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Absurdity? - 7/24/2008 2:53:49 PM
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mandeaux
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So it all starts with hubby's b-day this week...
I ask what he wants, he mentions this DVD set coming out, so I order it.
Meanwhile, for the last few months he has mentioned off and on how he'd reeeallllyy like to see the new Batman movie...but he does that with other movies too. He doesn't go very often, but once in a blue moon will go with his buddy. His buddy was tied up and couldn't go, so he mentioned us going. Which was fine by me, because I wanted to see it. Of course this was all mentioned long before the movie came out.
So, my parents are coming to watch our 2 1/2 yo son tomorrow (his daycare is closed for training) and dh mentions that maybe they could stay a couple of extra hours Saturday to watch him while we catch the matinee. Ok idea, except for my folks live two hours away and have some obligations that must be taken care of sometime that afternoon. Staying long enough to catch the matinee would prevent them from returning home until sometime around 6:00. Dh was NOT pleased, and begin talking about how selfish my parents are for not sticking around since we hadn't had a date in a long time, and how they never want to care for our son and how they would bend over backwards to do things for my younger siblings. Mind you, my younger siblings live at home (my sis is in her mid teen, brother early twenties but comes and goes as needed), and as I said, they live quite aways off (roughly 80-90 miles) and his parents are forty miles away, and ask to keep our boy quite often. (They're tied up for the most part the next two weekends, so can't ask them.) My parents love our son, but he accuses that they don't care because they don't just come out and make plans for his stay as opposed to the way my mother in law does. Just a different way of doing things.
So he obsessed and moped yesterday evening about it, complaining how his brother and his wife and some of our friends have all seen it and he hasn't, how he wanted to see it so bad, and that I just don't care and that he might as well give up because he's never going to see it. We both tried coming up with some solutions and people to watch our little one, but scheduling difference kept the next two weekends out of question.
I decided to call my mom back to see exactly what time they planned to leave on Saturday, and thought that I might make arrangements with our pastor and his wife (as we have babysat for their preteen sons many, many times). When I explained to my mom that the reason I asked about their exact departure was that we(he) were really looking forward to seeing this movie and thought that we would take ds over to pastor's when they left. My mom then (very enthusiastically, I might add) suggested that they take ds home with them for the night, and we could pick him up on Sunday at the 'half-way' point, which is near my in-laws, so we could pick him up, stop in to see them and be on our way. I thought this was a great idea, so a few minutes later when dh called (I hadn't had a chance, being at work) and I told him, he took the approach that the ONLY reason she offered was that she felt guilty because of what I said about the movie as it was only suggested at the last minute, and that since that was the case that he didn't know if he wanted our son to go home with them!!! (As a side note, he claims to care about my folks, but anytime they are to come to our house, or we are to go to theirs or do anything with them, he seems to have some sort of beef.) I was dumbfounded to say the least, as I thought I'd come up with a plausible, workable solution, and yet he was still not satisfied.
I guess I'm worked up over the situation because he has hounded me at home and work for two days over this--a movie!--and there have been so many things I've wanted to do that never quite work out, but I go on and say, 'maybe next time'.
Please tell me, am I missing something here?
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RE: Absurdity? - 7/24/2008 3:01:43 PM
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stamper_ben
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Sounds like you are missing the movie....
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RE: Absurdity? - 7/24/2008 3:04:49 PM
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freakofnature
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Unfortunatley I don't think you're missing any thing and while I don't know your husband, and only assessing the scenerio as you have described it, he needs to grow up. This is part of having a child and I know, I have four. Movies do come out on DVD and he will be able to see it by Christmas as no doubt it will be on video for Christmas sales. Otherwise, I wouldn't sweat it frankly he will either get over it or he won't and if he doesn't that is his selfishness adn tough! Or, you could give him $10 bucks and a call a taxi, say it is a little gift from you to him for all of his hard work and he can go to the movie while you watch your son.
As far as the In-laws are concerned, we are to leave our parents and cling to our spouses, I know it will be tough, but you can't let your parents or his parents become a driving wedge between the two of you and this goes for him too. Boy, I wish I could talk to your DH. I have been married and divorced over stupid stuff just like this. Amazing... some guys???
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RE: Absurdity? - 7/24/2008 3:35:17 PM
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mandeaux
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Ok, so I wasn't completely off the mark for wanting to look at him and say, 'Grow up!' (I didn't, but I kind of did tell him that he needed to check his attitude).
