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Am I being selfish? - 11/12/2008 10:43:44 AM
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mommyoftwosillykids
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I love my husband very much, we have been married a year and a half. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage and we together have a 10 month old and one on the way. We don't get much quality time anymore and so here is the problem he wants to go hunting for a whole weekend and I hate that idea b/c he says the family is so important to him but yet he can leave us for a weekend, i could never do that to my family. Is that wrong of me to think he should be at home with us? We then agreed a weekend and so then he adds well i will invite my brother up here the following weekend to hunt here. And to top that off he then is on the phone and his brother wants to add the friday after thanksgiving to the list and says oh are we busy that day, when he knows i would like to look and the christmas sales then. This is really making me hate the word deer season. That would mean not much time for two whole weeks b/c he works during the week and one weekend gone all weekend and the next weekend still gone b/c he is in the woods all weekend with his brother. Someone help me!!!!!!
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/12/2008 12:27:09 PM
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deedeeowens
Posts: 89
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I think your feelings are normal for your circumstances. Maybe he'd be willing to compromise and give up the idea of being gone the Friday after Thanksgiving. If not, my advice is to let him have this time without resenting him for it. It's a guy thing and it's obviously very important to him. If being gone becomes habitual; every weekend for a couple of months, then I'd say that HE is being selfish and needs to focus on his family. Pray for the right heart in dealing with this. I understand your position BELIEVE ME! My husband was often gone for reasons that I thought were unnecessary, while I was home with 5 kids. Humanly speaking your feelings are quite justified. But, I speak from experience when I tell you that being kind and unselfish will produce better fruit in your marriage.
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/12/2008 12:39:28 PM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10366
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Its funny. Maybe its hormones. My wife will say "You never spend any time with me!" To her, if I'm out working in the yard, or working on the autos, or working on projects around the house I'm not "being with her". But if I follow her around the house, helping with cooking or cleaning or just being with her when she does her makeup in the mirror at the window then I'm "stifling" her and "in her space"! Of course she declines my offer to hang out with me as I do things that need I need to do...
What if you expressed an interest in going hunting with him and offer to gut the deer? 
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/12/2008 1:08:20 PM
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HighPlainsDrifter
Posts: 1305
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In my opinion, yes.
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Give a hoot, eat yer Lute, Der's no risk in Lutefisk.
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/12/2008 1:37:52 PM
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hnt
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My husband hunts as well.
After 20 some years you get used to one weekend bow hunting, and one weekend shotgun. My daugther has gone with him the last two years. She had to wait until she was old enough, and after she passed the hunter's saftey training course.
I love to fish personally. During the summertime I shot for time alone to do that - maybe you can think about something like that. LOL YOu may not like fishing, but you can come up with something else!
I think guys need some time by themselves. I have to admit my girlfriend and I went down to the city over a weekend to check out the museums and a play one weekend as well. It was FUN! 
Right now it will be hard to plan for some 'alone' time over a weekend - just the two of you. Esplly when you have a little one in the picture.
He could have planned it better, and place some more thought towards this...but he didn't for whatever reason. Its NOT worth the heartache! Hunting season generally is once a year. If he bags something it will save you tons of dough on meat! We get about 70lbs each time.
You are young, and I understand where you are coming from. Don't stop him tho. Your time will come as well. It will be okay I promise!
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/12/2008 1:47:43 PM
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Hislittleone
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Welcome to the forum mommyoftwosillykids! I certainly can understand your feelings. As 3cappuccinnosmom pointed out you might be feeling worse about the situation because of the pregnancy hormones. If this is a continual problem (your husband not wanting to spend weekends with you and your child) then it needs to be addressed. But if he just really enjoys hunting then maybe you could work out a compromise to where he goes just one weekend or hunts only one day out of both weekends.
Also, IMO it would be a good idea to ask him to not put you on the spot like he did in asking you if his brother could come to go hunting while his brother was on the phone. Tell him to let people (his brother and whoever else in the future) know that he needs to discuss it with you and will get back to them.
