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Do women really not know what they want? - 7/11/2008 7:20:31 PM
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willfs
Posts: 204
Joined: 12/28/2007
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I had a friend, who is a female in her late twenties, tell me that women do not know what they want in a guy. Is this true?
You have certain things that will not change. Maybe you want a guy with a certain level of spiritual maturity and/or financial stability and you may have a few other things that you won't budge on. But you don't know what you want beyond that. In fact, you aren't always sure about those die hard things stated above. I only ask because I wonder how much info I could get when I ask certain question on this site like, "So do women like a guy with..... or a guy who..... or a guy who doesn't....?
I have seen women who stubbornly insisted they would never date a certain guy, only to change their mind later. Did they realize that what they thought they didn't want was actually the thing they wanted?
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RE: Do women really not know what they want? - 7/11/2008 8:48:39 PM
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free-to-worship
Posts: 84
Joined: 6/29/2008
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Yeah, we all have our absolutes we won't budge on, but I think if a man has met our initial requirements, everything is else is a matter of learning a person, becoming familiar with them, and making an informed decision as to whether you are willing to accept the other things about them, good or bad. I think this is true of men and women.
quote:
ORIGINAL: willfs
You have certain things that will not change. Maybe you want a guy with a certain level of spiritual maturity and/or financial stability and you may have a few other things that you won't budge on. But you don't know what you want beyond that. In fact, you aren't always sure about those die hard things stated above.
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RE: Do women really not know what they want? - 7/12/2008 10:04:04 PM
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spade
Posts: 37
Joined: 12/8/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: willfs
I had a friend, who is a female in her late twenties, tell me that women do not know what they want in a guy. Is this true?
You have certain things that will not change. Maybe you want a guy with a certain level of spiritual maturity and/or financial stability and you may have a few other things that you won't budge on. But you don't know what you want beyond that. In fact, you aren't always sure about those die hard things stated above.
I have absolutes I won't compromise on (spiritual maturity, etc), and there are things I really want, things that would be nice, and things I don't want. Certainly, I don't have a list of 100 traits the man must possess, so I don't know what I want in every detail. I don't think that would be healthy, because everyone has to compromise.
quote:
I only ask because I wonder how much info I could get when I ask certain question on this site like, "So do women like a guy with..... or a guy who..... or a guy who doesn't....?
This is just my opinion, but... your questions of "do women like...", "do women want... "do women do this..." miss the mark a bit. You hear absolutes from friends or, in the case of 'courtesy laughter', movies, and you wonder if they are true, so you ask here. If they are absolutes, they aren't true.
It seems to me like you're trying way too hard to figure all women out. That's not possible, not because women in particular are an enigma, but because people aren't the same.
All you can find out by posting those questions here is whether the respondents like a guy with... or a guy who... or a guy who doesn't... The absolutes you're seeking just don't exist.
quote:
I have seen women who stubbornly insisted they would never date a certain guy, only to change their mind later. Did they realize that what they thought they didn't want was actually the thing they wanted?
People change, and it's not just the woman. Case in point would be my friend who, three years ago, I couldn't imagine dating. People would suggest that we would make a good couple, and I thought they were crazy. He was arrogant and inflexible and seemed to care about little more than status and worldly success. Our life plans weren't compatible, either, and while I enjoyed debating with a smart friend, we argued about politics and society so much that it was clear we couldn't date, let alone marry.
These days, our relationship is different. Whether my judgment of his was wrong, he has changed, or some of both... he's one of the humblest people I know, demonstrating it through continual service to our church and his quickness to apologize for the slightest offense. He's more spontaneous and goofy than I ever could have imagine three years ago, making me feel like the rigid one these days. My understanding of what God has called me to has changed, and he left his lucrative career in banking to teach at a Christian university next door to the ministry I now work for. We still love a good debate, but our views have changed some, and there really is no one who I would rather talk about theological matters and the Bible with.
I don't know that we'll ever date, but the same guy I stubbornly insisted I would never date has set the standard of who I will date in the things that really matter to me - character, intellect, etc.
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RE: Do women really not know what they want? - 7/13/2008 12:09:23 AM
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rgod
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Joined: 4/25/2005
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quote:
tell me that women do not know what they want in a guy
I don't think that knowing what you want in a spouse is a related to gender. I think that knowing what you want (or not knowing what you want) is more closely related to experience, personality type, how well you know yourself, and what God has told you concerning your future mate - if anything.