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RE: Absurdity? - 7/24/2008 3:55:49 PM
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mandeaux
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I understand his initial disappointment, but he waits to the very last minute for things and has it set in his mind how it should go...and if it doesn't go that way, then everyone's out against him.
I guess with the in-law situation, it has been very hands-on with his folks (e.g., they are well off, so they are always buying stuff for us--without us asking, sometimes with hubby going and asking, when I would rather work toward it ourselves--always going places together, hanging out at least two, if not three weekends a month) while my folks have been primarily been hands off (I was always very independent, and took care of things on my own. We try to see them once a month, but once in awhile it becomes two months if we're all busy. Also, they live primarily paycheck to paycheck, so they don't buy things--I wouldn't expect it!!!--but my mom loves to pass things along to me, like cast iron skillets, or so forth, or even joint compound left over from a project when I mentioned going to get some to patch a nailhole.) I try not to get into the business of comparing (oops, I think I just did), because its just a matter of different strokes different folks, but he insists that my parents don't care because they don't do things like his. One thing I noticed from things he told me was that he spent alot of time with his grandparents--one grandmother lived next door for many years and helped raise them while his parents completed school; he spent many weekends with his other grandparents, expecting to be picked up as soon as he was home from school on Friday. I spent time with my mother's grandparents out of necessity, as they were babysitters while my parents worked, but we rarely stayed away from home, at least not until we were much older.
I try to point out it's not good vs. bad, just two different ways of doing things.
All of this blowing up over a movie... 
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RE: Absurdity? - 7/24/2008 4:12:15 PM
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freakofnature
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So then, he has grown up somewhat privelaged to be able to do whatever whenever the feeling strikes. Like being able to go to a movie whenever he wants because he didn't grow up with the mind set of "it's either milk and bread or the movies?" That may put somethings into a bit more of perspective. It doesn't excuse bad behavior but now it is a matter of priorities and the going to the movies isn't a priority, it has to be the 2 y/o and if no babysitter then sobeit. I noticed also that in your OP, you have younger sister, can she come down with your parents and then stay the night?
Otherwise, it would be a wise thing for his parents to stop buying you all stuff, I mean the baby yes, but to stop involving themselves so much. It is time for the man to leave his parents and cling to his wife, Mark 10.
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RE: Absurdity? - 7/24/2008 4:58:35 PM
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Sadey
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The ones I feel sorry for are your parents. They are willing to take your son home and then drive back half way to meet you. How sad that they have such a son in law. I hope and pray they don't see how bratty he is being. For one thing it will embarress you for your folks to see how he acts.
I agree with handing him ten dollars and callling a cab but not telling him its because hes worked so hard. I'd tell him its because I don't want to go with someone who acts like he does.
Does he do this a lot? Maybe some counseling if he would go? He seemed to be bound and determined to get what he wanted when he wanted it and how he wanted it and if anyone stopped him he threw a fit?
I feel for you but hope you don't do anything to enable his behavior. Maybe you could get some counseling to help you deal with this, without getting drug into all the drama.
If your parents do get hurt, don't defend him let him deal with it.
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RE: Absurdity? - 7/24/2008 7:29:54 PM
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jaimestarcross
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That's a lot of carrying on for a movie that's full of mindless violence/killings by maniacal men... to me, Dark Knight was too dark/sadist and I wouldn't recommend it.
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RE: Absurdity? - 7/24/2008 9:24:35 PM
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pbaribeault
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Your parents are not speaking his love language, and he doesn't feel the love. It's very hard to accept things from people that you genuinely believe love you only kind of a little bit, because all families love each other, mostly, I guess. He's used to more tangible expressions of love, and his translation of the actions leads him to a wrong assessment.
It's a problem, but it's not him being babyish. He's just looking out of his own eyes, and we all see out of our own eyes.
You come from a family where you don't even ask people to put themselves out for you. To you, that's fair, and respectful and nicely independent. To him, that's pretty cold potatoes. Pretty cold people. People who will watch your boy... if they really have to... But do you really want them to?
He's not going to 'get' them unless he spends more time with them. Unless he does that, you'll just have to run interference and put up with his misperceptions.
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RE: Absurdity? - 7/24/2008 9:36:12 PM
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karlie
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quote:
ORIGINAL: shadowspring
Didn't read everyone's posts, but I just wanted to say that if the movie was THAT important to my husband, seeing it would be important to me because HE is important to me.
It being important is one thing...moping and whining for two days because it didn't work out is ridiculous for a grown adult. Things fall through and plans get canceled when you have young children, and even when you don't. It's just part of life and something we need to handle with a little grace.
