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Adjusting - 9/2/2008 11:19:55 PM
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fly0950
Posts: 11
Joined: 1/13/2007
Status: offline
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Hi Ladies,
I guess I was just wanting some advice/encouragement from the married ladies. I just got married on August 23rd, to the best man ever. But I am having a tough time adjusting. I just feel anxious/nervous and I now dread going to work. I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel like I should be happy, but sometimes I don't feel so happy. I am 23 and lived at home until I got married. I do miss my family a little but we are only 20 minutes away. I love my new husband and I know my feelings don't have anything to do with my decision to marry him. He has been so understanding about it all too.
I guess I was just wondering if any of you felt the same way or any advice you have about just dealing with the stress issues of being newly married. I know everyone says the first year is the hardest, I guess I just didn't know it would feel like this.
Thanks, Fly
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RE: Adjusting - 9/3/2008 12:38:51 AM
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nicole6598
Posts: 4118
Joined: 11/3/2006
From: Australia
Status: offline
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Hi Fly, I am not an expert by any means, but I wanted to let you know that there are plenty of wonderful women here who can give you the advice that you need :) I have been married 5 years and have found that all of them have been hard, but that's because neither of us really knew what to do and weren't prepared very well. Did you get good marriage counselling or pre-marriage counselling from your pastor before you were married?
I think the main thing to do is pray, read your Bible, and make sure you and hubby spend time having fun and not just talking about bills and what to buy grandma for her birthday etc.
I will say a prayer for you!
_____________________________
Proud Aussie, Wife, Mother, Woman!
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RE: Adjusting - 9/3/2008 1:12:47 AM
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Zhi
Posts: 1426
Joined: 7/31/2007
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Well, I would say first get the idea that you need to be happy 24/7 out of your head. You weren't happy 24/7 before you got married, now that you're married you won't be happy 24/7 either, and expecting that from yourself is not going to make things any easier. Plus it's entirely unrealistic. It's okay to feel a little sad about the passing of your youth, leaving your parents house, becoming a married woman. It's okay to feel a little overwhelmed. Give yourself time and you'll get through it.
You've started a brand new chapter in your life. It's normal to be apprehensive, it's normal to need some time to adjust. Don't try to hurry yourself or over-analyze everything, just go with it and realize that it's going to take some time before your new life is comfortably broken in.
It helps me to address the specific reasons I feel nervous about something. Try to determine why you feel that way (but try not to stress yourself out over-analyzing every little thing). Why do you dread going to work? What in particular are you anxious about? I know it sounds a little difficult and odd, but when I first went to college I was having some pretty serious vague anxiety going on until I realized that as a girl from the plains, I had just moved to a place where I couldn't see anything west of me (mountains in the way) and so somewhere back in my mind I was going "I can't see a tornado if it comes" (since tornadoes came from the west, where I grew up). Once I figured out the core of the issue I felt pretty silly, but the anxiety went away because I confronted the real reason. See if you can't figure out what you're worried about so you can confront it directly and work through it. Maybe it's the fact that you're unsure how you'll relate to people at work now that you're a married woman. But, keep in mind that you're still you. You are you in a new phase of life, but you're still yourself, still as competent as you've ever been, your personality hasn't changed.
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
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RE: Adjusting - 9/3/2008 1:37:57 PM
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fly0950
Posts: 11
Joined: 1/13/2007
Status: offline
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Thank you for your posts so far. It has made me feel that I am not totally crazy. I keep thinking people get married every day, why can't I do this? But then I think, sheesh, it has been less than 2 weeks, chill out. I would love to hear any one elses experiences.
Thanks Again! Fly
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RE: Adjusting - 9/3/2008 2:18:06 PM
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caringnurse
Posts: 23
Joined: 3/29/2007
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I meet my husband in collage. We know each other for about 2 1/2 years. One year we saw each other about 3 times. We were lilving 500 miloes apart. We wrote letters and sometimes talked on the phone. When we got married we moved to a large city. I am very much a country girl. While we were driving I began to think "What am I doing here with this man I really don't know, and where I don't anybody else in town". I had to really work to get past that. That was 39 1/2 years ago. It will get better.
_____________________________
Nancy
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RE: Adjusting - 9/3/2008 3:02:59 PM
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Zhi
Posts: 1426
Joined: 7/31/2007
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quote:
Thank you for your posts so far. It has made me feel that I am not totally crazy. I keep thinking people get married every day, why can't I do this? But then I think, sheesh, it has been less than 2 weeks, chill out. I would love to hear any one elses experiences.
Well, honestly, in all the history of marriage "for love", I highly doubt there has ever been a person who has not had at least one occasion, however fleeting, when they asked "What on earth was I THINKING?!" Prior to that, of course, in the era of arranged marriages, the question was modified to "What on earth were my parents THINKING?!" and waaaaay prior to that, the question was "What on earth was God THINKING?!" (It's right there in the Bible, you know, where Adam says "this woman YOU GAVE ME...")
