
Whatever the case, now is the time to be strong. IME with several people with similar behavior, "walking on eggshells" feeds the nastiness in some weird way. "Strong" doesn't mean returning his ugliness in kind, or fighing with him, or becoming a pinch-faced always-right bitter angry woman, either. Strong means speaking the truth in love and taking action when it needs to be taken. In this case it means you need to take this problem outside your marriage to someone who can either get through to your husband and help him or tell you that he's not safe to live with. Strong also means that if he so much as lays a finger on any of you (or even busts a door in or punches a hole in the wall), the next person you talk to is a 911 operator, and you press charges against him.
Either he has a screw loose and needs psychiatric help or he's consciously gearing up for something very, very unpleasant.
I completely agree. Great advice from 3Capps.
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RE: Husband anger issues - 8/21/2008 8:54:01 AM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10977
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
Status: offline
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Princess, you'll have to ask him, maybe in the presence of someone else, why he doesn't trust you with the phone calls from the ex. My wife had an affair, and even after it was over and she returned home it took a while for me to have that trust with her that it wasn't going to happen again. With your husband now he is suffering some sort of insecurity about your relationship with him because of the fact that you had a relationship with another men who fathered these children. He perhaps has created mental images of you and the ex in his mind, images of the two of you being intimate.
How long have you two been married?
quote:
Can anyone offer advice respecting the committment of marriage? Well, like I said, my wife (and we just celebrated 31 years of marriage last night) had an affair recently. This wasn't even the first one. Marriage was not something I went into lightly even though I was unsaved at the time, it was a commitment, a life long bond I knew. The first affair she had was the one where I found out how weak I was in my own power. Mercy and His wisdom came to me one night after I fell to my knees in anguish. The changes He caused in me made me a more attractive man to my wife and our marriage was healed. Over the years now I had somewhat forgotten what it was He taught me then, and that combined with the diagnosis of bipolar in her, which was not being treated, caused her to leave me again. And again, ONLY through His leading and direction is our marriage whole again.
I tell you about my experience only to point out that marriage is many times going to be a battle. Satan doesn't want them - especially Christian ones - to succeed. To win these battles we need the One who went to the cross and already defeated the devil on our side. You say your husband is still basically a baby Christian, saved two years. I don't know how or how much he leans on the Lord. I do feel he needs to hear some Godly wisdom from mature men of God. Even I after 15 years still need to hear from others stronger in the Lord than I.
Encourage him, do your best to calm him of his fears about these phone calls, and call on the pastors and elders in your church body to help you both. Most of all communicate with him.
I know you asked for advice from women and I am not one, but I truly felt led to share with you - to encourage you. I pray for Christ to bless your marriage more than you could imagine.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Husband anger issues - 8/22/2008 10:59:21 AM
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coconut_princess
Posts: 82
Joined: 12/31/2006
Status: offline
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Hi Ben,
Yes, he does have mental images of me with my ex and it hurts him that I have been intimate with another person. He said that the images of anyone other then himself being intimate with me upsets him alot.
We will be married for 1 year on December 15, but together for almost 2 years. When we met he was just a baby Christian.
He has talked with our pastor several times, but he doesn't seem to listen to my pastor. I know he knows what our pastor is saying is right and he knows he is in the wrong for acting out the way he does, but he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. It's like if he lets it go and tries to forgive my ex and not resent him, he has let my ex "win" in some way. That he will look weak and that my ex will look stronger than him. He doesn't realize that it takes more strength to love and forgive an enemy than it does to hate them. It's easy to hate those who hurt you, it's much much harder to love them.
Thank you for your advice and your encouragement. Thank you for sharing with me.
quote:
ORIGINAL: stamper_ben
Princess, you'll have to ask him, maybe in the presence of someone else, why he doesn't trust you with the phone calls from the ex. My wife had an affair, and even after it was over and she returned home it took a while for me to have that trust with her that it wasn't going to happen again. With your husband now he is suffering some sort of insecurity about your relationship with him because of the fact that you had a relationship with another men who fathered these children. He perhaps has created mental images of you and the ex in his mind, images of the two of you being intimate.
How long have you two been married?
quote:
Can anyone offer advice respecting the committment of marriage? Well, like I said, my wife (and we just celebrated 31 years of marriage last night) had an affair recently. This wasn't even the first one. Marriage was not something I went into lightly even though I was unsaved at the time, it was a commitment, a life long bond I knew. The first affair she had was the one where I found out how weak I was in my own power. Mercy and His wisdom came to me one night after I fell to my knees in anguish. The changes He caused in me made me a more attractive man to my wife and our marriage was healed. Over the years now I had somewhat forgotten what it was He taught me then, and that combined with the diagnosis of bipolar in her, which was not being treated, caused her to leave me again. And again, ONLY through His leading and direction is our marriage whole again.
I tell you about my experience only to point out that marriage is many times going to be a battle. Satan doesn't want them - especially Christian ones - to succeed. To win these battles we need the One who went to the cross and already defeated the devil on our side. You say your husband is still basically a baby Christian, saved two years. I don't know how or how much he leans on the Lord. I do feel he needs to hear some Godly wisdom from mature men of God. Even I after 15 years still need to hear from others stronger in the Lord than I.
Encourage him, do your best to calm him of his fears about these phone calls, and call on the pastors and elders in your church body to help you both. Most of all communicate with him.
I know you asked for advice from women and I am not one, but I truly felt led to share with you - to encourage you. I pray for Christ to bless your marriage more than you could imagine.