I honestly don't blame the OP for thinking it's immature behavior. It is. I've never even had my kids carry on like that over something that fell through.
I do suspect though, that there may be more going on than the movie. Unless he's normally that immature, I would think that sounds more like the event that brought it all out, rather than the issue itself.
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RE: Absurdity? - 7/24/2008 10:00:59 PM
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buckifn
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You've got a lot more to deal with than seeing a movie. The in-laws, the control issues through "buying things" and the immaturity of a man who should be more concerned about his son than about Batman.
I want to see the movie too, but it is about 15 on my list of things to do and nowhere close to being on the same list as taking care of my family.
How old is your husband? I think he needs to know he is coming across as a 2nd grader.
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RE: Absurdity? - 7/25/2008 9:53:38 AM
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CoeurdeLeon
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Good grief, the OP hasn't "blown off" what her dh wants. She's done everything she can think of to make it work and he's still not satisfied.
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RE: Absurdity? - 7/25/2008 10:26:58 AM
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karlie
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quote:
ORIGINAL: shadowspring
Love you Karlie, but I still respectfully disagree.
I suppose it's because my dh and I are so different. He does not always understand why something is important to me (Why do we have to talk now?) and I certainly do not understand why some things are important to him. (Like how much golf is enough? Really!?!)
But I do believe that in a good marriage, once a partner has made it clear that something is important to him/her, no matter how trivial it may seem to the other, it should become a priority to accomplish/watch/do together.
It is the honor you are showing the PERSON not the activity/movie/event.
(Who wants to go to a chess tournament? Not me! But dh likes to play, so....)
What you and the OP are calling whining sounds a lot to me like a person making their needs/wants known to their partner and their partner blowing them off- I'd "whine" too!
I'm not saying that it shouldn't be important to him. That's fine! I'm saying a grown man throwing a tantrum when things don't work out is immature. Period. If he is feeling that his needs aren't getting met, then he should be going to her and talking to her about it like an adult and try to find some resolution, not pouting and moping for two days.
quote:
But I do believe that in a good marriage, once a partner has made it clear that something is important to him/her, no matter how trivial it may seem to the other, it should become a priority to accomplish/watch/do together.
I agree with you. We should always try to do those things that are important to our spouse, even if not to us. Without a doubt! But the fact is, sometimes it can't be worked out, and we need to learn to accept those things with a little grace and maturity. I think of times my husband and I have tried to put together a weekend away which we both desperately needed and something fell apart. Finances, a sick child, car trouble, etc, and we couldn't go. One of us throwing a fit and complaining does not change a thing and just makes the other feel worse. The adult thing(in my opinion) is to deal with the disappointment and plan for next time as soon as possible.
It's not his desire I found a problem with, but his reaction it not being able to happen.
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RE: Absurdity? - 7/25/2008 11:54:01 AM
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shadowspring
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Fair enough. Her dh should definitely handle it more maturely. I do not disagree with that.
Why some people think going to movies as soon as they come out is important is beyond me, but I have had several friends in the past that it was SUPER IMPORTANT for them to do so. I think they felt that not being able to converse about it at work, etc. would brand them social outcasts, but I'm just guessing.
Actually, that's probably snobbery on my part. I suppose it is possible they actually enjoy the craft, the plot, the setting, the casting, etc. 
It is a hugely successful movie, though. I suppose if movies are important to a person, I can understand this one being doubly so.
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RE: Absurdity? - 7/25/2008 12:04:37 PM
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deermousie
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I read your post, Mandeaux, and my first thought was, "What a baby."
OK, so you know that he is self-centered and immature, and not taking the viewpoint that all we *deserve* is death and hell, and everything beyond that is pure gravy that comes as a gift and isn't something we can demand. It's a worldview problem, and the Bible will tell him the truth about it.
The movie isn't the main point, his selfishness is. What's a wife to do, as this is going to play out over and over.
First things first: I like Freakofnature's suggestion about the taxi. You catch the movie as a DVD rental later and let him see it now and your parents take care of the things in their lives they need to do.
Second thing is, he needs to know what the Bible says so he can slap himself in the forehead and say, "I"ve been blowing it! I'm sorry, God!" Your job as I see it is to pray that God will get his attention (the holy 2x4 upside the head is not unwarrented, but it's God's job to do that, not ours) and convict him of his sin.
