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Any Scripture Support This? - 9/12/2008 11:32:10 PM
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Aisha
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I am wondering if there is any scripture concerning married people having friends of the opposite sex? My FH and I got got engaged and agreed not to have friends of the opposite sex 6 months ago. There were MANY reasons why I didnt trust a number of his female friends or him. We fussed about it for years before he really cut them off. I looked thru his phone last month and noticed he called some female that he went to college with to tell her happy birthday. She left a msg on his phone saying she was happy that he was thinking of her and that he got her birthday wrong. Ok cool...he got her birthday wrong but it bothered me with her saying she was happy he was thinking of her. Maybe I dont trust it because my father cheated on my mother numerous times with "just friends" even some whom my mother made her own friend. My FH has more female friends than male and I dont want to be married to a man with female friends. Of course he works with females but they arent calling him to see if he watch the lastest reality show and to find out what he did over the weekend. Most of his co workers are married. None of his female friends outside of work are married or have boyfriends. He expressed that him not talking to him was not solving the issue, he was only doing it to please me. In which, I think that will make him resent me. In pre-marital counseling tonight, we were informed that if we have any issues and we cannot solve them because we are at opposite ends about it then we need to look to the Bible and see if our feelings about it are aligned with scripture. I feel like scripture can tell me that I must trust and have faith that nothing will happen with them and that I am to submit to him OR it can support my feelings. Then it still wont be solved!!! Please HELP! Am I supposed to trust that his friendships now wont be like they were?
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Engaged to my bestfriend Sept. 5, 2008!
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/13/2008 8:02:35 AM
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Wild-Rose
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From: Upstate NY
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quote:
There were MANY reasons why I didnt trust a number of his female friends or him. For you to ask this question tells me that you do not trust him now either. My husband is a nurse so many of his friends are female. The difference is that he has never cheated and never given me a reason to not trust him. If your man has given you reason to not trust him, and he has not changed his ways, then I agree that you should not marry him. The scripture verse that comes to mind is the part about "forsaking all others".
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Wild-Rose Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/13/2008 2:01:48 PM
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Aisha
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He says that he feels as though I dont trust him. I dont run around wondering about his every move and who he is eating lunch with now-a-days because everyone has been cut off. Although he does work for IBM and is working around other women and have taken ppl to lunch before. I definitely dont question him now. I recently was upset because he planned a trip to NY to visit his mother and I wasnt invited. Some women that he had sex with is friends with his brother and I was upset because the woman is a friend of the family. Me not going was very uncomfortable and because of this he says that I dont trust him. I thought it was me just because cautious and not stupid about it. Now he says that his job will require him to travel with women from his job and I wont be able to go. Im sure with his degree in engineering, he can find a job that dont require a married man to travel with other woman or will be able to take his wife along with him. Not to work of course, but in the same hotel rooms. So this will be brought up in counseling on Friday. I thought the issue was solved but he said it wasnt solved he just went along with what I wanted and that he wants me to trust him around other women. Of course I have to trust him and I do but in certain situations Id feel comfortable if I were there. Its inevitable for him not to work or be around other women. Most of my clients are men but I never gave him a reason to not be able to trust me.
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Engaged to my bestfriend Sept. 5, 2008!
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/13/2008 2:05:04 PM
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makarizo
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quote:
agreed not to have friends of the opposite sex 6 months ago. was this an agreement, or was it just a request that you made? because if it is an agreement. he has broken his word. for me, jealousy is a deal breaker...... but a person is only as good as their word, and like Jesus said in Luke 16:10 if he can't make good on a tiny agreement, how can you expect him to make good on something bigger?