The solution, of course, is to answer yourself. Remind yourself that he is "the best man ever", he's "understanding", and all the reasons that you didn't list in your initial post. Make a physical list if you have to. ;) The question will get less frequent as you get more confident and "used to" being married.
Otherwise, you CAN do this. You ARE doing this. Just keep praying and keep trying, you'll be fine. Marriage, like anything else, requires practice. Give yourself some time to get good at it. ;)
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
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RE: Adjusting - 9/7/2008 10:15:23 PM
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MrsTracy72
Posts: 1753
Joined: 2/28/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: fly0950
Hi Ladies,
I guess I was just wanting some advice/encouragement from the married ladies. I just got married on August 23rd, to the best man ever. But I am having a tough time adjusting. I just feel anxious/nervous and I now dread going to work. I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel like I should be happy, but sometimes I don't feel so happy. I am 23 and lived at home until I got married. I do miss my family a little but we are only 20 minutes away. I love my new husband and I know my feelings don't have anything to do with my decision to marry him. He has been so understanding about it all too.
I guess I was just wondering if any of you felt the same way or any advice you have about just dealing with the stress issues of being newly married. I know everyone says the first year is the hardest, I guess I just didn't know it would feel like this.
Thanks, Fly
I am so sorry because this makes me feel guilty. I got married and while my family lived in the same city, I didn't miss a thing. I always wanted to be out of the house and independant and on my own. I still love it to this day, but again, my parents are in the same city. They are talking about moving, but until that happens, I still have the best of both worlds.
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RE: Adjusting - 9/9/2008 3:25:58 PM
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fly0950
Posts: 11
Joined: 1/13/2007
Status: offline
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Thanks for the thoughts ladies. It has still been really hard and I am just trying to take it a day at a time. I talked to my Doctor and am going to try a new BC pill (please no judging). I have been on them in the past for other reasons and never had any ill effects but maybe this time isn't going as well. Thanks, Fly
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RE: Adjusting - 9/9/2008 3:45:59 PM
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moon_mouse
Posts: 378
Status: offline
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What you are feeling is perfectly normal. You've had a lot of changes in your life all at once, and it's going to take some time for your "new normal" to really feel normal. One thing that I remember from my first year of marriage was that sometimes I tried to do to much at once. I was trying to make my new home and life look and feel like the one my parents had. Then I realized that the life I remembered had been decades in the making! Marriage is a journey, so enjoy these first exciting months, because soon they'll only be memories.
One other thing...you said you were on the pill. Do you consume caffeine? The pill can slow the metabolization of caffeine, so even if you are not feeling caffeine jitters, it may be staying in your system longer, which can deprive you of deep sleep, which in turn can amp up anxiety. Try reducing your caffeine intake and see if that helps a bit. (The pill affects caffeine, not the other way around, so it's not an effectiveness concern.)
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RE: Adjusting - 9/9/2008 3:50:13 PM
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Nicole_Michelle
Posts: 2711
Joined: 8/22/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MrsTracy72
quote:
ORIGINAL: fly0950
Hi Ladies,
I guess I was just wanting some advice/encouragement from the married ladies. I just got married on August 23rd, to the best man ever. But I am having a tough time adjusting. I just feel anxious/nervous and I now dread going to work. I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel like I should be happy, but sometimes I don't feel so happy. I am 23 and lived at home until I got married. I do miss my family a little but we are only 20 minutes away. I love my new husband and I know my feelings don't have anything to do with my decision to marry him. He has been so understanding about it all too.
I guess I was just wondering if any of you felt the same way or any advice you have about just dealing with the stress issues of being newly married. I know everyone says the first year is the hardest, I guess I just didn't know it would feel like this.
Thanks, Fly
I am so sorry because this makes me feel guilty. I got married and while my family lived in the same city, I didn't miss a thing. I always wanted to be out of the house and independant and on my own. I still love it to this day, but again, my parents are in the same city. They are talking about moving, but until that happens, I still have the best of both worlds.
I was never sad when I got married and moved out either. My parents lived 3 minutes away when we first got married and they now live 3 hours away because we've moved further away twice already. I just like being married and sharing my life with my husband. I've always been independant and wanted to live on my own for a while before even getting married.
_____________________________
~Nicole~
<-----Genevieve my new siberian dwarf hamster!
For the love of photography - my blog
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I also got pregnant on my honeymoon so 2 weeks later I was very emotional for very little reason. I would cry when my husband left for work (even though I was leaving for work myself in the next 20 minutes). I hated going out to work or even shopping. Then I started vomiting all the time and I figured I was just stressed (I can be an emotional vomiter). It was a relief to find out I was just pregnant, but then I felt awkward about telling everyone at work. 
