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Babysitting a Difficult Child. - 9/9/2008 5:05:35 PM
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Roberta_
Posts: 6918
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From: East Bay Area
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J-8 is my niece. She is eight years old.
She is very defiant. Her parents refer to this as independent.
She is very destructive. Her parents refer to this as expressing herself in a messy way.
She is constantly running in the house or jumping on the furniture. Her parents refer to this as energetic.
She has a potty mouth that is very loud. Her parents say that she is expressing herself.
She is physically violent. Her parents say that she is defending herself.
She hurts the pets. Her parents say that she just hasn't learned how to handle them gently yet.
She is in my care until about 6 pm. Quite frankly, I don't know what to do. No one else will babysit her. Even my own parents won't babysit her. My step-mom used to run a daycare and refuses to babysit J-8. Her grandparents on her father's side won't even talk to her on the phone because her language is so bad. She failed first grade the first time through. She almost failed it again, but the school advanced her to second grade because my sister insisted. She has no friends and is in trouble a lot in school.
She has been diagnosed with ADHD and a chronological delay. She also has a slight speech impairment.
Edited to ask: Any suggestions?
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RE: Babysitting a Difficult Child. - 9/9/2008 5:29:00 PM
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creationtalk
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Since she is not your child, you really cannot do anything to remedy the problems that you have listed unless you believe that she is being abuse or neglected in some way.
I suggest you tell her parents to find alternate care for her effective some date. And stick to it, even if it means that you are deliberately not home when she might show up there. Since her parents refuse to correct the behaviors that others find unacceptable, her parents are the ones who should have to deal with the consequences.
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RE: Babysitting a Difficult Child. - 9/9/2008 5:34:04 PM
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Jenny-Fair
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I agree. You have tried, I am sure, to implement some boundaries while she is in your care, but I suspect you are hampered by her parents' unwillingness to discipline her, and, if this is one of the kids you live with, you have a problem because it's her house and she thinks she's on her turf.
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RE: Babysitting a Difficult Child. - 9/9/2008 6:14:52 PM
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Roberta_
Posts: 6918
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From: East Bay Area
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Yes Jenny- my sister and I share this house, so she is one of the kids living here.
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RE: Babysitting a Difficult Child. - 9/9/2008 6:16:32 PM
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Roberta_
Posts: 6918
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From: East Bay Area
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She's not being abused. However, these behaviors send up so many red flags that I'm concerned about her future.
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RE: Babysitting a Difficult Child. - 9/9/2008 9:05:33 PM
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buckifn
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The best advice I can give you is urge the parent to make an appt. for the child to be seen by a professional who can assess the entire situation...the child sounds very much in needed of treatment..if necessary dial the number for the parent find out when the appt is and then take them there yourself.
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RE: Babysitting a Difficult Child. - 9/10/2008 1:58:51 AM
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Roberta_
Posts: 6918
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From: East Bay Area
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She has been to see a professional. That's how they got the diagnoses of ADHD and a chronological delay.
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RE: Babysitting a Difficult Child. - 9/10/2008 4:19:59 AM
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OneOfHisJewels
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From: California
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Maybe tell the parents if she is that difficult, they HAVE to pay you for watching her?
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RE: Babysitting a Difficult Child. - 9/10/2008 8:55:51 AM
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stateofgrace
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Is she on any medication or other treatment for ADHD? Is she and/or her parents in counseling?
Parents and caregivers of children with ADHD often have to find new ways to discipline and to help structure their time.
A conversation with your sister is important at this point, about working with your niece to get from "point A" (where she is) to "point B" (more age-appropriate - and less destructive behavior). Your sister may be defensive about her child's behavior, so I think it's important to avoid words that might be "hot buttons" - ie, desctuctive, violent, etc. However, you have every right to set up some healthy boundaries, and to expect your sister to work with you in getting your niece to respect them.
Books about parenting ADHD kids, and other books that deal with explosive and/or destructive children, like Ross Green's "The Explosive Child," may be helpful for both you and your sister.