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/13/2008 2:23:44 PM
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truthrevealed
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The first scripture that came to mind isn't exactly applicable considering you're not married and that is how husbands are to love their wives as Christ does the church. Then I'd direct you to 1Corinthians13(especially the amplified version)for a detailed description of love in action.....for BOTH OF YOU. If one of you have a problem.....you BOTH have a problem, especially in a marriage relationship. If he's unwilling, at this point to abandon any "relationships" with other women, knowing that you don't approve then IMO that's not love in action. OTOH, if he's trustworthy, cares about your feelings, ****RESPECTS** and considers your feelings etc. but must work and be around other women than perhaps your "love in action" would look like not being jealous and touchy or offended. To me, there is nothing more precious, more inspiring and as profound as when a man *****REALLY**** loves a woman. If he's loving you(in every way that it means) then you will naturally respond, including but not limited to giving him the freedom to be who he is and being SECURE with that. But, if there is cause for concern pleeeeeaasse DO NOT get married until BOTH of you are more secure and trust God enough that you can then trust each other
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/13/2008 6:44:51 PM
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zarazara
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I hear all the time that whatever unresolved problems you and your partner encounter while courting will no doubt resurface in marriage. It seems to me that between the both of you, that you have trust issues and you kinda need to deal with that. Also like everyone says, he is not your husband yet so you don't have to submit to him yet but if you do want to marry him, then you need to seriously consider his stance and see if it is something you can live with or without.
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/13/2008 9:03:33 PM
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MC4JC
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DH's brother and his ex-wife had a ton of trust issues. After marriage she wanted control over who he saw, talked to, etc. regarding both sexes, but especially other females. He wanted to help out in a school with other Native American kids and she blew up cause he had kid's parents (mothers) phone numbers to contact for school related stuff. Needless to say this was one of the main reasons they divorced less then a year after the marriage. If you cannot trust your boyfriend and you are putting restrictions on him as to who he can talk to (regarding other females), then you should not marry him. Sounds like you need to get some help in dealing with your jealousy about other females. If you are both secure in your relationship, talking to others of the opposite sex should not cause jealousy. Are you restricting yourself from talking to other men?
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/13/2008 10:49:30 PM
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creationtalk
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quote:
I didnt trust a number of his female friends or him. To me this say it all. If you can't trust him completely, then DON'T marry him.
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/13/2008 11:14:43 PM
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Aisha
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I have not been having trust issues with him while he havent been talking to his friends. I didnt come into this relationship telling him to just cut people off. I have been disrespected by women who he claimed to be just his friend. Six months into this relationship, I noticed him always being over a female bestfriends house. He would call me while there and stay there until late and then go home and I expressed concern and he saw nothing wrong with it. He would go to lunch wit them, talk to them all hours of the night, talk to them about our issues...etc. I expressed concern and he never saw it my way. So I left the relationship and went my separate way. There were a lot of things I had to deal with and find out. ALL of these women knew everything about me, my strengths and weakness. I knew nothing about them but a name and that he went to college with them. He never told me any private business of theirs but their opinion of me often effected his. So because they have been an issue...or just him communicating with people he was sexua;;y active with in the past...I asked that it all be stopped because it made me feel uncomfy. There was no way I would be there friend. They arent christians and half of them depended on him as if he was their man. My fiance is a very nice person and is likable. So they would flock to him. He would go out to eat with different ones or even to a movie. When I tried to be friends with one...she ran to him telling him that I sent her msgs. All of this happened in the past. Im sorry...I cannot be in a relationship with him while he communicates with friends from college. There are not for us. He wants to be with me but he let other peoples opinion affect him. If I didnt have prior issues with them then fine. I know he works with women and I know they have to call from time to time about work related stuff but I dont want some woman calling him and they talk on the phone and watch tv together. Emotional things hurt me. If its selfish of me not wanting another woman to get close to my man in that way then fine. I know what pain I have endured from his friends and him not knowing when something is right or wrong. I went through a lot dealing with that. For the last sex months, I have been fine for the most part. Futhermore, I am in counseling to work on these issues. Hopefully, he will be able to see how I feel better. If i told all that we have been thru then maybe it would be understandable. I dont understand what a married man needs with single non christian friends just to chat or hang out with. That puzzles me but I guess I am supposed to just have faith that nothing will ever go wrong.
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Engaged to my bestfriend Sept. 5, 2008!