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/12/2008 1:51:52 PM
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Sideways
Posts: 3906
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
Also, IMO it would be a good idea to ask him to not put you on the spot like he did in asking you if his brother could come to go hunting while his brother was on the phone. Tell him to let people (his brother and whoever else in the future) know that he needs to discuss it with you and will get back to them.
Very good advice!
You've only been married 1.5 years, so it's understandable that he would do something thoughtless like that. My dH and I have been 7.5 years, and he knows better then to agree to anything without checking with me first in private. (And I check with him, as well, on everything.)
It's just a way of showing respect for your partner, and I don't give a snot about that "Men need respect and women need love" nonsense. Both partners need to show respect, and putting your spouse on the spot like that is not respectful.
But it's entirely possible that he just wasn't thinking.
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This warranty does not include shark bites, bear attacks and children under five.
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/12/2008 1:52:24 PM
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truthrevealed
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I understand your feelings. With three children and one on the way......you're entitled to how you feel. I would agree with him having his week-end though. I agree that you should make other plans, even if it's "fun week-end" with just you and the children. Understand the need for a man to do things that he enjoys, to relax and unwind from his pressures. BUT, BUT BUT.............in a partnership there must be mutual understanding and empathy. There's......cause for concern if you agree with his sport and he's unwilling to do WHATEVER will cause you enjoyment and pleasure, such as: taking you out, watching the children while you go out, not making a habit out of always leaving you with the children when his free time is already limited or simply spending alone time with him. I truly believe that if a man "loves" his wife in this way she's more open and willing to allow him his freedom because everything is good on all fronts............ AT HOME.............FIRST!!!!!
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/12/2008 3:30:23 PM
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all4aremine
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Being a wife of a very serious deer hunter and 4 kids, I will tell you that my dh would say I was being selfish if I asked him to give up his weekends of hunting. He works all year long and spends plenty of time with the family January through September. Actually his words to me were we wouldn't get married if I had a problem with it, so instead I decided to take up bow hunting with him. It is something as a family we enjoy doing.
Why can't you guys go shopping after he gets out of the woods? I know my husband and I hunt from 6am-12pm. Get out and go take care of some of the things we need to do and after that we get back in the stands if we want to evening hunt.
If it is a weekend that the kids don't want to go, well I end up staying home with them and let him go. he is a much happier person after he gets out of the woods with a fresh kill. Heck I went from being able to buy a $80,000 home to a $200,000 home after he killed his doe this year. What happens is that after he gets his deer and I haven't got mine- he takes over the kids and I go hunt. Also to make up the time to me he will take the kids for a day and let me go do whatever I want to do.
Heck as long as I get to hear the words I have to thank you and God for allowing me to kill a deer that melts my heart because he knows that I sacrifice a lot for him to go hunting, but I also know he does to for me in other ways. And trust me my husband and I hunt not exclusively on weekends. We go after work and hunt or our vacations are surrounded by hunting. Heck we spend Thanksgiving week in the woods and also Christmas and New years
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/12/2008 3:31:53 PM
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csl7037
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I don't think you're being selfish. I think I'd be drawing the line at the day after Thanksgiving. Can you be gracious about the other two weekends but tell him you wanted that Friday to be family time and to hit the stores early on (with him home with the kids)...seems perfectly reasonable to me. A weekend here or there is not that big of a deal - and hunting weekends may need to be back to back because it's a seasonal thing. But I think you can lovingly ask for a compromise.
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/12/2008 3:49:04 PM
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NoShow
Posts: 454
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I think you're "reacting", so won't go so far as saying you're being selfish.
quote:
ORIGINAL: mommyoftwosillykids
We don't get much quality time anymore
I'd say this by itself is a big part of what's bothering you. You would just like to have some more one-on-one time with your husband, but life seems to get in the way. And if he can squeeze time for hunting, why can't he squeeze time in for you?
quote:
and so here is the problem he wants to go hunting for a whole weekend and I hate that idea b/c he says the family is so important to him but yet he can leave us for a weekend, i could never do that to my family.
