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Husband and I want different lifestyles - 7/17/2008 1:28:47 PM
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JJB1222
Posts: 182
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: the Wal-mart parking lot - RVin' it!
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He likes being a business owner, his own boss, in charge of making decisions. He's been doing it for 15+ years. He also wants to conquer the business world and be the next Donald Trump.
I hate being a business owner. I hate all the responsibility for taxes, employees, bills. I hate never having a steady income or not knowing when the next paycheck will come.
He likes being able to travel on a whim and for as long as he wants. I like things planned out.
He likes to incorporate work into home life. He will sit at the kitchen table working away, while his kids climb merrily all over him. I like to leave work at the office and have evenings and weekends for other things; house projects, seeing other family/friends, activities with the kids like gymnastics or piano.
There is no balance. It is always business comes first, therefore never having time or money for anything else. Half the time we have to borrow money just to "keep the doors open." I'm realize that in business a certain amount of debt is expected to make the company grow, but we have to use those funds just to stay afloat.
When we first got married I thought I could adapt to his career choice. But after 6 1/2 years of financial struggle, bad business decisions, and no stability in our lives, I don't know how much more I can take.
I try to look at the positive: I'm able to be a SAH mom, but I also feel so helpless. The kids and I are totally reliant on him and we are constantly struggling to pay bills. He continues to add to his plate with the hopes of having multiple sources of income (we have ownership in 4 separate companies - 2 of them are solely owned).
I just feel like I am at the end of my rope. I also feel like I am not living up to my potential as a wife. He says he needs me to be a cheerleader and be supportive of him, but I find it hard to say anything supportive when I don't feel confident in his decisions. I pray that God will change my thinking. I know a lot of it has to do with how much faith I have in God's ability to make things better.
I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining. I just wish there was more to life than business, business, business!
If you have any advice I would love to hear it. I realize a lot of it has to do with my attitude. This has been a very big challenge for me. I know I cannot ask my husband to change. I just have to adapt.
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RE: Husband and I want different lifestyles - 7/17/2008 3:03:57 PM
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jdurham
Posts: 12
Joined: 7/7/2008
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Sounds like a number of issues here. I will say that I do no agree with your last comment. He can and must change. One of the biggest things for a man to overcome in his life is dealing with his ego and sense of "being my own man". You need to let him know, in no uncertain terms, how you feel. Pull no punches, lay it on the line. Sounds like what you really want from him is security.
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RE: Husband and I want different lifestyles - 7/17/2008 3:26:23 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 465
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
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This is a tough one and I'm not even sure what to say along the lines of advice. A lot of men feel they have to provide their family with the American Dream in order to be successful, not realizing that their wives and children value their presence more than anything else. Perhaps you should see if you could negotiate a time frame on closing the business doors if it doesn't become profitable in a certain amount of time. There's nothing wrong with ambition but the Bible does warn us against selfish ambition and neglecting our families. Sounds like your hubby may have crossed the line on this one and it's high time you two sit down and have a serious talk about his priorities. To a certain extent, you are going to have to be patient out of fairness since you did not walk into this situation blindly.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: Husband and I want different lifestyles - 7/17/2008 3:32:14 PM
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truthrevealed
Posts: 130
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I think, once you have discussed with dh how you feel about this situation and he still doesn't budge, that is has EVERYTHING to do with your trust in God in this situation. Pray that God would change the heart of the one NOT in agreement with Him.
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RE: Husband and I want different lifestyles - 7/17/2008 4:37:21 PM
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tfkeel
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Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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quote:
I'm able to be a SAH mom, but I also feel so helpless. The kids and I are totally reliant on him and we are constantly struggling to pay bills.
Well, there is a solution. You can go back to work. You and your kids can be reliant upon YOU. You will stop feeling helpless when you can do something to change your situation. You could work part-time, if that is sufficient to satisfy the need and keep yourselves from using debt to make ends meet. You would sure not be the only wife who has to work.
Your desires and ambitions to be a SAHM are not more important than his to be a businessman. You two are EQUALS in your marriage.