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/14/2008 6:53:29 AM
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Calea37
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom He is not your husband, you are not to submit to him. Dating/engagement is a time for *choosing* a mate. If there is something that doesn't work, or something that you can't live with, you're not supposed to just accept it and let it go on. If he doesn't care about your feelings enough to leave behind the girls, do you really, really want to marry that? He's supposed to be madly in love with you--if he won't give them up now, how do you think he will behave when you're marriage is going through a rocky time? Marriage is a life committment. Choose your husband wisely. Aisha, The above is some good advice. You seem like a nice girl who deserves a mate who will respect her and care about her feelings and put her above all other women!! This man doesn't seem very caring about that. You have to make the best choice for you but it seems like an awful lot of red flags are there. It sounds like he can't/won't understand how you feel but there is a definite danger in his hanging out with women all the time. When you have hard times in the marriage (which everyone does!) he will no doubt go running to these "friends" who will be more than happy to "comfort" him. They will seem so understanding to him and there will be trouble. I hope everything works out for you and that you find a godly man who will put you above all other women. That is how it should be. God bless you!
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Calea Isaiah 2:22 Stop regarding man, whose breath life is in his nostrils; for why should he be esteemed?
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/14/2008 7:17:08 PM
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truthrevealed
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Aisha, now that you've revealed more of your situation, it DEFINATELY looks as if your fiance needs to grow up. Are you seriously considering marriage anytime in the near future considering all of the facts that you have stated?
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/14/2008 8:42:28 PM
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Aisha
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From: Maryland
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We are engaged but he knows and I know that we will NOT get married until we finish counseling. I will follow what the pastor says. If he suggests that we shouldnt marry then I will definitely follow that. We have a major communication issue that we are dealing with. Our upbringings were a lot different and I am not sure if his views are what they are because of his cultural background. In his family, the husbands do have female friends. So I am guessing to him I am weird and have severe trust issues because in my family, we dont play that. I dont mind us having other friends who are married or engaged and do group dates and such. My issue with him is moreso his discernment with women. He "thinks" that women dont come onto men and that none of his friends are even slightly attracted to him. Yet, he feels like most men are attracted to me. What he is seeing as a lack of trust, I feel it is a lack of discernment on his part. We still have plenty of counseling sessions to go and its true, right now he has a lot of growing up to do as I do. I definitely need to see actions before saying "I do". He wouldnt make the first man who has said they wanted to marry me. I am not quick to run to the alter with him. We have yet to talk about these issues in counseling. We argue over futuristic things instead crossing that bridge when it arrives. I personally dont think we need to take any of our opposite sex friends into the marriage. I even keep a distance from my female friends because they are not in the same place in their lives. So I cant run around and do the things they are interested in. That would affect my relationship. I am moreso about family and what can better us. I talk to my female friends all the time but I choose what activities I will engage in with them. I would expect the same thing with him. Just to have better judgement about how to live life once you are laying a foundation for building a family. The mind has to change and grow up. Once his female friends finally find a man and want to settle down...they wont be worried about him as much either. One thing I can say is that we have been committed to each other and have been committed to working thru issues that arise. It may take awhile but we stick in there and try to get it right. So hopefully, he will take head to what advice we are given in counseling. If not, then I will have to leave. Christian counseling is our last step that we agreed on. If Jesus cant help us then no one else can. We built our relationship thru sin and it has been a VERY rocky road getting away from it and REALLY seeing who each other are. I am committed to finishing the counseling but at the end, the Pastor will either tell us we are free to marry, to wait awhile or not to do it at all.
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Engaged to my bestfriend Sept. 5, 2008!
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/14/2008 9:06:12 PM
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truthrevealed
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I totally get building a relationship with sin as a background...could write a book, but my husband is truly my God-given prayed SPECIFICALLY for mate. I can testify that God is most faithful in maintaining our union, and strengthening our REAL friendship so YES, Jesus is MOST essential in your future marriage.......MOST ESSENTIAL. But I have also lived with the consequences of building our relationship in sin and it's effects in our early marriage.......God restores but it's just wise to spend the time BEFOREHAND dealing with issues and it's good that you seem serious about that. And that in no way suggests that all things will neccesarily be ironed out before marriage but, assuming your fiance is indeed a christian, if you both are committed to AGREEING with God(His word), individually, and in your marriage you should be okay. Any disagreements that you have as a couple is not against the other person but means that someone(maybe both)are out of agreement with God.....that revelation has done wonders in my mariage .