Seriously, do you really think this? That wanting to go hunting equals family not being important to him? And the whole "I could never...", isn't really valid, because action is separate from intent or motive. That's like if a wife wants to leave the kids at home, why she goes looks at drapes, can the husband proclaim that as the wife valuing drapes more than family, if he would never do that?
quote:
Is that wrong of me to think he should be at home with us?
Yes. Is it wrong for you to want him to be at home with the family? No.
quote:
That would mean not much time for two whole weeks b/c he works during the week and one weekend gone all weekend and the next weekend still gone b/c he is in the woods all weekend with his brother. Someone help me!!!!!!
Well there's the answer. He can quit his job. Than five days a week, he can spend ever minute with the family and two days a week he can go hunting!
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/12/2008 4:43:26 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1939
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
Welcome to the forum mommyoftwosillykids! I certainly can understand your feelings. As 3cappuccinnosmom pointed out you might be feeling worse about the situation because of the pregnancy hormones. If this is a continual problem (your husband not wanting to spend weekends with you and your child) then it needs to be addressed. But if he just really enjoys hunting then maybe you could work out a compromise to where he goes just one weekend or hunts only one day out of both weekends.
Also, IMO it would be a good idea to ask him to not put you on the spot like he did in asking you if his brother could come to go hunting while his brother was on the phone. Tell him to let people (his brother and whoever else in the future) know that he needs to discuss it with you and will get back to them.
Excellent advice; I agree totally.
Hunting seems to be better than a spa for some guys, and I'd not want to take that away from him. The hunting season is only, what, two months out of the year? I'd let him go (and insist on some good venison for the freezer. Yum) and be happy for him. It will make it easier for him to appreciate what a good wife he has who is looking out for his happiness, and make it more likely he'll want to devote more free time to you.
Understand that being pregnant can make things magnified; at least, it did for me. Can you call your friends over while he is gone, everyone bring a dish of good food and you all watch a good movie? Pride and Prejudice has a Bollywood (India) version that's a ton of fun: Bride and Prejudice. We ladies loved it!
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/12/2008 7:07:46 PM
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mommyoftwosillykids
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I guess would be easier if i actually had a life outside home or even had a friend. yeah i am pathetic no friends. my family is it.
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/12/2008 8:15:27 PM
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creationtalk
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mommyoftwosillykids
I guess would be easier if i actually had a life outside home or even had a friend. yeah i am pathetic no friends. my family is it.
I can relate to feeling like you have no life...I became a single parent when my son was still an infant (xh told me to leave). Since then I've been caring for a small child and working. And working and caring for a small child...and trying to repair property torn up in a couple of hurricanes...and working and caring for a small child.... I have no way to form friendships because when people who could be my friends are socializing...I'm working...or caring for a small child.
You have three small children and one on the way. It is very tough. I understand. I'd suggest you start calling around to churches and daycares and see if you can find one that has a "mother's day out" program, so that you can have some time to yourself during the week. Look for a MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group in your area so that you can find other moms in the same stage of life who can be friends.
Also, since the real cry that I'm hearing is you want some time with your husband, is see if you can work it out so that you get a babysitter for the children and have a date night with your husband. Some time when it can be just the two of you. Not a time to worry or talk about the bills, or the kids, but a time when you can connect again.
I also agree with those who say don't make it a point of contention with your husband that he wants to go hunting; ask that in the future he discuss it with you in private so that you can air any concerns you have.
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/12/2008 8:17:46 PM
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pbaribeault
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It sounds like you might want to make making friends a priority that deserves your time and effort. I agree with most posters that your feelings are normal, but that you might do better to act more graciously than you feel.