Can you talk to your pastor or a wise older Christian woman? This (like nearly everything else) is a spiritual battle. Our weapons are not carnal but are powerful towards God. 2 Corinthians 10:4 God will use this to shape you as well - we all are growing and He leads us in grace. In the end, we grow up in Him and God is glorified and the whole world will know it. Eph. 2:7
Soldier on, Christian.  May God bless your house and you especially. I am praying for you today. (((Hugs)))
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RE: Absurdity? - 7/25/2008 12:17:04 PM
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Karaboo2
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quote:
Good grief, the OP hasn't "blown off" what her dh wants. She's done everything she can think of to make it work and he's still not satisfied.
The other thing with this is ... when she first asked her hubby what he wanted for his birthday, he told her a DVD collection ... she then immediately ordered it for him. He then decided he ALSO wanted to see this movie ... it was not his first response as a choice of gift.
I just hope the OP and her hubby come to a resolution quickly, as leaving things as they are now will sour this occasion and any future ones as well (wondering if he'll act the same way, etc).
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RE: Absurdity? - 7/25/2008 1:53:42 PM
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Sadey
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
Your parents are not speaking his love language, and he doesn't feel the love. It's very hard to accept things from people that you genuinely believe love you only kind of a little bit, because all families love each other, mostly, I guess. He's used to more tangible expressions of love, and his translation of the actions leads him to a wrong assessment.
It's a problem, but it's not him being babyish. He's just looking out of his own eyes, and we all see out of our own eyes.
You come from a family where you don't even ask people to put themselves out for you. To you, that's fair, and respectful and nicely independent. To him, that's pretty cold potatoes. Pretty cold people. People who will watch your boy... if they really have to... But do you really want them to?
Its amazing how we can read the same post and get totally different takes on it. I don't see where you got that the parents are cold people who only watch the kids if they have to? and then the remark But do you really want them to, like they are toxic? I just don't understand your viewpoint. The were willing to take him home with them and then drive to the half way point so that the kids could go to the movie. With the price of gas and what she said about their financial situation thats not a small thing. And as far as love languages go its time for him to grow up and taking his frustration out on his in-laws is just plain wrong.
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RE: Absurdity? - 7/25/2008 2:11:21 PM
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buckifn
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do you really think God wants us praying we have an opportunity to go see a batman movie?
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RE: Absurdity? - 7/25/2008 2:32:17 PM
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pbaribeault
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Sadey, I think that both people in the story have a legitimate view point.
I was expressing that it would be easy for the husband to see his inlaws as cold and reluctant compared to what he is used to. It is the husband that expressed that he does not want people who appear to him to be reluctant to be entrusted overnight with his son. I was just trying to help the OP see what his thought process might have been to get to that point.
Perhaps some use of quotation marks or italics would have made that clearer. Let me try to do a better job.
It is the comparison that makes the OP's parents appear cold to her husband. It's easy to see that families just relate in different ways when yours are 'normal' (to you) and the inlaws are 'warmer'. It's really hard to get to that perspective when yours are 'normal' (to you) and the inlaws are 'cooler'.
The OP's parents came down to help out in a lack-of-daycare problem situation, and only for the absolutely necessary amount of time. Helpful, but not the kind of enthusiastic pursuit of relationship to which he is accustomed. The OP is accustomed to this. To her, help is good. Families help each other, but families don't ask too much of each other.
When the husband asked if maybe they would stay longer, he was thinking about what his parents would probably do. Which is probably that they would bend over backwards to be as nice as possible. But his wife didn't even think it was a good idea to ask them (at first) because she knew it would be a bother. That's not a family dynamic he's used to. He interprets that as a really cold thing, that his wife thinks they probably won't do something that would come so naturally in his family... so much so that she's not even going to bring it up. (Yes, I know she eventually did bring it up to them and things went well, but his emotions started from this point)
That's why I think (after the OP got to a solution) he probably doesn't want his son spending extended time with people who in his eyes put themselves first and treat his family like a minor hobby that they don't want to put much effort in to. I can also see why he would not want to accept help or a favour from people who appear to have to have it wheedled out of them. That's humiliating... no matter what the cost of gas is.
I thought if the OP understood that he might have been coming from a legitimate place of feeling hurt, rejected, belittled and unbalanced... she might have a little compassion for what he is going through.
PS - Please adjust your post so that your paragraph doesn't appear to be at the bottom of the quotation from me. Thanks.
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RE: Absurdity? - 7/25/2008 11:21:12 PM
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Sadey
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I did notice that the parents had other obligations later in the day and thats why they couldn't stay and babysit. Thats why I said what I said.
They did try to accomidate the son in law, just were not able to do it his way.
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It sounds like he wanted his inlaws to read his mind on what he wanted and volunteer to babysit for a specific time before they knew t was needed.