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/14/2008 9:55:26 PM
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nevaehs_gaze
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I know it's difficult to accept your partner's friends of the opposite sex, but I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping them as long as you are ok with it. A marriage should be open and honest, and you should be able to trust your spouse with his/her friends. I don't believe it is wise at all to spend time alone with friends of the opposite sex, whether on the phone, online, or in person - but I see no harm in socializing with them with other friends or people. I'm sorry I don't have a Scripture reference for you. I have many male friends, way more than I have female, and I know it was very difficult at times for my husband while we were dating not to become jealous or feel worried about my friendships with them, but he decided to trust me and it worked out great for us. I still have my good male friends and my wonderful husband has made friends with them too, so we can all enjoy being together!
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/14/2008 10:06:39 PM
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Aisha
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I totally understand Ur post and we ARE committed to doing things Gods way but we argue about this friend/trust thing. I just feel at a certain point, trust goes out the window. I wouldnt trust my husband with a woman going out to eat and the movies or even spending alone time together and think its okay just because I trust him. NO WAY! Not everyone in this world cares about who is married and their commitment to God. I care about who he would be dealing with just as I would hope he would care about the men I would have to deal with. Id feel funny if he were okay with me being alone with men. Id want him to question my dealings with men and to be concerned. My Pastor informed us on that logic of being at opposite ends on an issue and searching the word to find scriptures. If one persons take on a situation is backed up by scripture then the other person must follow. If both people are feeling some way that isnt supported by the word of God then they are both wrong. I just know that the Bible dont say to not have any friends of the opposite sex. I know my FH needs to understand discernment, the appearance of evil and most of all, how to REALLY love. I try to tell him that just because he knows not to do something dont mean that his friend may share the same morals and values and sometimes he might not pick up on it. Which is why I rather us have mutual friends...I prefer christian couples. I am not too concerned with finding those friends right now until we develop a better friendship ourselves. I dont think there is room to add friends while we are trying to make our bond stronger. Although, I dont totally rule this out. Of course, he has friends at work that I may never meet just as I do. Anyone who is going to be calling that is not business related, then I will have some concern as to who that person is because I do and will take my commitment to God seriously and I dont have time for intruders. Thank you for the advice. I will continue to pray and work on myself as well as praying for him. I feel in my heart that one day I will see the day when we both fully understand Gods purpose for marriage and can operate in it! I know I will not marry a perfect man and that the work never ends!
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Engaged to my bestfriend Sept. 5, 2008!
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/14/2008 10:07:26 PM
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still4gvn
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Aisha: I think you need to follow your gut feeling that these relationships are not right. If these women were 'just friends' he would include you in activities with them and they would accept you as a friend. I have no problem with my husband having women friends - But there are some women that I don't want around him and he respects that. Follow your intuition. Do you know what 'emotional adultery' is? If he is discussing personal stuff about you to them that is not appropriate. If he wants advice, it shouldn't come from women his age. Most pastors will not tell you whether or not to marry someone. That is your choice. Be careful.