And, I agree that it is untrue that you cannot ask your husband to change. It is unfair, however, to make him the ONLY ONE who has to change. You should try some compromise solutions, rather than unilateral demands that he quit his business.
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RE: Husband and I want different lifestyles - 7/17/2008 6:30:58 PM
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YZGUY
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I agree that it is important that you be supportive of him. It is very imp. that he knows that you believe in him and that he will do his best to support the family. Perhaps letting him know that you want to do this and will do this, but that it is very difficult to do when he is not supporting your requests to be emotionally "there" for the family. To him, it seems, being a husband & father is financially supporting the family. You obviously know that there is a more...but I'm not sure if he does. That might be a good question to ask him.
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RE: Husband and I want different lifestyles - 7/17/2008 7:03:50 PM
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bride48
Posts: 5086
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From: Near Boston
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quote:
ORIGINAL: YZGUY
I agree that it is important that you be supportive of him. It is very imp. that he knows that you believe in him and that he will do his best to support the family. Perhaps letting him know that you want to do this and will do this, but that it is very difficult to do when he is not supporting your requests to be emotionally "there" for the family. To him, it seems, being a husband & father is financially supporting the family. You obviously know that there is a more...but I'm not sure if he does. That might be a good question to ask him.
My husband has helped me understand that God created men to be providers. Yes, you feel insecure right now, but maybe expressing that insecurity is causing him to feel like less of a man. He probably feels disrespected.
After sharing your feelings, remember that God made him the spiritual leader of that family.
I''m late for supper. I'll post more tomorrow, hopefully with more sensitivity.
_____________________________
Joyfully,
DebbieLynne
Anniversary blog entry
<--In honor of Above All and Dawgfan's wedding
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RE: Husband and I want different lifestyles - 7/17/2008 10:53:15 PM
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jaimestarcross
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I think some ground rules need to be laid out for these businesses - such as no business/work when it's family time(quality time to spend with the children and time for you and him to be a couple. Not too mention his personal time for God!)
*Donald Trump's quest for more wealth and power has lead to: 3 marriages/2 divorces, a near financial disaster(thankfully his billionaire dad came to the rescue) affairs, and five children born into this "Dynasty"( soap opera drama.)
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RE: Husband and I want different lifestyles - 7/18/2008 7:12:30 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
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OP--your husband sounds like mine, personality-wise. My dh wants to always "do something useful"  with his time, and the idea of family time the way most people see it is just foreign to him. And part of that drive in him does tempt him to take on more than seems reasonable--something in him seems to need to be constantly working, struggling, problem-solving, fixing, etc. He's driven, I'm laid back. He'd like to live in Manhattan  , I'd prefer an isolated, backwoods homestead.
We had to have some talks at one point, because I was *really* struggling to support him and he was *really* not understanding why. Have you had a heart-to-heart with your husband about this yet? That would be the first step--not sitting him down to tell him all the things that are wrong with him  but explaining to him that you need some sense of security and stability, and maybe that you need him to take care of the debts and problems in the business as part of his responsibility.
I do think you can both adjust and compromise enough so that you don't feel like you're drowning and he doesn't feel like he's shackled and held down.
Is there any part of the work the whole family could be involved in together? Or could you maybe ask him about eating meals together (sans laptop) since his schedule is more flexible? Or take the kids to visit him and bring him goodies at his office once in a while?
_____________________________
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Shameless Self Promotion
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RE: Husband and I want different lifestyles - 7/18/2008 11:31:03 AM
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JJB1222
Posts: 182
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: the Wal-mart parking lot - RVin' it!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
OP--your husband sounds like mine, personality-wise. My dh wants to always "do something useful" with his time, and the idea of family time the way most people see it is just foreign to him. And part of that drive in him does tempt him to take on more than seems reasonable--something in him seems to need to be constantly working, struggling, problem-solving, fixing, etc. He's driven, I'm laid back. He'd like to live in Manhattan , I'd prefer an isolated, backwoods homestead.
That's funny. 
Yes, I'd say that's kind of like us. He's the city boy and I'm the country girl.
