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Friend in Trouble - 8/19/2008 12:06:41 AM
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rsh
Posts: 21
Joined: 6/21/2005
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I have a friend (we'll call her Tina) who just got back together with her b-friend (we'll call him Tom) after just a week or two. They had been dating for 9 months before Tina called it off b/c of what she said were "disturbing things about him" and that she "abandoned her friends while dating him" and even apologized for that. So I was shocked that they got back together.
Meanwhile, a mutual friend of ours (we'll call him Brian) also found out that they got back together and was appalled. He said he has met Tom and doesn't like him....saying that he is a "con man." I don't know Tom, but Brian told me that he has been very possessive and doesn't like that Tina has friends. I believe this because Tina hadn't emailed me in a 5 month period when they were dating. Brian also told me that it got to the point where he changed the locks on Tina's door just so that Tom couldn't break in and do any harm. There were also nights where Brian had Tina stay over at his house so that she would be safe.
Why in the world would she go back to him? I would normally vent and call this a case of a woman not knowing the difference between a good guy and a bad guy, but this time I'm really worried about Tina and I told her this. Ever since she has dated this guy, she has stopped coming to our Sunday school class and activities. I don't get why she would once again turn her back on her friends for a controlling guy like this. BTW, she's 37 and I'm 31. Brian I think is right in between us agewise. I don't know how old Tom is. Other than praying for her and her safety, I don't know what else to do.
If some of this sounds familiar, it should. I started a thread a few weeks back called "2nd chance?" where this dealt with instances where she had feelings for me and I wasn't ready......and where I was developing feelings for her right before she got back together with Tom. Those feelings of anything more than friendship are gone at least on my end, so they do not play a role in this current situation. This is a genuine concern of mine. Her safety means more to me than anything else.
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RE: Friend in Trouble - 8/20/2008 12:37:57 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1854
Joined: 9/26/2007
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She is an adult and so is Tom, so I'm afraid there's nothing you can do about all this. Pray that God will protect her (remember that life is a spiritual battle anyway) and get on with your life. Sorry.
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RE: Friend in Trouble - 8/27/2008 1:06:47 AM
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ebony101
Posts: 892
Joined: 4/1/2007
From: the big blue marble
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As deermousie said, it seems that the only thing you can do is pray. The only thing I can do is offer a reason for her behaviour, I'm no expert but this is what I think, based on the explanation that you have given.
She's an adult so you can't force her to stop seeing him. I think that the reason she has gone back to him is fear of being alone. At the age of 36 - 38 most people believe that if they don't settle down now then they won't ever settle down (i.e. get married). I know quite a few singles who got married at that age, because they wanted to have kids and it was now or never, so whoever was around at that time that was it. So maybe this is the reason Tina returned to Tom. Especially since you say that after the break up with Tom she turned to you, but you weren't ready for a relationship.
She most likely feels that Tom is her last hope, thus she is temporarily blinded to his faults & all the pain that he has caused her in the past.
_____________________________
'We're writing a gospel, a chapter each day,
By the things that we do & the words that we say.'
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RE: Friend in Trouble - 8/27/2008 5:32:50 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1023
Joined: 4/29/2005
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You might also consider that 'Brian' is expressing his own point of view, not just the facts. Just because Brian thinks various things about Tom doesn't make them true - Brian feels she is being abused and controlled, but he may not be correct.
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RE: Friend in Trouble - 8/27/2008 11:47:36 PM
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rsh
Posts: 21
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ebony101
Especially since you say that after the break up with Tom she turned to you, but you weren't ready for a relationship.
Actually, the thing about me not being ready for a relationship was long before she met Tom. I'm not disagreeing with your point. I'm just clearing up a fact or two.
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RE: Friend in Trouble - 8/27/2008 11:50:51 PM
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rsh
Posts: 21
Joined: 6/21/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
You might also consider that 'Brian' is expressing his own point of view, not just the facts. Just because Brian thinks various things about Tom doesn't make them true - Brian feels she is being abused and controlled, but he may not be correct.
I think the only way Brian is wrong about this is if he's lying to me about the stories he's told me. He's been more in-depth about those stories than I've been on here because of confidentiality. I don't think he's incorrect on this, but I do understand what you're saying.
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