_____________________________
1 John 2:4
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RE: Husband anger issues - 8/22/2008 11:27:26 AM
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NoShow
Posts: 460
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline
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Does your husband recognize that he has anger issues? Similar to someone that drinks or uses drugs, he needs to first admit that he has a problem. Then he needs to want to change.
Sounds like some type of "recovery" program would be useful to him. But he's going to need to come to that on his own. He probably just gets defensive if others point it out. A better approach might be positive reinforcement, pointing out when he doesn't act in anger in situations that could trigger anger.
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RE: Husband anger issues - 8/22/2008 1:02:32 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1788
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
My ex and I no longer have to speak once our children are adults, so he will not be in my life once they are adults.
If your adult child dies, has a wedding, a special celebration, or something of that nature then in all prob. your ex is going to be in your life again. Not to mention all 3 of you all may end up in heaven..so you better figure out a way to get along down here.
Has your current husband had a medical exam? He sounds radically sick to me. I think you have much reason to worry if a guy is looking up ways to cause harm to another guy and you need to get the authorities involved. It's like playing with tnt. Your husband needs help desperately imo.
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RE: Husband anger issues - 8/22/2008 6:11:14 PM
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hnt
Posts: 530
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
I try to tell him that we are suppose to love others and be kind as Jesus would be, but he just keeps saying he is not Jesus and he would rather kill himself than be kind to my ex. He calls him every curse word imaginable.
Coconut:
His words are an excuse for his bad behavior. No one can be Jesus for goodness sakes!
Sounds like you need more than just your pastor coming along side of him stating the reality. He knew what he was getting into in alot of realms, and I'm sorry that he has some resentment towards this man but he has to find a way of dealing with it. This isn't on YOU - it on HIM! You can talk to him until you are blue in the face, but it sounds like he needs someone that maybe he respects in his life (a man) to come along side of him and knock some sense into him.
The reality is if he doesn't find some help and makes some changes resentment, etc is going to build in his marriage. You have to ask him if that is his goal?! I'm sure alot of us have things in the past that we aren't all that red hot crazy about in our spouses lifes, but allowing hate and contempt to build is against every principal he claims to hold dear.
He is acting like a child, and he needs to grow up. He needs help it seems like, and maybe you aren't the one that can help him at this point. He may need a head start with someone else, and you can come along side later.
Find someone that can help you with boundaries. For example when his mouth runneth over - warn him you are leaving for a while unless he stops. He continues - leave! You can't solve anything with someone that is being irrational, and then feels entitled to do so with NO compassion towards anyone else!
This isn't a communication issue so much - its pure selfishness! I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Its not far and its cruel! Reach out and find some help! Keep talking until someone HELPS!
My prayers are with you both!
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Husband anger issues - 8/23/2008 7:28:11 PM
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coconut_princess
Posts: 82
Joined: 12/31/2006
Status: offline
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Thank you for your encouragement. We have spoken to my pastor (whom my husband has much respect for) but even my pastor has suggested outside help other than himself. My husband is so private and just finally opens up to our pastor. He only is open about his feelings to me and my pastor so as much as I want him to have outside help (and have suggested before, pastor suggested also) he won't get any help. Until this problem is resolved, whenever that may be, I just need to know what I am to do when he is angry. I have been remaining calm and loving and just letting him vent until he stops and then says he's sorry. I use to say things to him to reason with him, but when he's angry, I can't talk any logic into him.
quote:
ORIGINAL: hnt
quote:
I try to tell him that we are suppose to love others and be kind as Jesus would be, but he just keeps saying he is not Jesus and he would rather kill himself than be kind to my ex. He calls him every curse word imaginable.
Coconut:
His words are an excuse for his bad behavior. No one can be Jesus for goodness sakes!
Sounds like you need more than just your pastor coming along side of him stating the reality. He knew what he was getting into in alot of realms, and I'm sorry that he has some resentment towards this man but he has to find a way of dealing with it. This isn't on YOU - it on HIM! You can talk to him until you are blue in the face, but it sounds like he needs someone that maybe he respects in his life (a man) to come along side of him and knock some sense into him.
The reality is if he doesn't find some help and makes some changes resentment, etc is going to build in his marriage. You have to ask him if that is his goal?! I'm sure alot of us have things in the past that we aren't all that red hot crazy about in our spouses lifes, but allowing hate and contempt to build is against every principal he claims to hold dear.
He is acting like a child, and he needs to grow up. He needs help it seems like, and maybe you aren't the one that can help him at this point. He may need a head start with someone else, and you can come along side later.
Find someone that can help you with boundaries. For example when his mouth runneth over - warn him you are leaving for a while unless he stops. He continues - leave! You can't solve anything with someone that is being irrational, and then feels entitled to do so with NO compassion towards anyone else!
This isn't a communication issue so much - its pure selfishness! I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Its not far and its cruel! Reach out and find some help! Keep talking until someone HELPS!
My prayers are with you both!
_____________________________
1 John 2:4
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RE: Husband anger issues - 8/25/2008 6:59:53 PM
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daddygod2
Posts: 1
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline
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I read your post and the advice you have been given..I recently married and now I am recently separated...not by my choice but by my husbands...he has anger issues and other issues as well........I can tell you that what helped me the time we were together is a book called the power of a praying wife...you will have no problem finding it at your local christian book store...it is awesome it teaches you how to pray for your husband when you want to choke him..!!!! the lady who wrote it must have really had a bad time with her hubby for a few yrs when they first married....if you pray one or two of those prayers for your husband everyday you will see a difference in him and your marriage.......I still pray them and I know that the Lord will heal my marriage...blessings toyou and I will be praying for you...........you are welcome anytime to email me........
pj
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