One thing I do is if my husband's time ends up being eaten up too thoroughly (whether it's through work & overtime, travel, hobbies, commitments or social time) I ask him, "You understand that this effects me, right? Can you put some thought into what you could do, without changing your plans, to help meet my desires?" I then explain that I have 2 needs that will be under-met, (1) the need to feel cherished and close to him and (2) the need for some practical help.
What this usually ends up with is that he makes time to call me, or writes me a note or two beforehand and leaves them for later, or small gifts, or something else suitably sappy. Plus he makes sure that the house is in a reasonably good state beforehand, so I just have to do keep-up not whole chores, and he often arranges for pizza or Chinese food delivery to save me some meal prep. He also makes sure I have a little extra budget to pamper myself or do something special that will make the kids happier and therefore more manageable.
This works well for us.
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/12/2008 9:33:40 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1939
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mommyoftwosillykids
I guess would be easier if i actually had a life outside home or even had a friend. yeah i am pathetic no friends. my family is it.
I hear ya. A house full of little ones is taxing enough. I went through this with one high-demand child who had only me to entertain her, a husband gone all day working two jobs, no car, no money, and was the only one in the neighborhood during working hours. It was really tough.
This may sound abrupt, but looking back I wish someone had said this to me: Rejoice that you have a family... those little kids will soon grow up (mine was a baby last week I think, and now is in college. Whoa! How did that happen???) and be zooming in and mostly out of the house. This is hard to hear when you're in the middle of hardship, but hang tough and give it your best every day. It will soon change, and you will never go back.
See if you can find a local church that does daycare and arrange maybe to work there a day a week for leaving your kids there a few hours a week. Creationtalk suggested MOPS and that is a great idea. See if the moms at church want to swap babysitting so you both get a little time to yourself. Chuckle at yourself that pregnancy might be distorting your feelings a little. And survive, knowing God has allowed you to be in this stressful place and is using it to sanctify you. You'll be a godlier person, and a better mom to those kids (not that you aren't now, but you'll get even better! Good Mother Award is on it's way - see Proverbs 31:10 and following).
I'm praying for you, dear one. Get as close to enough sleep as you can and get some exercise if you can (hard with little ones in tow, I know) as it's a natural mood lifter. God bless you. I am praying now.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/13/2008 11:52:42 AM
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HighPlainsDrifter
Posts: 1305
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: The Great Sioux Empire
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quote:
I'd be mad to, but let your husband go play with his guns and be the adult in this situation.
Nice...
_____________________________
Give a hoot, eat yer Lute, Der's no risk in Lutefisk.
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/14/2008 5:02:49 PM
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laura...
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From: NE Ohio
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Find some kind of compromise. Does his brother have a wife? If so, invite her to come with him to spend time with you while they hunt.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/14/2008 6:02:02 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 8064
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mommyoftwosillykids
I guess would be easier if i actually had a life outside home or even had a friend. yeah i am pathetic no friends. my family is it.
As I as reading your original post, I was wondering if you have any balance and the above quote answers that. You need to find some time for yourself. Attend MOPS or something that will give you a break. A couple of evenings a month, go do something outside the home while hubby stays home being Daddy. You don't have to do anything fancy or expensive and I would recommend it be something where you can meet other women.
If you have a little money, you could take a cake decorating class at Michael's or something like that. Find something that is of interest to you. Cake decorating came to mind because it is useful and you might even be able to make a few bucks doing it. You could find a women's Bible study. There are lots of possibilities. Pray about it. Check around and see what you can find. Have some fun! Get away from your children for a bit.
If you are feeling lonely and overwhelmed and your husband gets to go do something fun, I am sure it can be upsetting, but the problem isn't that your husband is having fun, the problem is that you are not getting the breaks you need and the interaction with adult women that you need. You can fix that. Start today.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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Get a babysitter and have a girls night out with your best friend. I also suggest getting a babysitter and enjoying the Christmas sales with a friend. That would be so much more fun than going with a man who really, really didnt' want to be there. 
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