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/14/2008 10:48:21 PM
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Aisha
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Let me clarify... He has A LOT of female friends. I have no problem meeting and becoming friends with SOME of them. In which the ones I have no problem in meeting, I really dont know background info on them. Now, most of his closest friends knew ALL of our business and the business they knew was mostly bad business. When they would call and know I am around they would NEVER tell him to tell me hi even before we started having issues! Some would talk bad about me to him. I will NEVER feel comfortable with them ever. I know nothing bad about them. I only knew their name and that they went to college together or their relationship status. These females would call him all the time and be on the phone with him for hours. Which to me is emotional although they never did anything physically to my knowledge. He has told me that 1-2 of them got undressed/dressed in front of him because they felt comfortable back in college. I will never want them as my friend. So its not ALL of them. I dont want some woman calling my man all the time for relationship advice, or to watch the latest Greys Anatomy with him or to even invite him out to eat. He is also pretty private about his life and business unless he is going thru something. Thats the time when he wants to talk about his life, otherwise he keeps his mouth shut. I remember times when his bestfriend would call and Id be right there. He would talk to her and never mention he was with me. Once he started, I would hear them say smart remarks if they asked where he was and he say with me. To me, those arent friends and I will never suck up my feelings and bring myself around these people who seem to know all of my weaknesses. IDK If I am wrong but I feel strongly about this. Every now and then he will have a friend contact him and sometimes it would be fine. Othertimes, something wouldnt feel right. Its okay to have friends that call every now and then to check up on ya and will want to say hi to me as well. People who are in support of us and not trying to just take his attention and time away from me. He has very few friends who I would like to meet. A lot of them are in competition with me for whateva reason. Maybe they felt they were always better because they are older and held degrees and I didnt. They never understood why he was with me. In fact, I have male friends who feel that way about why I am with him. I will not hold onto those friendships. I do have male friends who are in support of us and trying to help us and would be willing to be a friend of his as well. My discernment of people is often pretty accurate. I dont just do this in my own relationship. I can see snakes in other peoples lives and it bothers me. Women can break up homes just as well as men can. Men arent the only dogs!
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Engaged to my bestfriend Sept. 5, 2008!
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/15/2008 8:16:47 PM
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Wild-Rose
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Aisha, I've been thinking about you off and on all day today. I put off writing because there are so many red flags that one just doesn't know where to start. He takes his problems and unburdens himself to OTHER women AGAINST you. In a loving committed relationship it should be you and him against the world. His women friends are in competition for his affection against you. He should have cut them out of his life a long time ago. Twice you have mentioned that they want to ask him out for a meal and a movie. This is what most of us would call a date. To most of us married folks it would never occur to us to even ask the question, is this OK? It is so obviously not OK. If a man still wants to date other women he should not be getting married. So my question to you - why did this idea even enter your head? Is he trying to persuade you that going out for meals and movies with other women was somehow OK? It's bad enough that other women are trying to hurt you by taking him away, but what really sets off my red flags and alarms and sirens is that HE doesn't seem to care that he hurts you. Instead of being his one special girl, are you sure you are not just one of several girlfriends?
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Wild-Rose Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/15/2008 10:19:20 PM
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Aisha
Posts: 74
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From: Maryland
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Wild-Rose Aisha, I've been thinking about you off and on all day today. I put off writing because there are so many red flags that one just doesn't know where to start. He takes his problems and unburdens himself to OTHER women AGAINST you. In a loving committed relationship it should be you and him against the world. His women friends are in competition for his affection against you. He should have cut them out of his life a long time ago. Twice you have mentioned that they want to ask him out for a meal and a movie. This is what most of us would call a date. To most of us married folks it would never occur to us to even ask the question, is this OK? It is so obviously not OK. If a man still wants to date other women he should not be getting married. So my question to you - why did this idea even enter your head? Is he trying to persuade you that going out for meals and movies with other women was somehow OK? It's bad enough that other women are trying to hurt you by taking him away, but what really sets off my red flags and alarms and sirens is that HE doesn't seem to care that he hurts you. Instead of being his one special girl, are you sure you are not just one of several girlfriends? He USED to call them and tell them about our issues 6+ months ago before we agreed that he cut them off. He did recently call a friend and wish her a happy birthday and I was upset about the msg that she left. He didnt know her actual birthday but in her msg she said something about being happy about him thinking of her. She lives miles and miles away from us but that isnt the issue. I was upset about what she said in the msg. He didnt think it was wrong of him to call her because she wasnt one of the ones Ive had issues with in the past BUT he did tell me in the past that he wouldnt talk to anyone because he had no desire. So thats what I expected. Once I realized that