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RE: Husband and I want different lifestyles - 7/18/2008 1:54:08 PM
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bride48
Posts: 5086
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Near Boston
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Yes, you and your husband need to talk honestly about this. I talked to my husband about this thread yesterday, and he suggested that you ask your husband how you can support him better in his business. I know you hate helping with the bookkeeping. Okay...so is there another way you coul be involved. If you can work together, this situation could actually strengthen your marriage.
_____________________________
Joyfully,
DebbieLynne
Anniversary blog entry
<--In honor of Above All and Dawgfan's wedding
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RE: Husband and I want different lifestyles - 7/18/2008 4:30:14 PM
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JJB1222
Posts: 182
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: the Wal-mart parking lot - RVin' it!
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bride48
Yes, you and your husband need to talk honestly about this. I talked to my husband about this thread yesterday, and he suggested that you ask your husband how you can support him better in his business. I know you hate helping with the bookkeeping. Okay...so is there another way you coul be involved. If you can work together, this situation could actually strengthen your marriage.
I know we need to make progress through talking, but I have not been very good about expressing my feelings to him in the past. I always end up sounding unappreciative of his efforts for the family, as well as not supportive of the business. I also know that he would say I'm acting like a burden rather than a blessing. And that I just want to be a "simple little house wife". He firmly lives by the ideology that "if you aren't pushing (constantly challenging) yourself, then you are going backwards. I think he's blessed with an extreme amount of drive, but sometimes it turns into one of his faults.
So if I may ask you this...what do I say that lets him know I still love and appreciate him, even though I am not happy with our lifestyle or the direction it is heading?
And I should tell you that his immediate goal is to stabilize our financial situation by focusing on his main source of income. So, it's not like he isn't aware of the toll it is taking on us. He has talked about letting go of the other businesses because he knows he's too busy, but hasn't committed to actually doing anything about it. Part of me feels like I need to be patient with him during our current season of struggle.
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RE: Husband and I want different lifestyles - 7/18/2008 5:08:23 PM
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bride48
Posts: 5086
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Near Boston
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Your last sentence may be the key, actually. Poor guy! He's trying hard to provide, and maybe he feels unappreciated. Which makes him work harder. Does he feel appreciated? Could you ask him how you could most effectively show your appreciation?
_____________________________
Joyfully,
DebbieLynne
Anniversary blog entry
<--In honor of Above All and Dawgfan's wedding
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RE: Husband and I want different lifestyles - 7/21/2008 10:17:07 AM
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creationtalk
Posts: 587
Joined: 6/9/2005
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If your husband is working 4 jobs...then I can understand why he has so little time. What if you spoke to your husband about cutting back to the two most profitable businesses? Having fewer businesses might mean less income...but it would also mean less debt. I think that my concern with the businesses is that you are having to borrow money to keep the business afloat. A business that does not provide income...ie support itself (which includes a regular salary to the owner)... is IMHO not a business but a hobby...I just read your last post. It looks like your husband is really trying to do the right thing.
I don't see a problem with your husband bringing work home--would you prefer that he was not there? I used to work a job where I could work from home as well as in the office. So many days I took the computer home and would work while my son played, dinner cooked, etc. Now I work in a job where I cannot work from home. So I am constantly calling babysitters...can you keep him longer tonight? Can you watch him that day because I'm going to have to go back in. The work has to be done. I'd rather be working at home.
Perhaps instead of looking at the differences between you and your husband as "problems" perhaps you could look for ways to capitalize on them--make them strengths.
Since you have said that you have some interest in working, perhaps you could get a job...instead of putting it to your husband "since you cannot provide for us..." how about "It makes no sense for us to borrow money from the bank and pay the bank interest. Why don't I work, we can save the money, then in hard times borrow from ourselves and repay it with interest just as if it were a business loan?"
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I guess what I really need to do is keep praying that God will lead him to a place in the business world that provides a balance. He already knows that it is important for the family dynamic. I think he just gets off focus sometimes. I also need to continue my quest in being a supportive wife and that really means the Holy Spirit needs to strengthen me during times of struggle. 
(btw I also have a part time job which supports us). 