I'm a woman and thought I knew exactly what I wanted. But after having had a little bit of experience, and realizing that there were lots of areas of myself that I was discovering - my picture is changing. And my focus is different. So instead of finding a spouse being a major focus, I'm more focused on serving God and learning more about what he wants from me. I've done this before - most of my Christian walk was me being focused on the Lord. The difference is that now, while I focus on the Lord, I also do what I need to do to prepare for marriage and to be open, receptive, and attractive - but God comes first. If God sent a husband sooner rather than later - I'd go with God's timing - but I think waiting is good for me because I'm developing a better picture of the type of man I need.
On the other hand - one of my girlfriends knows EXACTLY what she wants, including spiritual level of maturity, family background, etc. She is a few years younger than me, but has had a lot of experience dating different guys and knows herself quite well. She is also a LOT less flexible than I am. And she has diligently sought the Lord about what she should be looking for in a mate.
On the flip side, we all hear stories of men who don't know if they want to marry the woman they are with, or if - after 3 years - they even love her. Or men who are indecisive when it comes to matters of the heart - because they aren't sure if there is a better woman out there. And then almost everyone knows some guy who saw a woman walking down the street or went out with a woman for 2 weeks and instantly knew "she was the one."
So I don't think "knowing what you want" correlates well with gender - but instead it is related to other personal attributes.
< Message edited by rgod -- 7/13/2008 12:21:11 AM >
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RE: Do women really not know what they want? - 7/13/2008 8:58:21 AM
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ebony101
Posts: 726
Joined: 4/1/2007
From: the big blue marble
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rgod
quote:
tell me that women do not know what they want in a guy
I don't think that knowing what you want in a spouse is a related to gender. I think that knowing what you want (or not knowing what you want) is more closely related to experience, personality type, how well you know yourself, and what God has told you concerning your future mate - if anything.
Yes, everyone has a list of criteria that they look for in a potential spouse. You know what you like, what you don't like, what you must have and what you can't stand. These characteristics form a general framework for what you look for in a potential mate. Your life experiences then help you to fill out that framework a bit more. Going out with certain guys; meeting guys in general at work, while shopping etc. help you to make changes in your list of criteria. We are human after all so our criteria is not cast in stone. These criteria help to form a basis of what will create an initial attraction between you and another person.
Actually dating a guy you begin to find out more about him as an individual and then the framework begins to fill in. In this guy you will find some qualities you hadn't believed would be quite so endearing that make him irresistable. You will realise certain criteria which you had initially thought to be important don't really matter that much & you can live without it. Other habits you don't mind because it's not intense or they may be nicely balanced by some other aspect of his personality.
It all depends on the life experiences you create with that person - things may or may not workout. Circumstances will determine the end result. There is no diehard, steadfast method or proceedure. We are all individuals, we are all different, therefore what may not work for me in a realtionship, may be exactly what another female finds attractive. Two things we can all agree on are:
1) his relationship with Christ  ; &
2) good hygiene 
_____________________________
'We're writing a gospel, a chapter each day,
By the things that we do & the words that we say.'
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RE: Do women really not know what they want? - 7/14/2008 6:01:25 PM
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willfs
Posts: 204
Joined: 12/28/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: spade
It seems to me like you're trying way too hard to figure all women out. That's not possible, not because women in particular are an enigma, but because people aren't the same.
All you can find out by posting those questions here is whether the respondents like a guy with... or a guy who... or a guy who doesn't... The absolutes you're seeking just don't exist.
You have got that one right. I probably just need to be the best I can be, not to get a girl but because of other motives like following and loving God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. And then trusting that he will bring a gal along that really appreciates me and vice versa.
The reason I asked was because I fear that the strengths I posess are not the types of things that attract women, or atleast a woman I am looking for. I wonder if I should focus on other strenghts. I wanted to ask on here if their are women out their willing to overlook such and such while really appreciating such and such. In any case, I really think that the type of person I am looking for, would appreciate more than anything else, a guy who is sincere in his faith.
As for the whole thing of there not being a difference between guys and girls when it comes to knowing what you want. I still don't know. I think there are way too many stories that I know of when the guy knew from the moment they met and too many times when the girls mind had to be changed. I don't mean that as a put down. I may be wrong on that point. I have been in too many relationships where the girl was the aggressor, asserter, persuer...etc... The relationship only lasted so long. But I think it would have worked out a lot better if it had been vice versa.
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. So in the above. My words are the ones in colour, the black print I tried to quote from rgod. 