he was, I questioned him and was upset. Now, he is trying to get me to understand that its an trust issue that I have with him because I wont let him talk to other females on his own without my approval that he dont work with. In fact, I do have an issue if its not an co worker because I feel likes its being done behind my back. Him and I have difference feelings about what a lack of trust is compared to a person being concerned and hurt by a behavior. If I am bothered by something then I will tell him and I will be upset about it because I expect him to know better and to know me and what I wont stand for. He has not expressed wanting to take anyone out or vice versa recently but in the past with certain friends, that was said and done. I dont think he quite understands the part about US against the world. He just thinks something must be wrong with me because what he see as normal, I see as an issue. He has only had one prior GF to me and that was back in HS. So I dont think he is quite seasoned in relationships and respecting a persons feelings, not to say he cant learn but he was one of the ones who believed that having friends while in a relationship was fine. Once I matured, it wasnt fine for me to continue on in some friendships because of the things that my BF didnt know about the friendship from the past that I did. It could be something as small as a person telling me why they are attracted to me in a way that made me feel that at one point they wanted more than a friendship from me. So I tend to guard myself and let go of those friendships once I am actually in a relationship. So, Ive said all of that to say this, I feel that he basically want me to just trust him when he has to visit family in NY without me and believe that he nor the female would do anything or see each other. He wants to know that I wont get upset before he leaves or while he is gone and in the same state and city she is in. I just feel like thats a little crazy. I will express my concern and hope that he would comfort me(take me with him or dont agree to go unless we can go as a family) but he feels that if I get upset or feel ill feelings then I automatically dont trust him. I look at it as discernment and common sense! What woman wouldnt be a least bit concerned with her man around a woman he was sexual with? Any person would be concerned and feel something. Everyone may not express it. He see his brothers wives feeling fine about their husbands friends and THINK thats how our relationship should opperate. Not to mention, one of his brothers cheated with his wife bestfriend. I dont play that! My FH didnt agree to that but when I mentioned how it couldve been stopped...I was looked at as if I was crazy and a phycho for guarding things so much. He likes to call it being insecure...I call it common sense. Maybe its just his cultural background because there was something he explained to me before about his brothers wife that I know wouldnt happen in my family and he was completely okay with it. We just have totally different upbringings and ideals.
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Engaged to my bestfriend Sept. 5, 2008!
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/16/2008 12:24:09 AM
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jaimestarcross
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The scriptures warn us to look out for wolves in sheep's clothing... and for a man to be on guard against a woman with a flattering tongue. *From my experience I've learned that once I started representing and sharing Christ and not going along with the world, my unsaved friends/family became distant. How is he sharing Christ to those single ladies? Anyone seeking salvation in Christ yet? Is he connecting them with mature Christian women at church for mentoring?
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/16/2008 2:03:24 AM
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ebony101
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if you can't trust him now, then what makes you think you'll be able to trust him in the future. The best predictor of the future is the past. He said that he only went along with the "agreement" to please you. That means that his heart isn't in it - therefore he doesn't really want to give up these friendships, he's probably hoping that you will change.
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'We're writing a gospel, a chapter each day, By the things that we do & the words that we say.'
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/16/2008 10:34:19 AM
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Aisha
Posts: 74
Joined: 11/7/2005
From: Maryland
Status: offline
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Just an example of what I have to go through. We both have Facebook accounts and recently changed our relationship status to engaged of course. The first female to realize that he is now engaged to me said this "Engaged!?!?! Wow...I have no words!!!! Just don't forget your friends...or is it too late?!?!?" Now...I dont know how any other women would feel about this but THIS is what irks my nerves. Or am I just being silly?? I mean there is no congrats or anything. This certain female would invite him on trips with other people they went to college with. It would be two guys and two girls and they'd all be sharing a room. He never went but I told him that I would like to travel along because I wouldnt dare have him in a room with two other single women and one gay man. That makes no sense. They ended up not going. Yet, this was 2yrs ago. Is it just me tripping? ---EDIT....When she says dont 4get about friends she is being sarcastic because she knows how I feel about certain people.
< Message edited by Aisha -- 9/16/2008 10:44:27 AM >
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Engaged to my bestfriend Sept. 5, 2008!
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RE: Any Scripture Support This? - 9/16/2008 10:55:32 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 4034
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
Status: online
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If you don't trust him, let him go. It sounds like he needs a crash course in personal boundaries and biblically appropriate behavior.
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Avatar is Saphira 5 months and Louvena at 23 months! We are now grandparents TWICE!! ==================================== Our CD is now available here: http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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