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RE: Babysitting a Difficult Child. - 9/11/2008 2:26:19 AM
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Roberta_
Posts: 6918
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I do not get paid to watch her. Her parents refuse to medicate her.
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RE: Babysitting a Difficult Child. - 9/11/2008 2:29:27 AM
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OneOfHisJewels
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I know you don't get paid to watch her...but I was wondering if you could insist on that due to her difficult behavior...and then tell them you will stop charging when the behavior improves.
_____________________________
"We basically use what I have seen referred to as "get off your butt" parenting. It employs more interaction, more redirection, more prevention, and usually less spanking."
-Mrs. Wifey
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RE: Babysitting a Difficult Child. - 9/11/2008 11:47:10 AM
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reach
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I feel for you. This sounds like my ex's son that I watched for a few years. At times he was fine, but other times, he was so bad. It did not get better until he went on Meds. And then getting him on the right med, at the right amount was very hard.
It is so hard because it is not your child, so you don't have the authority to do anything, even though you are in the same house.
I pray that you can work it out and set up boundries that work for the whole house. Especially since you live together.
I did find that with my ex's boy, that a big part of his issue was he wanted attention from his Father and his real Mother (who was not in the picture) and acted out to get it, and I got the brunt of it.
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RE: Babysitting a Difficult Child. - 9/11/2008 10:10:28 PM
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pbaribeault
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It sounds like it's time for a hard line... with your sister.
Every time an unacceptable behaviour occurs, "Sis, your daughter did <whatever>. It will not be tolerated, so it needs to be worked on. What are you doing to prevent this? How can I help with your plan?"
Any answer other than a specific plan of action (such as an excuse or an argument) must be kindly turned aside as interesting but irrelevant. Simply insist again that she make a plan to start to diminish the behaviour, and perhaps that she might tell you tomorrow what she is doing and what she wants you to do, if she needs time to think through a plan.
Perhaps, however, you might start this only with the behaviours that are most a problem for you, because there are an awful lot to be trying to address all at once.
I don't know the whole story, but you probably also want to spend some time contemplating why you think it is right, important or obligatory that you play this role in your sister's life. (Not saying you shouldn't be doing it, but that you should know why you are doing it, what it is 'costing' you, and choose it freely if you want to -- not because you have to.)
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RE: Babysitting a Difficult Child. - 9/28/2008 2:13:37 AM
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Roberta_
Posts: 6918
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From: East Bay Area
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An incident occurred today that was witnessed by a neighbor. The neighbor lady was pretty much in shock over the outcome. Especially since the incident involved damage to her property. She then told me that this is their problem and they need to deal with it or not deal with it. She said that if they don't pay for the damages to the property, she will take them to court. (The damages involved a fishing boat that met with a magic marker and a pair of scissors.) J-8 has received no punishment for this behavior.
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RE: Babysitting a Difficult Child. - 9/28/2008 11:10:40 AM
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stellaluna
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I really think you're going to have to put your foot down and refuse to sit with her. I know there are a lot of you living under the same roof, and I don't recall why you said that was. But anyway, this situation doesn't sound like it's a great one to be living in--can you move?
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RE: Babysitting a Difficult Child. - 9/28/2008 3:53:53 PM
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MC4JC
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From: Minnesota
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I would talk to the parents about getting the child evaluated and proper treatment. Passing kids in grades when they don't deserve/earn it, is NOT helping the child at all.
Sounds like the parents are blind as to what the child really is like; and making excuses for her actions with no consequences.
However, if you are willing to babysit this child, you HAVE to have an understanding with the parents and the child of certain "rules" in your house and you will be enforcing those rules. This should be in writing too. If the parents don't want to agree to this, then you will have to tell them that you cannot babysit the child unless you have the control over things.
Its a bunch of bull about the pets issue. My son grew up with cats and he learned from the time he was crawling how to be nice to pets, love them, and not hurt them. I see a lot of red flags up the road for this child - and dangerous ones too. In case the parents don't know, many abusers and murderers grew up being cruel/inhumane to pets first!
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